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So after moving on from my last romantic interest, I randomly met a guy online. I was seriously only looking for friends, and this guy started talking to me. We have a TON of things in common....our diverse taste in music, political and religious beliefs, sense of humor, life experiences, etc...we are even each other's preferred physical type, and share a big life goal.
He is incredibly intelligent, well spoken, witty, attentive, passionate, and head over heels into me. I'm so flattered and thought this is too good to be true.
Well, it is. He is 32 and doesn't have a job. He hasn't been able to hold down a steady job for years, apparently. He also doesn't drive. He lives with his mom and his mom drives him everywhere he wants to go and gives him money here and there.
The reason: he has severe panic attacks (panic disorder) caused by years of concussions he suffered playing football. Changes in light and changes in height/other spatial things trigger his episodes to where he can barely function. He's on meds for it but they don't always work. He can't afford health insurance to see a different neurologist.
I have panic disorder, too..but mine is caused by mental distress, not physical. So I kind of relate and understand but I also feel like this is too much to deal with.
It is a huge turn off to date a grown man who lives this way. I can't help but think he could be figuring out how to make money online/at home..he is brilliant and also a certified personal trainer, so to me he seems to have the tools to make money. But instead he sleeps all day and watches TV, plays video games, and talks to me. Also, he doesn't have any friends..no social life besides me.
I am 30 yrs old and work full time, have my own vehicle, own apartment, a dog, hobbies I'm trying to develop, and going back to school to finish my degree this fall.
I am so caught up in our amazing similarities and conversation. But these other things are making my alarm bells go off.
Am I a total ***hole for considering breaking up over the job/car/mom thing? I know he has issues but sometimes I wonder if it's really as "out of his control" as he says it is. We've been seeing each other for a little over a month now. I'm just feeling off about this...thoughts?
There will be people who post and try to shame you for not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but you need to listen to your gut.
I would start to cool down your contact. No need to keep charging full steam ahead into what at best could become a situation where he is dependent on you instead of his mom.
That wouldn't be dating, that would be adopting a dependent.
I would cut some slack IF this were something new he was trying to work through, or there was some effort... well, no, I wouldn't, but I could understand if someone did.
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Run. run away fast...NOW. And never look back. This is NOT a relationship. He is looking for a "mommy replacement". A caregiver. You deserve better than this.
It is a huge turn off to date a grown man who lives this way. I can't help but think he could be figuring out how to make money online/at home..he is brilliant and also a certified personal trainer, so to me he seems to have the tools to make money. But instead he sleeps all day and watches TV, plays video games, and talks to me. Also, he doesn't have any friends..no social life besides me.
Why would you want to get involved with a guy like this, no matter what his reason is for living that way? I thought you said he was incredibly intelligent. I'm not seeing how that manifests in his life. People who are highly intelligent don't usually spend their days sleeping and watching TV.
And what's this big life goal you two share? Do you see him moving toward any goals? It doesn't sound like it, from your description.
I've moved well past the friendship stage because I did give him the benefit of the doubt. We are now in a full blown sexual relationship and he has already told me he loves me and that we ARE going to be together.
We see each other every weekend, however I feel I need to have this weekend to myself to think about this.
I have expressed my hesitancy (is that a word lol) but I obviously have issues with establishing healthy boundaries.
I DO NOT want to hurt him...I hate hurting people, especially people who need love and acceptance and friends, like him. How do I approach him about this? He is so enamored with me and this is going to break him. His only friends just blew him off last night and he's already depressed today. So it's really bad timing but...I don't want to keep dragging anything out.
Any suggestions on how/what to say to soften the blow will be greatly appreciated.
Why would you want to get involved with a guy like this, no matter what his reason is for living that way? I thought you said he was incredibly intelligent. I'm not seeing how that manifests in his life. People who are highly intelligent don't usually spend their days sleeping and watching TV.
And what's this big life goal you two share? Do you see him moving toward any goals? It doesn't sound like it, from your description.
The goal we share is fitness/bodybuilding related. He has been a great influence on my health and progress, he is training me.
But you are right..I didn't start realizing his daily life was so..unproductive..until just recently. We live in different towns and don't see each other every day. I get it now.
You could say something like, "I enjoy a lot of the things we have in common, but I've been worrying about the things we DON'T have in common, and I know from my past that I need to listen to my gut."
Keep it short and sweet and to the point, and do not get pulled into a long dramatic argument.
If you need to delete/block and go no contact afterward in order to keep to you goal, then do so.
It's not cruel to do this. It's a good thing. Cruelty would be to continue seeing him and leading him on.
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How do I approach him about this? He is so enamored with me and this is going to break him. His only friends just blew him off last night and he's already depressed today. So it's really bad timing but...I don't want to keep dragging anything out. 
