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I have seen you mention God on here before, so I guess you are a believer on some level. If that is true, then you should be open to the idea that physical attraction is part of His plan for procreation. It's not deception or a trick; it's the basic catalyst for human life.
Of course, discernment is required to be sure that attraction is not the ONLY factor we consider when choosing to partner up with someone. There is even scripture in 1 Samuel that deals with this, and Paul talked about how beauty fades, but enduring beauty comes from the heart.
Most of the Bible is trying to remind believers that point: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight."
So rather than taking a stance of fear and pessimism, I would encourage a more open outlook that will help you physically AND spiritually.
Honestly, I struggled with this in the past.
Lot's of people insisted that the driving force behind love and relationships is sex. I remember the intense arguments I used to have insisting that isn't the case but the more experience I got with people I began to believe otherwise.
I've even heard love is the ultimate deception. At this point, I don't know. I wasn't too comfortable with the thought of love just being an illusion for sex and that we basically procreate just for the sake of procreation.
Lot's of people insisted that the driving force behind love and relationships is sex. I remember the intense arguments I used to have insisting that isn't the case but the more experience I got with people I began to believe otherwise.
I've even heard love is the ultimate deception. At this point, I don't know. I wasn't too comfortable with the thought of love just being an illusion for sex and that we basically procreate just for the sake of procreation.
It can definitely be a head scratcher.
At the risk of branching off into sociology , I agree that it is complicated.
But we do still have instincts. How our cultures have adapted our lifestyles in the presence of those instincts forces us to modify our behaviors.
I just prefer to view the process positively rather than negatively.
Overlook some annoyances for attractiveness, but not deal breakers. Also, depends on the type of relationship. Sometimes you know it is only temporary, so not as important.
The flip side of that though is if you are with someone that you are not attracted to or not sexually compatible with, how long do you want to be in that relationship? Yeah it's the right thing to say that looks and sex doesn't matter, but to most people it does. And a big reason why relationships break off, is because the attraction isn't there or the sex isn't there and/or not really good. Not one person is perfect, and not one relationship is perfect either. It's up to the individual to decide what is most important to them and what they are willing to overlook and compromise with in finding that right relationship.
I think that happens a lot
Do you think most ugly people obese people etc are truly physically attracted to each other and in lust or realized they couldn't get someone they were physically attracted to and settled for just companionship?
Do you think most ugly people obese people etc are truly physically attracted to each other and in lust or realized they couldn't get someone they were physically attracted to and settled for just companionship?
It's not always a conscious choice though. Some ugly and obese people don't realize they are ugly and obese.
Lots of people are pretty generous in their self-assessments
Do you think most ugly people obese people etc are truly physically attracted to each other and in lust or realized they couldn't get someone they were physically attracted to and settled for just companionship?
You think unattractive people don't have sex? Check out some amateur porn.
I'm actually very grateful for post #36 with that animated gif. Thank you, Wmsn4Life, for posting that.
I'm sitting here thinking...after all of the people who have come and gone in my life, I finally feel as though I have found THE ONE, the man of my dreams, the love of my life. I've never been so happy with anyone ever. Of course he is not PERFECT. But he is the perfect match for my own imperfect self. Our puzzle pieces just fit together right, and no that isn't a physical euphemism.
So what is not perfect about him? From the standpoint of what I know other people would judge him for, and why my female friends might not understand that out of all the men I could have had, I chose THIS one... He is 20 years older than me, and built a lot like the man in that gif. He's barely taller than me, he's got little hairs on his ears and hairs on his back and he's just not a gorgeous man. When I met him...he did not gross me out, nor did he turn me on. I was looking for a fit for a very particular need that I had. I won't go into that here, it is probably TMI, but it's related to kink. I needed someone who found as much fulfillment in a particular activity as I did, not just someone willing to play with it to "spice things up." This man seemed to be a candidate, so I decided to give him a shot.
The more I got to know him, the more beautiful he looked in my eyes. At this point, when I think about a mental image of him...the silver in his full dark hair is straight up magical, his eyes when he looks at me can give me a shiver. He went from being "well, he's not gross, he passes the test" to "he is the most sexy person in the world." Because he has all of these deep character traits that are so rare in men. He is really unusual. He listens. He gets in my head, learns what I need and want, and pursues mastery of any skill to please me with dedicated focus. He is deep and spiritual, he's brilliant and well read, he has all kinds of fascinating knowledge and stories and little talents. Like I think I found out over a year into our relationship that he knows how to fly small aircraft, and juggle. He doesn't brag about who he is, you have to know him a while to get into his world and really get to know him and see all the good stuff. So being the one who does get to do this...feels like a great honor. I get him. He gets me.
I know I will probably outlive him, and losing him will hurt. I know I'll have to provide elder care for him one day, I might only get another 20 years or so before that happens. It just means we have to make the most of them.
Does the fact that we have had very frequent and very, very good sex from the beginning have something to do with my love for him? Probably. But I would say mostly because it was just one more way he demonstrated that instead of being self-centered like some of the worse partners I've had, he is really present with me, paying attention to how I feel and what I want. The things that make him a great partner, also make him a great lover.
The man I spoke of earlier, the one I would have been happy to keep doing a FB/FWB thing with if he'd wanted to...he is in a distant second place to the man I'm in a relationship with now.
And there was a significant difference too, in how I formed this relationship compared to how I have begun others that were not as good. We took our time. We got together socially and got to know one another for two months before we ever had sex. It was funny, I was trying to give him all these "green light signals" and he just wasn't seeing them. Finally he explained some of his background to me, and that he doesn't think he is very good at seeing hints...and I just came right out and said, "So I would like to have sex with you...if you're waiting for me to give you consent, well...you've got it. Wanna?" And we were getting together for sex once a week and lunch once a week, for a while. I was still poly and had not dedicated myself to him yet, but I liked him. It was a good six or seven months in when this fun little relationship blazed up into Really Big Feels for me. Shortly after that we became exclusive. Almost 2 years in, we are now planning to move in together. We're talking about getting married, but plan to wait about another 3 years until my sons are grown and out. We are not in a rush to do anything.
And finally (sorry, I write novels sometimes)...sex, especially good sex, is definitely part of love and bonding, even if no one is planning to make babies, if only because of the chemicals released in the brain. They are the same chemicals that cause bonding between a mother and infant. Everything from skin-on-skin touch, to blinding orgasms, causes our brains to feel attachment and bonding with another person. Which is why I find it odd when people are ok with casual sex (no feelings allowed!) but not casual love (not necessarily with sex.) How can you guarantee if you're having sex with someone, that no feelings will spring up on either side, when it's the most natural thing in the world?
I have read countless threads and posts in the relationship forum regarding how some people have overlooked certain deal breakers that they had because the person they were dating (or were in a relationship with) was so "hot" and "so good in bed".
So...are some people that superficial (and desperate) that they would allow a person's sexual and physical attractiveness to dictate how much dysfunction, abuse (in any form) or mistreatment that they would willingly tolerate?
Why would a person allow another human being to mistreat them, abuse them or take advantage of them (in whatever way) just because they're sexually attractive? Since when does physical appearance or sexual prowess take precedence over how a person is treated emotionally and mentally?
Why do some people place so much value and importance on a person's physical appearance (and how good they are in bed) versus how that person treats them? Are those people's priorities completely messed up?
Going back to your original post, is it really any worse to put up with someone because you find them beautiful and/or sexually attractive than it is to put up with them because you rely on them financially, you're afraid of being alone, your biological clock is ticking, etc? Everyone has a reason for being with someone and it's not always because the person treats them so well.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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I've never been a big believe in total dealbreakers. I try to look for connections with people, not reasons to not connect with them. The one exception is probably hard drug use, even that though, if someone did E or whatever a few times a year at an event, I'm not going to freak about it.
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Come on ...
It's not deception or a trick; it's the basic catalyst for human life.
, I agree that it is complicated. 
