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The compromising thread reminded me of this article.
I saw it a while back and it made me think about all the threads on "settling" and "letting someone grow on you" in terms of romantic relationships. For the most part the general consensus was "you either feel it, or you don't." At least from my perspective. I'll explain more later, but I think this article explains the happy medium quite nicely.
I can't relate to this. I never enter a room and am instantly attracted to someone. (Even if I were, it would do no good unless they were mutually attracted to me. The article author seems to forget that attraction needs to be mutual, reciprocal.) I need to know something about the strangers in the room, in order to find an attraction, if I'm attracted to anyone. I figure it's been a good evening if I'm able to enjoy a good conversation; I'm not even thinking about attraction, lol.
I'd be very careful to avoid equating, or seeming to equate, "settling" with "letting someone grow on you", btw.
I remember reading an article by a popular psychologist around 20 years ago. She said she believes in love at first sight, because that's how she met her husband. She said there are a lot of subtle things going on when that happens; she claims we're instantly drawn to people who share our general socio-economic background and values, so sensing those things is what's involved in the "love at first sight" phenom.
Boy, that's one crap shoot I would NOT bet on; that we're magically attracted to the people who are right for us! Life is littered with the emotional wreckage of people who believed that, but found out otherwise.
I kinda like it! I am experiencing and agreeing with a lot of the article. My "psyche" has formed an attachment. I've been working really hard, mentally, not to choose men based on a strong physical at First Sight attraction instead to reconsider somebody who actually would be good for me.
Eh...I think I'll always be attracted to the wrong people, but as long as I can accept that things are unlikely to ever work out with those people, then it doesn't matter.
I've generally found that attraction can grow over time. One date I had sort of a "eww" reaction when he walked in, but after talking for about an hour over that first coffee, he grew on me enough that I kept on seeing him for a while. I only quit because I fell harder for someone else, with whom I am now exclusive.
The compromising thread reminded me of this article.
I saw it a while back and it made me think about all the threads on "settling" and "letting someone grow on you" in terms of romantic relationships. For the most part the general consensus was "you either feel it, or you don't." At least from my perspective. I'll explain more later, but I think this article explains the happy medium quite nicely.
What do you all think?
The first half: am I even the same species as what's being described here? None of that applied to me. I guess my attraction-wiring is different.
The second half was just describing how it's best to start out as friends. I think that's a great idea. That was how me and my first long-term partner started out and we had a very deep and meaningful relationship (we also parted well with much regrets on both sides). Love can totally grow on someone--that's how it was between me and that person. We started out as friends and I was not attracted to him at all at first, but that did grow over time until I was madly in love with him.
I've generally found that attraction can grow over time. One date I had sort of a "eww" reaction when he walked in, but after talking for about an hour over that first coffee, he grew on me enough that I kept on seeing him for a while. I only quit because I fell harder for someone else, with whom I am now exclusive.
This^^^!
I don't get the - if there is no instant chemistry - it's a red flag, so walk away!
I read about it a lot here, on this forum.
I rather believe - if you dont feel an instant aversion, there is a good chance your attraction will grow over time. Just give it a chance.
Some people get so nervous on the first date, they behave odd, say all the wrong things, and make worst impression.
Later on, when things get relaxed a bit, and you get to know the persons better, you might find out your date has many common interests, lovely manners, is a great listener, its attentive and caring. That might even shadow some small imperfections....
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Basiliximab
The first half: am I even the same species as what's being described here? None of that applied to me. I guess my attraction-wiring is different.
The second half was just describing how it's best to start out as friends. I think that's a great idea. That was how me and my first long-term partner started out and we had a very deep and meaningful relationship (we also parted well with much regrets on both sides). Love can totally grow on someone--that's how it was between me and that person. We started out as friends and I was not attracted to him at all at first, but that did grow over time until I was madly in love with him.
Men, I implore you, do NOT be friends first with a girl you have interest in. Once you are just her friend, that is all you will ever be, her friend. I think the concept of growing on someone is BS. Go for it all in the beginning and don't waste time if she don't feel you.
My opinion on the article is that it does make a lot of good points.
One thing that stands out to me is when he mentions this:
Quote:
Sexual attraction is much more mutable than we’ve been taught. We all have types that turn us on immediately and intensely. But as I said, attractions can grow. It's doubtful that you’ll become attracted to someone who isn’t at all physically appealing to you. But if someone holds a spark of attraction for you, and has other qualities you love, your attraction can blossom. If you’re meeting someone for the first time, don’t make a snap decision based upon whether you’re instantly attracted on a physical level. If you’re not sure, go out with them again. In time, something lovely may happen: He or she may actually become more beautiful to you. And if not, you’ll know that it’s time to stop dating them.
I've said on multiple occasions that I absolutely CANNOT date someone I feel no attraction towards. For some reason, a lot of people equate this to having "high" standards. They may think I want someone who makes well over 6 figures, looks like a Keith Powers/Brad Pitt/Channing Tatum, and drives a Ferrari. That's not the case at all. Yes I agree attraction can be instant, but if I met a person who piqued my attraction a little and had a lot of good qualities I would definitely consider it. Situations like that, a person has a higher chance of growing on me.
However, I still believe attraction and chemistry is not fully in our control. But it can be "guided" so to speak.
Men, I implore you, do NOT be friends first with a girl you have interest in. Once you are just her friend, that is all you will ever be, her friend. I think the concept of growing on someone is BS. Go for it all in the beginning and don't waste time if she don't feel you.
I've been harping on this for my entire time on this forum, and for YEARS in every day life.
Just forget about getting stuck with being nothing but her friend forever, just for a second here.
In the time you're waiting to ask them out while being their friend, someone else is gonna ask them out in that time period. Then you might miss out, all because you felt like you had to be their friend first. Then you go on, move on to the next person that you try to be friends with first, and guess what? Same thing happens AGAIN!
I do wanna stress that I think it's fine to date someone with whom you've been just friends with already. Perhaps there were circumstances in the past, in which you just couldn't have been together. Maybe one or both of you were in a relationship with other people prior to this, maybe you did grow on each other or whatever. I think it's fine to date someone with who you were friends with first. What I think is really ridiculous, is being friends with someone first, in order to eventually ask them out or feel like you have to get to know them to make a move in asking them out.
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