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Hi CD forum,
I know I tend to overanalyze. I'm trying not to do that here. Science guy and I went out again tonight. It was a good date overall though I still think he can be very awkward at times, very blunt and straightforward.
If you remember my previous post, he wanted exclusivity after 5 dates. We talked about it and I told him I wasn't ready. Y'all said it was only a red flag if he was pushing my boundary. I'm trying ot see if the below is a red flag, or just an awkward guy. I do know I tend to overanalyze so I'm trying not to.
We went out again tonight and he presented his position again. He said that his 'friends were asking what our status was' and that he was having to keep telling them he would let them know and that he would like to know so he could tell his friends. I thought that was a bit odd? I mean, my friends ask occasionally who I'm dating and I just tell them, or I don't tell them. Right now, I haven't been talking about a lot of it simply because I don't really know where things are and I don't feel like people poking around in my business. My mom asked recently and I said, "I'll let you know when there is something to report." Then, he said, "I don't like pressuring people to do things, but..." and proceeded to explain again why he wanted to be exclusive.
To me, it felt like he was pressuring me the moment he said, "I don't like...but." I also don't know why I need to feel obligated to his 'friends.' It felt like he was trying to put third party pressure on me. I don't know why he doesn't just tell his friends to bug off if they irritate him that much, and I don't know what it has to do with me and with us.
That said, he was very open and I know it took a lot of balls for him to be so open which I told him I really respected and appreciated, which is the truth. I just don't know if I am ready to be exclusive because there are things I don't know yet that would impact that and whether or not we'd be a good match. (Big things: values, his stance on money, his stance and expectations of sex). I prefer to let those things come out/up a little more organically but since he brought it up so candidly, I did ask him (to start) about his past relationships. Basically he has never had a serious relationship. He said he had a hard time finding women who weren't conventional because he was so eccentric (he is) and that it was rare that he felt a connection. I do understand that, but I also don't know how much of this is rushed, and how much he might think this is more than it (currently) is because he's not been in a serious r-ship before. He is 37.
This has nothing to do with other people. I don't like to be exclusive until I am fairly sure it has a real chance. I do see some serious depth to this guy, and I like that, but there are a lot of things to learn. He offered to be 'exclusive but not committed' and I said I would think about it; however, I don't normally do that because I don't think it really accomplishes anything other than testing the waters, which we are already doing, and if there isn't sex involved, it's not that important (IMO) that there be exclusivity. I'm talking about things like dinner dates, walks, hiking, things like that, here, kissing but not too much, for the basic dates. In public. I guess I want to establish some form of friendship first, then go into more serious things. I'd only be comfortable with more physical things if I had more of a sense that there was a serious thing developing. He talked several times about 'worrying' what I was doing and perhaps seems quite insecure.
Thoughts?
Red flag, or just me being overanalytical|?
Last edited by Inacitysomewhere; 09-24-2017 at 06:28 PM..
The thing I would wonder about is whether he is REALLY into you, or whether you are merely filling a need he has ... to have a woman.
He's never had a serious relationship? But you have stuck around long enough that he feels some potential exists. Now it's to the point that his friends are asking him and he obviously wants to tell them SOMETHING. But he's not the kind of person who has a pithy answer ready like you do.
So ... I would have asked him WHY it matters so much what he tells his friends.
I would also wonder if he's even the telling the truth about that. He could just be making it up that his friends are telling him how it's going so he could get an answer out of you, and potentially pressure you into doing something you may not want to do (at least right now).
Regardless, it doesn't matter what his friends are telling him. He's his own person, and so are you.
The thing I would wonder about is whether he is REALLY into you, or whether you are merely filling a need he has ... to have a woman.
He's never had a serious relationship? But you have stuck around long enough that he feels some potential exists. Now it's to the point that his friends are asking him and he obviously wants to tell them SOMETHING. But he's not the kind of person who has a pithy answer ready like you do.
So ... I would have asked him WHY it matters so much what he tells his friends.
Ueah, that is how I feel too, that it is a bit of pressure despite him saying he wasn't pressuring me. His friends opinions, frankly don't matter to me.
That's a good question, maybe I will ask him. Exactly...is it just because I'm a girl, or because he really knows me? He doesn't know me THAT well. He said he wanted "peace of mind" but to me it feels like he wants to lock things down quickly. He also said he felt more comfortAble locking it down quickly with me than he would normally. I thought that was an odd thing to say.
That's a good question, maybe I will ask him. Exactly...is it just because I'm a girl, or because he really knows me? He doesn't know me THAT well.
It doesn't have to be a test or anything. It's not something to "hold over him," so to speak. You WANT him to get to know you ... that's part of the process.
But when things seem "good enough" at the beginning, sometimes inexperienced people can get antsy and progress for the wrong reasons.
I would also wonder if he's even the telling the truth about that. He could just be making it up that his friends are telling him how it's going so he could get an answer out of you, and potentially pressure you into doing something you may not want to do (at least right now).
Regardless, it doesn't matter what his friends are telling him. He's his own person, and so are you.
Yeah, he's a grown man...why can he not tell his friends this?
Also--he did do one other thing I wondered about. He asked me out for next Saturday, very specifically stated that day, and an activity. I said, I really like your idea, just let me know details on times, because I was thinking about going hiking on Saturday (normally, the hikes are in the morning to mid-afternoon; he had suggested noon).
He says, right after I said that, "Well it would just be noon, and then into the afternoon. You could come over to my place after lunch and we could watch a foreign film. It's not a fancy lunch place so you could wear something comfortable so that you're not having to be all stiff while we're watching a movie."
To me this was very awkward. I wasn't sure if he was being sincere or if he had ulterior motives about getting in my pants. It also bothered me that he completely missed my social cue of, perhaps let me know a few times to pick from. He didn't ask if I was free Saturday, he just assumed and planned out everything and then when I said I was thinking of going hiking, he just re-stated noon, and said he would send me the details, as if he hadn't heard me.
I am really having a hard time deciphering if this is awkwardness due to inexperience or if he is showing signs of someone who is controlling or pushing.
Please don't just say 'obviously he's not a match.' I'm looking for some specifics in intrepretation and if I am on or off base with some of my specific thoughts about specific things.
I would also wonder if he's even the telling the truth about that. He could just be making it up that his friends are telling him how it's going so he could get an answer out of you, and potentially pressure you into doing something you may not want to do (at least right now).
Regardless, it doesn't matter what his friends are telling him. He's his own person, and so are you.
This. OP, that's a manipulative tactic, to blame the need to know about your couple status on his friends, instead of owning up to his desire for exclusivity with you. It's dishonest. I would be he's lying.
You haven't mentioned how many dates you've had so far, but I guess it's irrelevant. The main thing is you feel you don't know him well enough to make a decision yet. So just tell him that. If he brings up these mysterious "friends" again, ask him why he's not able to deal with his friends. His (fictitious) friends aren't your problem. Tell him it's premature to discuss exclusivity.
And what's this "exclusive, but not committed" option?! Why is he pushing? Frankly, it would be a turn-off for me. Tell him to just relax and enjoy the process the two of you are in, of getting to know each other. IF you decide to keep seeing a guy who lies to you and tries to manipulate you.
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