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You're right.
I'm surely not.
So, why waste time bringing that up?
I'm just curious why so many people liked someone enough to date them, maybe love them, and then decide they want them completely out of their life.
It speaks to me that that person doesn't make good choices in partners.
People dont have the ability to see into the future. People change, and hearts change all the time, sometimes for the worse.
I find the term "still friends" with exs to be very subjective. Keeping in contact via phone or Facebook with an ex isn't the same as hanging out on a weekly/regular basis - that's not a friend - that's hanging on because someone cant let go, imo.
My ex-wife cost me a half million dollars and I lost a home that was paid for and two building Lots. The thought of retiring doesn't even cross my mind because I will be working until my death because of her. No thanks, not interested in ever speaking to her or for that matter even seeing her again.
Bitter? Yup.
The only people that I know who still speak to exes are ones who mutually agreed to split and didn't screw each other over financially. I don't know anyone who got screwed and still speaks to the ex. I am sure they are out there though.
Only after long enough of a time has passed where neither one of you still have any attraction for or to the other.
I have 3 of my ex-bfs on my FB list, the last becoming an ex 13 years ago. Two of them are in LTRs, and the other became a Conservative, so there's nothing "going on" with any of them.
Aquinteces, I wouldn't say remaining close is the best idea for most circumstances.
For myself I view it more from a perspective of respect. A respect towards whomever I may be see romantically after a relationship has ended and what is attempting to be accomplished by seeing one another in that capacity.
It's less about "me" and more about creating a bed for things to flourish and direct attentions on what is most important moving forward.
Last edited by rego00123; 10-04-2017 at 11:25 AM..
I can only speak for myself, and I already know there is plenty of difference between me and most posters here. Perfectly fine, while I could not be compatible with almost anyone on this board, I have had great success in my love life post divorce, so it's not like my needs are impossible for anyone to meet. But it is a requirement of mine that unless a partner has a very good reason I shouldn't be friends with someone, they do not get to tell me who I can or cannot be friends with.
A very good reason is, "I have it on good authority from someone I trust, that this man has raped someone, and I don't think he's a safe person for you to spend time around." or "That woman is actually a drug addict and a thief and I don't want her to even know where we live."
A good reason is not, "You used to have sex with him and I'm scared you might want to again." or "He finds you attractive and flirts with you, and I'm afraid you'll fall for it." We can work together to overcome feelings of insecurity or jealousy, but those feelings in a partner are not going to dictate my choices or actions.
So...I need a partner who doesn't feel easily threatened by other men, and who is able to trust. It's ok that this isn't everyone, but they're out there, and I have one. Good for me.
As for choosing to be friends (or not) with an ex... It depends. If that person is toxic, or the relationship turned toxic, it is in the best interest of mental health, for us to not be friends. I wanted to try and be friends with my ex husband...it was our original goal...I thought we could put the past behind us, and be decent to one another going forward. But he has continued to occasionally show me spite and bitterness over two years after we broke up, and if he can't let go of that, well...I do not need it in my life. I had to overcome my codependent, "caretaker" tendencies that forgave every hurt he dealt me and worried about his wellbeing, and declare to myself that I owe him nothing, and have no investment in his opinion of me, good or bad. We have to finish coparenting and raising our teenage sons...we can coordinate things via brief, to-the-point texts. Talk about the kids and only the kids. Soon, our sons will be adults and each of us can have our own relationship with them independent of the other. My own parents haven't spoken to each other in probably 20 years.
On the other hand, I have former lovers where the friendship was really healthy and wonderful, it was more important than the sex or romance, and we parted ways for reasons that weren't dramatic or toxic. No one seriously hurt the other, we just decided that a relationship was not the best fit for us at that point, and ended that piece, but we never stopped being friends. A few such are mutual friends of my boyfriend and I. He knows I would not consider getting back together sexually with these people, and he is secure enough in our relationship to be comfortable with this.
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