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No, not really. People can put whatever they want on a profile. What matters is what you say to the person when you're face-to-face in their company. The profile stuff is just window dressing while trying to spark enough interest to even get to a first date to begin with.
Anyway, it's game time! Have a good night.
Honestly, what matters to me is not what people say, even if they say it to my face. It's what they do. Which you better believe I watch. I watch how they treat service people, especially, but also how consistent they are in their words and actions. I recently met one date's mother (one I am seriously considering BTW and me meeting his mother impromptu also indicates to me he might be seriously considering me) and I was watching him with her the entire time, the body language. It told me a lot about the kind of man he is. Do they show up on time? Do they show up at all? Is their lip service consistent with their actions on the date?
As for the profile questions, sure they can lie, but who on earth would put they didn't want sex for awhile unless they didn't want sex for awhile? I've never met anyone who wants less sex on purpose unless they meant it. The questions are just a starting point, a tool to weed out at the very beginning those who are honest about sex on the first date or 'sex is a normal part of a dating relationship' people. I KNOW we wouldn't be compatible. Of course they may not mean it. That's where 'what they do' comes into play. Which you can only assess as time goes on. Is their character consistent? Is what I mean.
But she doesn't have a timeline or random number of dates requirement. She just wants to wait until she is comfortable. She will be comfortable when she is comfortable.
She's mentioned in many threads that she's not comfortable with things escalating before 11/12 dates, if not more. I could be misremembering, but 15 comes to mind. It may be a general time frame at this time, but this rough timeline could come off like a waste of time if it's not discussed early on. Point blank: "I'm not interested in getting physical until many dates in. I need to feel comfortable and develop feelings first."
She's mentioned in many threads that she's not comfortable with things escalating before 11/12 dates, if not more. I could be misremembering, but 15 comes to mind. It may be a general time frame at this time, but this rough timeline could come off like a waste of time if it's not discussed early on. Point blank: "I'm not interested in getting physical until many dates in. I need to feel comfortable and develop feelings first."
Let them know upfront.
Agreed. If you are going to be outside of the norm for dating issues, let them know up front.
How many times did she go out with this guy? And been complaining about him the whole time? That's pretty unfair to him and kinda a lot of guys worst fear.
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No, not really. People can put whatever they want on a profile. What matters is what you say to the person when you're face-to-face in their company. The profile stuff is just window dressing while trying to spark enough interest to even get to a first date to begin with.
Anyway, it's game time! Have a good night.
So men can lie on their profiles in order to persuade a woman to give him a chance, but once they date she had better be totally upfront on when exactly he can expect to get "what he's after?" Man. That's unpleasant. Are you OK with women putting deceptive photos on their profiles, too?
And the whole "arbitrary timeline" thing...no, guys who say "I had better get some by Date Three or I'm out" THEY have an arbitrary timeline. She has most definitely explained her need to be comfortable, and the number of dates or amount of time she has thrown out there is obviously just her best guess estimate. She's not making tick marks on the wall or marking it off on a calendar to figure out when she can be ok to have sex with a guy. She's just been explaining that she is TRYING to avoid being used, and in order to really trust her own judgment that a guy isn't playing her, she prefers to take her time.
What exactly is wrong with that, other than it makes it harder for players to play her?
Sorry but the way you're arguing it, is like she should wear some sort of a warning label so men know that she won't just fall into bed with them early on, because men have some entitlement to expect that, and if they're not gonna get it, they oughtta be warned so they don't waste their time. Well what about all the time women waste on men who don't have decent intentions, does our time count for naught? Psh.
She's already said that she explains how she operates, when in the early stages of dating someone, and it comes up in conversation or feels natural to discuss.
Also, while you are not into multi dating (and that's totally fine) lots of people are. In fact, my Grandmother and my Great Aunt, have stories from when they were young in like the 40's where dating was just about going out for dinners and movies and you did not commit to be exclusive until you were "going steady." Both of them dated multiple young men in those early stages when it was not sexual or serious. Exclusivity should not be assumed, it should be discussed and agreed upon.
OP, your only crime (and only against yourself, really) is in not listening to your gut sooner and standing up for yourself with this man. I think you know that. When you start sensing red flags, it's time to snip it. But questioning ourselves and letting things slide just to get an interaction over with, you are at a phase in your healing process. It takes time to get to the best and healthiest place after you've been in a darker one in the past. But I don't know about you...dating was FULL of learning experiences for me, and each one helps you grown and brings you closer to where you need to be. See them as progress, and best of luck to you.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
And the whole "arbitrary timeline" thing...no, guys who say "I had better get some by Date Three or I'm out" THEY have an arbitrary timeline. .
I don't think many people actually say this. I think what lots of people do think is that, hey, my experience overwhelmingly shows me that if we don't have sex by date three then it never happens, even if I have kept dating them. That women far more often than not, if they're attracted to you, don't want to wait either. So, they use it as a guideline for a person being interested in them, and no one wants to keep dating someone and initiating dates with someone that is that interested in them.
I've kept spending time with people past date three even as an adult w/o having sex, but in reality I think of it as pursuing a friendship at that point because that's what hanging out with someone without having sex really is over time. And cool friends are cool to have, but I'm not going to kid myself about the relationship or hope for more, because it almost never happens.
I don't think many people actually say this. I think what lots of people do think is that, hey, my experience overwhelmingly shows me that if we don't have sex by date three then it never happens, even if I have kept dating them. That women far more often than not, if they're attracted to you, don't want to wait either. So, they use it as a guideline for a person being interested in them, and no one wants to keep dating someone and initiating dates with someone that is that interested in them.
I've kept spending time with people past date three even as an adult w/o having sex, but in reality I think of it as pursuing a friendship at that point because that's what hanging out with someone without having sex really is over time. And cool friends are cool to have, but I'm not going to kid myself about the relationship or hope for more, because it almost never happens.
Lots of truth here. The 3 data mantra isn't a guideline that everyone follows, but getting to 3 dates at least shows potential for longer term interest. I think what the OP has picked up from this thread is that people have a tendency to not like competition when it comes to their dating lives. I'm a fairly competitive person, but when it comes to my personal dating life, I have no desire to compete. In the end, dating should be fun and I want to feel desired. If I feel like I'm being tested than I don't feel like I'm being desired. No matter who you are, you want to feel desired from the person you're dating.
Sure, waiting many dates to have sex is fine, but you should lead with that from the very beginning. Not every man or woman on earth is going to be capable of handling that kind of timeline tactfully. Still, it's not about just sex either, but is this woman even open to being intimate with me by kissing me passionately and not just a peck on the lips or cheek. Because from a guy's perspective, I'm going to think if she's spending time with me but she's not aroused around me, there's either no feelings on her end and she's on a pity date with me or there's another guy who wets her whistle more than me. Once again competition is not what most men want in their dating lives.
So men can lie on their profiles in order to persuade a woman to give him a chance, but once they date she had better be totally upfront on when exactly he can expect to get "what he's after?" Man. That's unpleasant. Are you OK with women putting deceptive photos on their profiles, too?
And the whole "arbitrary timeline" thing...no, guys who say "I had better get some by Date Three or I'm out" THEY have an arbitrary timeline. She has most definitely explained her need to be comfortable, and the number of dates or amount of time she has thrown out there is obviously just her best guess estimate. She's not making tick marks on the wall or marking it off on a calendar to figure out when she can be ok to have sex with a guy. She's just been explaining that she is TRYING to avoid being used, and in order to really trust her own judgment that a guy isn't playing her, she prefers to take her time.
What exactly is wrong with that, other than it makes it harder for players to play her?
Sorry but the way you're arguing it, is like she should wear some sort of a warning label so men know that she won't just fall into bed with them early on, because men have some entitlement to expect that, and if they're not gonna get it, they oughtta be warned so they don't waste their time. Well what about all the time women waste on men who don't have decent intentions, does our time count for naught? Psh.
She's already said that she explains how she operates, when in the early stages of dating someone, and it comes up in conversation or feels natural to discuss.
Also, while you are not into multi dating (and that's totally fine) lots of people are. In fact, my Grandmother and my Great Aunt, have stories from when they were young in like the 40's where dating was just about going out for dinners and movies and you did not commit to be exclusive until you were "going steady." Both of them dated multiple young men in those early stages when it was not sexual or serious. Exclusivity should not be assumed, it should be discussed and agreed upon.
OP, your only crime (and only against yourself, really) is in not listening to your gut sooner and standing up for yourself with this man. I think you know that. When you start sensing red flags, it's time to snip it. But questioning ourselves and letting things slide just to get an interaction over with, you are at a phase in your healing process. It takes time to get to the best and healthiest place after you've been in a darker one in the past. But I don't know about you...dating was FULL of learning experiences for me, and each one helps you grown and brings you closer to where you need to be. See them as progress, and best of luck to you.
Thanks Sonic Spork! I do know I should have listened to my gut earlier but I agree with your whole post. You said it better than me!
Dating multiples used to be how it was normally done. My dad once dated three or four women at the same time. My grandparents also. The main reason people are so stuck on early exclusivity is early physical involvement. To be honest, it seems so odd to me that we are in a datung culture where it is apparently totallt normal to have expectations about sex, by the third time you have met someone generally speakimg...but God forbid you talk about religion or politics until you know them!
I agree that sexual compatibility is very important. But friendship is the foundation of any successful relationship and is so foundational. What happens if your spouse can't have sex for some reason? What happens if they become disabled? What happens if she can't have sex after pregnancy for two months? Good Lord, this happens to people all the time, and I hope in that case, you are also friends with your spouse and that you can trust them to have the patience to weather the rough times and not run around on you...because every relationship will have them.
Thanks for the replies, I did learn from reading this thread and from dating this guy.
So men can lie on their profiles in order to persuade a woman to give him a chance, but once they date she had better be totally upfront on when exactly he can expect to get "what he's after?" Man. That's unpleasant. Are you OK with women putting deceptive photos on their profiles, too?
I already made my point in this thread so I'm done after this. That said, I have no idea what you're going on about with nonsense above so quit *trying* to put words in my mouth when I didn't say or intimate anything of the sort. Good lord woman, get over yourself.
I just wanted to update this quickly. Tonight I went out with the guy who a few weeks ago had asked me about where we were (the guy that I liked a lot). We talked about it in person. IT was the most natural, normal conversation about it I have had with anyone. I told him I liked him a lot and was enjoying spending time with him, wanted to see him again, but I wasn't sure if it would be more than that yet. Surprisingly, he said the same. He said he dates slowly, that he didn't care if we were exclusive at this point. I told him I had been out with some other guys and he said he didn't expect us to be exclusive but that he had taken his profile down but certainly didn't think I needed to be exclusive to him yet. He said, basically, that if it is right it will be right and if it is wrong it will be wrong anyway, regardless of exclusivity. That is how I think, essentially, that exclusivity is a false security blanket that should be reserved when you are sure you want things to get more serious, not for someone you've spent a few dates with and will discover a few dates later and after sleeping together a few times, that, well, it's just not there so let's break up and start over. I told him I'm slow on the physical end if he is okay with that or not. I said it feels backwards to me, jumping into bed and then deciding if you can have a decent conversation later. He agreed. He said he was the same and was fine with it.
It was wonderful to have this conversation with a man who thinks like I do, is in a similar place in our relationship, and gave me the perfect kiss at the end of the date. He has kissed me before BTW but just pecks. This was just...nice. It was not too much, it was not over the top, he didn't try to get all intense with it. Just...a perfect kiss. What struck me was that, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all with it, as I did when science guy (the subject of this thread) brought it up, instinctively I just resisted the idea of more with him and even moreso when essentially pushed for it. This guy I didn't do that at all. I would have probably kissed him a bit...more intensely and for a lot longer haha if he hadn't wrapped up the evening. It was nice for me to know and feel that for me, it isn't that I was wierd or off with the other guy and his requests. It was the pushing, the comfort level that just wasn't there, and the fact that I felt pressured to give him things that I wasn't ready to give. This guy also stuck to my boundaries. I had told him I wanted to be home by 11 because my parents are coming in town early tomorrow and he referenced it when he started to escort me to my car, and said, he'd like to make sure I got home near when I wanted. Science guy would never respect those boundaries, there were several times he kept me later than I told him I wanted to say and once on the phone I expressly told him I had an awful headache and didn't want to talk much and he kept going for an hour and half. This guy said, "If the guy is right for you, he will understand your needs for time and space," and it struck me that he was right. Maybe he is going to be more, maybe he isn't, but he was right and it felt nice that he understood me on that level. I found myself thinking once during the night, is this guy for real? Because we had gone to his place after dinner, and we talked. About everything, past relationships, family histories, deeper things. We were on the couch and he didn't try to do anything that would make me uncomfortable. He didn't try to push or move in on me or anything--it was a real, honest, and wonderful conversation. It is about date 9/10 BTW. It was such an easy conversation. I think, more what it is "supposed" to feel like..
Last edited by Inacitysomewhere; 10-13-2017 at 09:56 PM..
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The questions are just a starting point, a tool to weed out at the very beginning those who are honest about sex on the first date or 'sex is a normal part of a dating relationship' people. I KNOW we wouldn't be compatible. Of course they may not mean it. That's where 'what they do' comes into play. Which you can only assess as time goes on. Is their character consistent? Is what I mean.
