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People suck. Everyone seems to be getting something on the side anymore. I'm too old to be on the dating scene anyway. Be single, no lost sleep that someone is messing around.
People suck. Everyone seems to be getting something on the side anymore. I'm too old to be on the dating scene anyway. Be single, no lost sleep that someone is messing around.
How old are you if I may ask - don't feel obliged to answer. There is a reason I ask.
I learned that the guys I thought were my "type" (from when I was in high school, the last time I thought about it, or was single) are in fact not really that appealing to me now, and that my type has completely changed. And what exactly that is now.
I learned which love language expressions I respond to best and how to recognize them in others.
I learned that casual sex isn't really that fulfilling for me and I can't ever guarantee I won't develop attachment...nor can I force myself to have it for someone when I don't, even when he seems "perfect on paper" and cares about me a lot. I learned that while it sucks to have to reject a guy (whether up front, or breaking up with him) that you really like...that the alternative, of dating or sleeping with him just to be nice, when you're just not feelin' it...is worse. And sometimes there is no easy or kind way to handle it, even when we try our best.
I learned that while polyamory seems like almost a natural fit for my ideologies and life preferences, and it's a lovely notion on paper, in real life it is stressful even when it's good and I simply don't have time for it. And that just because I am "wired" to be open to and capable of polyamory, it's not such a huge part of my needs or identity that I've got to have it. I can be just as happy with monogamy...with the right partner.
I learned what I like in bed! Seems crazy not to already have a good idea of that by age 36 (at the time when I was dating, post-marriage) but I really did not know. My ex had been the best I'd had to that point, and it really wasn't that great with him, but I thought "well, guess this is as good as it gets." I'd never had truly awesome sex before. I won't get into all the kinks I discovered I love, but that was life-changing stuff, too.
I formed a great many personal ethics and rules, and gained other insights from books, forums (not this one mostly, though) and discussion groups. I learned that while my own struggles aren't the same as everyone's, or most people's maybe, that nevertheless everybody has struggles.
I don't think I'd want to experience the embarrassment of being arrested for paying some undercover cop acting as a prostitute to service my needs.
I saw something somewhere that said "if you want to be sure it's not a cop, pay them to take nude photos first." The logic was that undercover cops usually make the arrest on the proposition/ exchange for cash. Basically, the "I want to do _____ with you, I'll give you $___.__ to do it." That's the solicitation and that's where the arrest is made. A real prostitute will take the cash for nude photos, and it's also not illegal. An undercover cop is highly unlikely to agree to such a proposition since they're not really sex workers and don't follow through on the propositions. Take it with a grain of salt. I don't know the source, but it seemed like it would work. Frankly, you couldn't pay me enough to hire a prostitute. But to each their own.
As far as this thread goes, I've learned that I try too hard to present as "perfect" and it's not sustainable. By this I mean that at the beginning of relationships I try way too hard to present myself as more patient, less jealous, and generally more easy going than I am. It works for a little while - a few months. Maybe a year, but it's not sustainable long-term and it leads to trouble because I've essentially misrepresented myself and we're both unhappy (I'm being someone I'm not, and she is now with someone who isn't exactly who she thought she was with). So I've made a much, much more conscious effort to accurately represent myself from the start. It's paid off. Some relationships haven't worked out, but I see it for the better (they'd have been doomed down the road if they didn't), and my current relationship is the most satisfying and fulfilling I've ever had.
Also, I'm not a fan of some of the cynicism here, but it's good that so many people are OK with being single. I wish more people were OK with that. Being comfortable and happy single has made relationships better for me (because I'm not in them if they're not working), and has made me much more comfortable/confident on my own. It's REALLY important to be single for a while and get to know yourself.
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