Is anyone in a relationship with someone with ASD/Aspergers? (dating, wife)
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Do you think in the long term it can work?
This isn't my relationship but someone who is important to me.
Every person is different but with this particular person:
They are smart (sorry to stereotype) and their partner can bask in that brightness however many things capture their interest and consume them for long periods at a time to the detriment and neglect of all other things like their partner. Life has to be predictable and they need time alone. Most social occasions are a no-no. When you add to that, that they desire time alone I think this becomes difficult for the partner. And knowing how they truly feel is tough. They can be so emotional at times but it comes more from imitation (i.e. what is seen on TV, movies) if you see what I mean.
Anyway if you are on the spectrum or have a partner who is, are romantic relationships difficult for you?
Is anyone in a relationship with someone with ASD/Aspergers?
Yes.
My partner.
She loves me to bits. She keeps telling me I am the best thing that has ever happened to her.
Intimacy comes naturally to me. I am somewhat sensitive though but those who know me say I am strong. I don't feel strong though. I do have my demons I battle with.
I often get picked out for incomplete communication. I know what I'm saying and what I mean but I don't realize I have left out whole sentences or in my mind I guess I'm thinking the other person knows what I know.
... however many things capture their interest and consume them for long periods at a time to the detriment and neglect of all other things like their partner. Life has to be predictable and they need time alone. Most social occasions are a no-no.
Anyway if you are on the spectrum or have a partner who is, are romantic relationships difficult for you?
Dealing with this now with my wife. This is an issue that can have serious consequences for the non-affected spouse. Here is my cautionary tale.
We were both more introverted growing up. Myself for a variety of reasons, her because her brain just works differently. She was never tested for anything, but shows traits associated with Asperger's Syndrome. When I turned 20, I became a lot more social. Unfortunately it was too little, too late for me. Having not had much relationship experience, I'd reject many of the women my age who were experienced. Over four years I had a few "relationships" of two to three months in length, with minimal intimacy for the most part. I met my wife and she pretty much walked the same path I did, and while she was quite, I felt connected to her. She became my first LTR, been married for over a decade now, together almost fifteen years.
At first I was so happy to finally have a "girlfriend." My friends all were getting married, and they were having kids and doing the kid thing. I was 50/50 on kids, but my wife would say things that indicated she wanted kids. My wife can't mentally deal with raising a kid. I didn't see this, blinded by happiness at the time. She finally admitted she couldn't have children, I decided to stay. I'm OK with this, as life is fairly easy.
She has OCD on cleaning the house on the weekend (just for a couple of hours) and dealing with the yard (mowing, on the other weekend day). The last few years, she flat out refused to go to any parties on my side of the family or that my friends hosted if it interfered with her time table. Her obsessions with mowing and cleaning drove her to this. When her side of the family scheduled something in the afternoon, she would have a light meltdown (messages to me, her mom, wanting to know why, why, why), but she would go as she felt obligated. My wife works out daily, but can't do simple activities like rope courses, water slides, and lets things like not wanting to get her hair wet keep her from going into pools, hot tubs, the ocean, hates being "in the woods" for the most part. Vacations started to suck as I want to live an active lifestyle.
This finally took its toll. I asked her to go on meds (she was on Paxil when we first dated, and she definitely was more open to going on social settings, but not really social herself) and she refused. Lots of fights, I almost had an affair, I asked for a divorce. I'm the only thing she has. She has no friends, none, no one. She is an 85% recluse, but likes to go out to eat and will go to any parties later in the day so long as they don't interfere with her daily afternoon pattern. She finally went on meds recently, and we are taking things one month at a time.
I don't think I can ever leave her though. It is scary for me at forty to even consider dating at my age. Many of the women in my age group are going to have baggage, a lot of it deal breakers for me in terms of LTRs. I'd rater date around, have fun, but in my area, many in my age group are looking for more serious types of bonds. For my wife, a divorce would almost likely mean being alone for the rest of her life. Unless she is hooked up with an equally weird guy, she would be alone, and it is hard for me to think about that.
My advice is to never date people like this. If you see weirdness, get out. This isn't to say my marriage is a complete disaster and I'm severely depressed, it is just that these little things will eventually get to the normal partner. I wish I wouldn't have been a late bloomer and had more of a normal dating life for someone of my level of social interaction. If I had that, I know I likely would've polity declined future dates with my wife. Leaving with around fifteen years invested is just hard, very hard. I'm trying to get back to being content with some happiness. I think I'll get there, but I finally told my wife that if she doesn't do things with me, I don't do things with her. She will get out of the marriage what she puts in.
She loves me to bits. She keeps telling me I am the best thing that has ever happened to her.
Intimacy comes naturally to me. I am somewhat sensitive though but those who know me say I am strong. I don't feel strong though. I do have my demons I battle with.
I often get picked out for incomplete communication. I know what I'm saying and what I mean but I don't realize I have left out whole sentences or in my mind I guess I'm thinking the other person knows what I know.
I am happy to hear a positive tale!
Are there things you do to maintain the relationship?
Dealing with this now with my wife. This is an issue that can have serious consequences for the non-affected spouse. Here is my cautionary tale.
We were both more introverted growing up. Myself for a variety of reasons, her because her brain just works differently. She was never tested for anything, but shows traits associated with Asperger's Syndrome. When I turned 20, I became a lot more social. Unfortunately it was too little, too late for me. Having not had much relationship experience, I'd reject many of the women my age who were experienced. Over four years I had a few "relationships" of two to three months in length, with minimal intimacy for the most part. I met my wife and she pretty much walked the same path I did, and while she was quite, I felt connected to her. She became my first LTR, been married for over a decade now, together almost fifteen years.
At first I was so happy to finally have a "girlfriend." My friends all were getting married, and they were having kids and doing the kid thing. I was 50/50 on kids, but my wife would say things that indicated she wanted kids. My wife can't mentally deal with raising a kid. I didn't see this, blinded by happiness at the time. She finally admitted she couldn't have children, I decided to stay. I'm OK with this, as life is fairly easy.
She has OCD on cleaning the house on the weekend (just for a couple of hours) and dealing with the yard (mowing, on the other weekend day). The last few years, she flat out refused to go to any parties on my side of the family or that my friends hosted if it interfered with her time table. Her obsessions with mowing and cleaning drove her to this. When her side of the family scheduled something in the afternoon, she would have a light meltdown (messages to me, her mom, wanting to know why, why, why), but she would go as she felt obligated. My wife works out daily, but can't do simple activities like rope courses, water slides, and lets things like not wanting to get her hair wet keep her from going into pools, hot tubs, the ocean, hates being "in the woods" for the most part. Vacations started to suck as I want to live an active lifestyle.
This finally took its toll. I asked her to go on meds (she was on Paxil when we first dated, and she definitely was more open to going on social settings, but not really social herself) and she refused. Lots of fights, I almost had an affair, I asked for a divorce. I'm the only thing she has. She has no friends, none, no one. She is an 85% recluse, but likes to go out to eat and will go to any parties later in the day so long as they don't interfere with her daily afternoon pattern. She finally went on meds recently, and we are taking things one month at a time.
I don't think I can ever leave her though. It is scary for me at forty to even consider dating at my age. Many of the women in my age group are going to have baggage, a lot of it deal breakers for me in terms of LTRs. I'd rater date around, have fun, but in my area, many in my age group are looking for more serious types of bonds. For my wife, a divorce would almost likely mean being alone for the rest of her life. Unless she is hooked up with an equally weird guy, she would be alone, and it is hard for me to think about that.
My advice is to never date people like this. If you see weirdness, get out. This isn't to say my marriage is a complete disaster and I'm severely depressed, it is just that these little things will eventually get to the normal partner. I wish I wouldn't have been a late bloomer and had more of a normal dating life for someone of my level of social interaction. If I had that, I know I likely would've polity declined future dates with my wife. Leaving with around fifteen years invested is just hard, very hard. I'm trying to get back to being content with some happiness. I think I'll get there, but I finally told my wife that if she doesn't do things with me, I don't do things with her. She will get out of the marriage what she puts in.
I have to be honest this worries me. I have tried to dissuade my son from his relationship for many reasons not just this but I think he is attracted to this type of person. I forgot to mention the OCD of this person. It sounds like things only got worse as she got older?
I have to be honest this worries me. I have tried to dissuade my son from his relationship for many reasons not just this but I think he is attracted to this type of person. I forgot to mention the OCD of this person. It sounds like things only got worse as she got older?
The change in life is what caused it to get worse. During her college years, the constant change of her part-time jobs, class schedule, and moving from dorm to different apartments played a part in hiding her true nature. She had no choice but to adapt her daily patterns, plus she was in college, so her responsibilities weren't all that much. I worked full-time with a part-time job, going back to college part-time, and generally busy. She was on meds for some of this time at least (not sure when she ever quit) and did go out with my friend group (she had no friends) and while she didn't engage much, she at least went and would talk when spoke to.
Once college ended she got the typical M-F, 9-5 job. I worked various weekends and different hours. She had about half the weekends to herself. She got her yard cutting OCD from her dad, as he was just one of those "lawn guys" himself. The problem is that he'd never let that interfere with other more important things in life, my wife will. So for years it kinda built up to this big deal in her mind. She had a very simple weekend pattern and it just consumed her and these simple chores took precedence over going out with me, going to my family parties, etc..
My wife can change, but it is very hard for her. The threat of divorce, with constant talk of divorce, is pretty much what it is taking to force her to change. I'm hoping meds just make it much easier for her to change, but I don't even know if they will get her to see the issues (the initial dose didn't seem to do anything).
If your son is social, if he wants even the simplest of a social life, and his SO is odd, he needs to leave now. The more years he puts in, the harder it may be. The problem is that the more normalized spouse understands the person is odd, that it is a mental issue, and that they are a good person. It just makes it hard to leave someone who really isn't doing anything purposefully and wrong (liking having an affair, going into massive debt, etc.).
I’m an Aspergian (LOL is that even a real term or did I coin that?) And relationships are not hard for me, but starting relationships were really hard. Had a problem getting dates/relationships (so do a lot of non-Aspergian/spectrum people, as seen on this forum), but haven’t had a problem with keeping relationships. I’ve had two that have lasted over 3 years each, with one lasting over 5 years. I also had a pathetically long dateless drought after the 5 year relationship ended. Back when I was fragile and just stopped trying to meet anybody.
I find this is not something that affects my life too much. Just let me watch my hockey when it’s on, or at least my favorite team, let me rant or rave about it a little bit for a few minutes during and after the games and that’s it. There’s a lot of non-Aspergian people that sit around and watch football all day on Sunday, so why can’t I watch my hockey? I do prefer to stay in, than a night on the town, but I love outdoor activities, too. Like surfing/going to the beach, going out to eat sometimes. Today we’re going to a pumpkin patch with some friends and their kids. We do this every year. I do prefer to eat at home, just the two of us, rather than sit in a restaurant. Sitting in a restaurant is fine sometimes, too.
At the same time, I don’t tell dates that I have Asperger’s. Why? Because it’s none of their business. It’s like how some people don’t bring up that they might have had cancer at a young age or something traumatic that happened to them in their life. If someone can tell that I have it or picks up on it, fine.
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Is anyone in a relationship with someone with ASD/Aspergers?
