Fiancé doesn’t believe in marriage (dating, men, engagement, young)

[Kiwon80]

I’ve been engaged for a few months now. Before dating my fiancé and I got to know each other through mutual friends. When we got to know each other he confessesed to not having dated for several years and that he’s given up on relationships and marriage. Then out of the blue he asks me on dates and he promised me that he has changed his views on marriage. Some time passes and I asked him again if he was still anti-marriage to which he said yes so I asked him to separate. The next day he shows up with an engagement ring, crying to get back together with me. I once again asked if this meant he was now ok about marriages and starting a family and he said yes before I agreed to be his fiancé. Now it’s been a few months with all our friends and family asking when is the date. In both our families the tradition is to set a date a year from the engagement. But he wants nothing of it, he refuses to talk about it and when I try to ask him he cries and says he’s not ready for marriage.

I honestly am going crazy with sadness, I cry so much. We are both financially and professional secure so there should not be any reasons I can think of that he’s being this way. He’s also in his late 30s so it’s not due to young age.

What should I do?

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by Kiwon80

I’ve been engaged for a few months now. Before dating my fiancé and I got to know each other through mutual friends. When we got to know each other he confessesed to not having dated for several years and that he’s given up on relationships and marriage. Then out of the blue he asks me on dates and he promised me that he has changed his views on marriage. Some time passes and I asked him again if he was still anti-marriage to which he said yes so I asked him to separate. The next day he shows up with an engagement ring, crying to get back together with me. I once again asked if this meant he was now ok about marriages and starting a family and he said yes before I agreed to be his fiancé. Now it’s been a few months with all our friends and family asking when is the date. In both our families the tradition is to set a date a year from the engagement. But he wants nothing of it, he refuses to talk about it and when I try to ask him he cries and says he’s not ready for marriage.
I honestly am going crazy with sadness, I cry so much. We are both financially and professional secure so there should not be any reasons I can think of that he’s being this way. He’s also in his late 30s so it’s not due to young age.

What should I do?

You should give back the ring. Sorry

[elnina]

^^^ This.
Two scenarios:
1. He is not ready for marriage and he probably never will be.
OR...
2w. He is not ready to marry YOU for whatever reason.
But when he meets THE ONE, he might get married right away.

When a guy is ready, he will head down the aisle - but not a moment sooner. In the meantime, it's not possible to convince a commitment-phobic guy that you're the best thing that will ever happen to him - even if you are! If you're anxious to get married, your best bet may be looking for someone who doesn't need convincing to get down on one knee.

Bottom line:
If a guy says he has no interest in tying the knot. Instead of trying to change his mind, believe him and move on.

[sweetdreams2013]

This dude definitely doesn't know what he wants out this relationship. He seems too wishy washy. If you don't have the energy or time to keep putting up with this, then Birdie has the right idea. Give him back the ring and move on. Your call.

[Auraliea]

Accept it, and deal with it.

Or

Accept it, and move on.

[Gretchen963]

Originally Posted by Kiwon80

What should I do?

You should believe him when he says he doesn't want to get married.

He only gave you an engagement ring because you wanted to separate and he didn't, not because he actually wanted to tie the knot. It was an appeasement, not a gesture from the heart.

[303Guy]

Make him go with you for counselling. At least find out what's going on with him. He may never be ready for whatever reason but it sounds like you are NOT the problem. He probably doesn't know you are the best thing that has ever happened to him.

Otherwise, as BirdieBelle suggests, give him the ring back.

[LeavingMA]

He is desperate. Doesn't want to get married but doesn't want to lose you.

[Harpaint]

He's been very dishonest and manipulative with you. He lied about his intentions in order to keep you from leaving. He's used you. You have every right to be sad and disappointed. Please leave him immediately and give yourself a chance to recover; most men aren't such selfish dishonest users.

[BellevueNative]

He doesn't want to get married. As others have said, he just gave you a ring to delay you from leaving him.

Thing is, even if you managed to get him to set a date, and walk down the aisle, his heart won't be in it. And it sucks being married to someone whose heart isn't in it. Marriage is hard enough even with two people working at it; it doesn't work as a party of one.