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There are some serious immigration issues involved in all this. This guy just showed up here and now wants to find a job? Ummmm.... that's not something he can do on a tourist visa, and frankly, I'm surprised they let him into the country without a return flight booked.
This. We've had relatives living abroad come to visit, and you don't just get to roll in with no departure date given. Something smells not right.
This. Basically, the OP saw all the red flags and then doubled down.
OP, if you're reading this, pay careful heed: The decisions you make right now will have a direct bearing on your future happiness, either in your marriage or outside it. If you allow your new husband to bully you, that will set the tone for the rest of your life.
Hey, the dad should be a welcome guest in your home, but not a permanent resident. So there should be a plan for your father-in-law to have his own place, not simply become a permanent fixture in your house.
As your earlier post demonstrated, you seem willing to absorb personal abuse that would be unacceptable in a healthy relationship. You would have been far better off postponing the wedding until your intended learned how to respect you.
Last bit of advice. You would be out of your mind to bring a child into this situation. First, adjusting to living together is a challenge in even the healthiest of marriages. But doing so with a potential abuser and a lurking father-in-law is just folly.
In other words, take a close look at how your husband behaves towards you and whether he considers you to be an equal partner in the relationship. I don't believe in going nuclear in a marriage at the slightest of pretexts, but this has all the hallmarks of a disaster in the making.
Exactly.
And please, I know It's not "in style" to love and consider your (potential) unborn children more than yourself, but do just that! We have enough people in this world who were set up for dysfunction and failure from their very conception.
This. Basically, the OP saw all the red flags and then doubled down.
OP, if you're reading this, pay careful heed: The decisions you make right now will have a direct bearing on your future happiness, either in your marriage or outside it. If you allow your new husband to bully you, that will set the tone for the rest of your life.
Hey, the dad should be a welcome guest in your home, but not a permanent resident. So there should be a plan for your father-in-law to have his own place, not simply become a permanent fixture in your house.
As your earlier post demonstrated, you seem willing to absorb personal abuse that would be unacceptable in a healthy relationship. You would have been far better off postponing the wedding until your intended learned how to respect you.
Last bit of advice. You would be out of your mind to bring a child into this situation. First, adjusting to living together is a challenge in even the healthiest of marriages. But doing so with a potential abuser and a lurking father-in-law is just folly.
In other words, take a close look at how your husband behaves towards you and whether he considers you to be an equal partner in the relationship. I don't believe in going nuclear in a marriage at the slightest of pretexts, but this has all the hallmarks of a disaster in the making.
He isn't abusive and that was one incident that we resolved because he was suffering from lack of sleep, problems at work with testing and the stress of planning the wedding. He apologized and hasn't since behaved in any way that attacks me. I do not allow him to bully me and will always speak up in those circumstances. I have read your advice and do take what is being advices to the fullest, so I truly appreciate any feedback! After I told him I was uncomfortable with him living with us he was understanding. Said that he would arrange a way for him to go back, as he didn't want him living there either. His Father speaks another language so its hard to tell what goes on conversely. He listened to my concerns and said it wouldn't happen..but knowing his Father and what his Mom (divorced) including him told me about him not picking up on his end in the past doesn't settle right. I'm worried his Father will pull a sympathy card. I couldn't walk out to comfortably use the restroom in a robe without his Father just sitting their in the kitchen..its getting old.
Last edited by Starlightsfall; 01-01-2018 at 10:35 AM..
But you have an alcoholic smoker just move in who has said he wants to look for a job nearby. He smokes in your apartment?
Where was he living before? Have you spoken to your new husband about this again yet?
Quote:
I've discussed this with my Husband tonight and was pretty shocked when he told me that is Father, who came over from another State to attend our wedding wants to find a job here.
Even without the father-in-law issue, you should NOT have a baby this soon! You can't even get some privacy to bond with each other, now. How do you think it's going to be, when you're pregnant, dealing with pregnancy symptoms (do you really want your NEW husband to see you throwing up in the mornings, getting sick after eating foods day or night that suddenly don't agree with you (more throwing up), then being helpless for weeks or months, as you refuse sex due to an advanced state of pregnancy? Is that the foundation for a successful marriage, do you thing? Going through all of that within months of the wedding?
Give yourselves a year or two of quality couple-time, without any parents or babies around to disrupt this phase of building a solid marriage. You'll have to put your foot down about any relatives staying in your home, and you should enlist your husband's support in that. He should be putting you first now, as his top priority, moving his parents and other family members to a back burner in his list of priorities. If he doesn't do that, you have another problem.
What's the father's immigration status? What kind of visa is he on? Look at his passport; is there a required departure date stamped in it? If he can't afford a hotel, get him an Air B & B. If you can't resolve these problems, and your husband doe not back you up, seriously consider getting an annulment.
Don't refuse sex and inimacy as a way to bargain or negotiate in a relationship ... Sends out the wrong message in a marriage and is viewed much differently by men. Its very unhealthy and longer term effects than what women think... Even beyond when the current conflict is resolved.
You have to figure healthier ways to resolve this conflict.
WTF.
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
Right...because women just love having sex with unreasonable and controlling husbands... she doesn't have to "refuse" sex but if OP doesn't want to, she shouldn't.
OP - your hubby doesn't seem to consider your feelings much or at least you don't believe he does. Why exactly did you get married? Why is he surprising you with his father's appearance? Stop being so shy and ask him directly and TELL him directly what you want. As another poster said, you can still get this annulled.
Just got into a fight and I asked that he take me home to live with my Grandparents till he figures this all out. He asked for the ring back and in exchange I asked for the marriage papers. When I mentioned that, he said keep the ring. I told him his Father cannot stay here, only temporary for a week and then there needs to be a return flight or somewhere else he is staying. If he finds a job and it falls through I know he will be right back here looking for a place to live and that is a bad idea. I'm not ready for kids right now, given we just started life together and there are things that are too complex, neither healthy for a child to endure. (I'll take that warning) I hate coming out like I'm hateful or spiteful to his Father, but I didn't expect life to include him. When I mentioned wanting our dining room back, he disregarded that. We really need to work on communication and I told him that he will start speaking to me calmly without finger pointing or accusations, otherwise the marriage paper that isn't stamped yet will get torn in half. Either way, I'll be tempararly staying with my Family to deeply think this out.
He doesn't smoke in our apartment but, he does outside and his clothes still smell of smoke, including his luggage and our bathroom is starting to smell slightly like it too. He was an alcoholic in the past when my H was little, but had quit. Either way I plan to live with Family temporarily to think and reclaim some privacy. They have different rules as opposed to his Family and a bigger house so, its not like a small apartment where someone is just hanging out in the living room as we walk out. What sucks is this makes me look like the bad guy and my H has been looking around in the past hour for his Father's job in a panic. (His Father doesn't speak English too well and only knows thank you.) -sighs- Need major time to think this out and I will be reading everyone's replies here. Its nice not to feel alone in this situation so, thank you..seriously..
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