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It sounds like she's a good old-fashioned, straight out of the 90s Rules Girl.
That could be. But it may even go back further. Growing up in the traditional south, we were raised that girls did not call boys. They waited by the phone because it was perceived as being too "forward" and desperate to make the first contact. The mothers of boys would automatically label girls who did this as unacceptable girlfriend material, and this mindset is ingrained in some men and women still today.
I wonder what the psychology is behind always having another initiate a conversation. I'm currently in a situation where the person I'm with just won't initiate. We've discussed this, and for some reason she states she does not initiate stating she does not want to be a "bother". Oddly enough she's criticized me for not communicating enough with her. I pointed out the hypocrisy.
I think there is a psychology game factor at play, but I can't place my finger on it.
Why on earth would someone never initiate conversation? what is the psychology behind it?
When I first dated the woman I later married (a total sociopath, by the way) she also didn't initiate conversation. I talked quite a bit, so at first it didn't bother me so much.
I did eventually bring it up and she gave me an explanation much like what you received. She assured me it would get better as we grew closer. She, too, occasionally would suggest that I was the uncommunicative one.
Nearly 12 dreadful years later, she no longer even makes a pretense. There is no actual interest in communication, it was just part of the "No, I'm shy, not abnormal" lie to keep things even. I tried waiting her out for a while just to see what happened. The result was a 1.5 hour drive, each way, in total silence.
At the end of 2016 I had to give up a second job because our son broke down and begged me to not go. "When you're gone I'm so lonely, daddy," he told me. It turned out that unless she was asking him whether he wanted food, or telling him to do something, the entire day would pass without her speaking to him or otherwise acknowledging him.
This was all a far cry from the image presented when we dated, and quite exemplary of the 180 she pulled post-wedding.
Maybe yours is shy, it truly does happen. Just be wary. If it doesn't feel right, odds are something is afoot.
It's straight up insecurity at its base, compounded by who knows what.
If she's in her 20s, I don't believe for a second that it's etiquette related. It's more to do with being self-centered, which when combined with insecurity can mean big problems with entitlement. This behavior puts all the burden of the relationship on YOU and makes her somewhat of martyr who can't be blamed for anything because, why, she didn't want to be a burden!!
Good luck with this one. Personally, I would not bother trying to pursue this relationship unless you like torturing yourself.
Since you were not communicating enough initially with her, according to her, she is now setting up communication where you will need to communicate and initiate more if you want to have her participation.
It sounds like maybe her current practice could be a result of you not communicating enough initially or in the past, and she became tired of being the one who initiates contact.
It also sounds like maybe you hurt her feelings in the past when she originally initiated some and maybe you treated her like a bother one time or more, so her current practice is the result of hurt feelings.
Last edited by matisse12; 01-11-2018 at 04:04 PM..
I'm trying to relate to this in order to understand/maybe explain it psychologically a bit. I do this with friends sometimes. I say I want to spend time with them, and I do...sort of. Like I do, in vague and general theory. But when an opportunity arises and I am finally free, with no plans for an evening, for some weird reason, without even reaching out, I assume that they have better things to do, they're busy, I don't want to bother them... Why? I am not sure. Maybe a little insecurity or pre-emptive "what if I do try to reach out and no one is available, that won't feel nice" thing. Maybe because I have other old friends and family that I don't even feel like I can call and talk to anymore, because they don't answer or call me back. Deep down feeling (almost certainly rooted in childhood) that while people like me on the surface, those who get to know me well, past the point of sharing all the stories with someone I just met, the ones who get the chance to see my true self, reject me and just don't like the real me. I'm disappointingly boring past the first hours of getting to know me, those initial stories and laughs. Underneath, just a regular person, not terribly entertaining.
So an attempt to initiate contact or conversation is a bid for attention and affirmation. One that the other party can indulge by engaging, or reject by ignoring, or giving a curt non-response, or responding negatively to. I've read some "How to have a great long term relationship" articles that mentioned turning toward your partner, not away, acknowledging those bids for attention, affirmation and connection, by giving them your attention, by hearing them, by acknowledging them. Beyond not ignoring them there is also the thing of not taking whatever they're talking about and turning it into something about you. That whole "I'm not listening, I'm waiting my turn to talk" business.
Maybe this is a reaction to something in your behavior that made her feel this way, or (more likely) it is a programmed behavior from her interactions with others, even as far back as her childhood, where she didn't feel like people genuinely appreciated her or wanted her around. To find real improvement, she'd have to be willing to explore her mind and history and see if there is something she needs to process. But if you are going to be any part of that, she has to feel safe being vulnerable to you, yes I know, I harp on that a bit, but it's true. If she fears, rightly or no, that you will reject her if she's got an issue or you won't be understanding of her, she will keep her walls up and you'll get nowhere. I would recommend you spend some time together with no distractions from each other. No electronics, games, movies, TV, phones. Time giving one another your full attention. Ask her if she ever has something happen, some little thing in her day, that she thinks about reaching out to share with you, but she doesn't. And ask her to think about how that feels, when she makes the choice to NOT initiate conversation with you, what is going through her mind in that moment. And then ask if she can think of any other times in her life with other people, when she felt that way, and why. Get to the root of the programming, if she's willing to play along.
Interestingly, I don't think it's laziness on her part. I think there is some type of power trip or defense mechanism going on.
Would love to see if any one else has experienced this.
l have , and l'm early 50s she's late 40s so we ain't kids.
l don't think with yours it's a game or power thing, could be some head issues though or maybe she just needs to feel secure in your feelings about her , before she lets go. That's just a feeling from what you've said.
But some people particularly women are like this.
Mind you , she's got a pretty warped up view of it all when you tackle her about it too or if you don't message her for awhile so on the other hand l'd be eyes open l think.
But eh , again that's pretty common.
No clue about her level of feelings for you though or whether it could be lack of interest as well.
Mine , we've only just met a mth ago, date site, oh no,right !
But it's also been very weird in that way.
She liked me straight back day one on the site, we emailed a bit there, very slow , few days l phoned her and we hit it off really well. even she said she's never met anyone where we could just talk and feel so comfortable so it wasn't only my side.
She talks her head off, very open and funny too .
Yet texting is literally painful, lucky to squeeze a few a day. l've tried to call more but she wants to take it really slow, if l push it because texting's so hopeless she says l'm getting too pushy.
she checks out chat app all day all night , but rarely ,messages but if l do she answers straight away but then that's it.
l'm new at old after divorce but it's usually me stalling and them pushy so far. now l finally meet someone l'm so into , yet she's like this.
Pain in the ass, dunno what to do with her. so l feel for ya.
I wonder what the psychology is behind always having another initiate a conversation. I'm currently in a situation where the person I'm with just won't initiate. We've discussed this, and for some reason she states she does not initiate stating she does not want to be a "bother". Oddly enough she's criticized me for not communicating enough with her. I pointed out the hypocrisy.
I think there is a psychology game factor at play, but I can't place my finger on it.
Why on earth would someone never initiate conversation? what is the psychology behind it?
Maybe she was raised to not speak, unless spoken to? Maybe she was constantly 'hushed' growing up?
^^^ This? Where is she is from? Raised by conservative parents?
Shy? thinks her English is inferior and is afraid to be misunderstood? There might be so many factors... and no mind games at all...
Did you considered that, OP?
NOTE: you had another thread about people never texting first. The psychology behind never texting first...
I don't want to sound rude, but maybe people just don't like to talk to you, for whatever reason it might be... Perhaps you are a person who "knows it all", or give sarcastic/condescending answers, or don't carry on a conversation, or don't seems to be interested in whatever topic others try to start... Maybe you are intimidating, or argumentative and don't realize that?
I am just guessing. There might be a reason that has nothing to do with mind games...
^^^ This? Where is she is from? Raised by conservative parents?
Shy? thinks her English is inferior and is afraid to be misunderstood? There might be so many factors... and no mind games at all...
Did you considered that, OP?
NOTE: you had another thread about people never texting first. The psychology behind never texting first...
I don't want to sound rude, but maybe people just don't like to talk to you, for whatever reason it might be... Perhaps you are a person who "knows it all", or give sarcastic/condescending answers, or don't carry on a conversation, or don't seems to be interested in whatever topic others try to start... Maybe you are intimidating, or argumentative and don't realize that?
I am just guessing. There might be a reason that has nothing to do with mind games...
Sure, it might be that, but that's not always the case. Some people just will not initiate conversation under any circumstance.
Last edited by elnina; 01-11-2018 at 08:04 PM..
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