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Birds of a feather flock together. Make sure you agree on the big things, money, religion. Family etc. it’s much easier when the fundamentals/basics have been agreed on. Make sure you marry your best friend, somebody that makes feel better about life no matter how rough it gets. It will get rough. Always be willing to communicate and forgive. I wish I would’ve learned that sooner, could’ve saved us some grief. Pride and grudges get you no where but distanced. Don’t underestimate temptation. Don’t put yourself in situations where trust can be broken. Have sex with your spouse regularly even if you don’t feel like it.
We have made many mistakes, but I am so glad we have stuck it out together. It has strengthened our bond and now we always make our marriage a priority. We put each other first and make sure the other feels loved.
Will you both work, even when you have children? How does your earning potential compare? You'll have a 43% chance of divorce in the future, no matter what you think now, so if that happens who wins/loses, and how do you ensure neither of you gets screwed?
What happens if one of you is injured or sick and can no longer have or enjoy sex? How will you deal with that scenario? Divorce? Open relationship? Cheat? Best to think of possible disasters before you marry. And that includes financial disasters, addictions, bad/excessive debt, priorities, different spending/saving habits, and on and on. If you haven't discussed all this and more, and reached agreement, you're really not ready to get married, IMO.
Your spouse, or anyone else for that matter, is NOT a mind reader. Don't assume s/he does or should know what's on your mind. You have to tell them in a calm and kind way. No couple will ever agree on every thing. Disagreements are NOT a sign of a bad relationship necessarily. It's about how you resolve the differences. Throw the romantic notion of always agreeing aside and accept the fact that each of you are human with human feelings and foibles.
There are lots of things I could write but 1000's of books have already been written on it.
Go for a pre-marriage counseling session(s) with a family counselor who specializes in pre-marriage counseling. Best thing we ever did, and we’ve been happily married now for 15 going on 16 years. We went to one session, it was 2 hours. Great investment.
If you discuss these things and serious mismatches arise, are you ready postpone or cancel the wedding if necessary? There isn't much use in having this discussion if you or he are ultimately going to buckle and just go along with it because you're afraid of calling it off.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by echo7tango
Go for a pre-marriage counseling session(s) with a family counselor who specializes in pre-marriage counseling. Best thing we ever did, and we’ve been happily married now for 15 going on 16 years. We went to one session, it was 2 hours. Great investment.
This. If you're religious, your church may have some. Heck, I don't know if it is still the case, but in Catholicism it was required for a church wedding.
You need to learn and practice how to discuss difficult subjects, how to productively resolve conflict, compromise and move on. You need to set aside so-called expectations, otherwise you’ll become frustrated. You need to set loving ground rules on how to manage when you’re both angry.
Despite the best of plans, there will be road blocks and stumbles. Do as much reading and research as you can before you get married. Talk about it. Prepare.
This. If you're religious, your church may have some. Heck, I don't know if it is still the case, but in Catholicism it was required for a church wedding.
It's called pre-Cana. I went to pre-Cana and remember it being mostly listening to the priest.
Looking back on it, I'd prefer a more dynamic counseling that has both people actively engaging. It should start out by rigorously challenging the suitability of the marriage. If the prospective couple makes it through that phase, then it should move into developing partnership skills.
How to raise children. My husband and I disagreed mightily on the best way to raise our two daughters (he wanted to be hard on them so they would be disciplined, I wanted to be a soft place for them to fall). We had SO MANY fights on what was right and what was wrong, and the only thing that stopped the fights was the kids growing up and moving out haha.
This, and education for the kids can cause fights. Private school, or public? If private, should the child enter with its age-group, or early? No matter what type of school, the question of red-shirting (some parents believe it gives the child an advantage to hold them back a year, so they're older & more mature than classmates) may come up. If the b-day is a late one for the school calendar, that question will come up, especially.
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