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Real quick. Both mid 30s. No kids. Been dating 8 months. Things are great. In love. She’s 8 weeks pregnant. Unexpectedly. I plan to marry her. She told me baby will take her name. She won’t budge on this. I feel like this is disrespectful to me and a slap in the face. She says if we marry we can change it later. My thing is that I will always be the father and in the picture.
And she is the mother, and will always be in the picture - why do you feel your name should take priority? Because you're the man? Don't tell me it's out of tradition or social convention - historically, it has usually been tradition that a child born out of wedlock is given the mother's surname.
Quote:
As man always wanting kids I always thought of them having my name.
Of course you did - because you're a man and that's what you've been taught, like it's some kind of male right or something. Have you ever considered what it's like for women to be expected to give up her name, her heritage, and watch her children never carry on that legacy of hers? Have you ever considered that some women don't like the idea of that and may not want it, especially if she's not 100% sure you always will be in the picture? I realize you intent to be, but you also have to realize she has no way of knowing how true that is. She's only known you 8 months, that's not a very long time.
Have you approached the option of hyphenating the names with her and if so, what did she say?
historically, it has usually been tradition that a child born out of wedlock is given the mother's surname.
That is true ... OP in most states you would have to establish paternity and the mother would have to consent to give the baby your name, so this argument may be moot until you get married.
Maybe you need to discuss the idea of getting married privately before she has the baby.
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Originally Posted by PA2UK
She's only known you 8 months, that's not a very long time.
He did say they have known each other since high school.
He did say they have known each other since high school.
That's still not the same thing as being in a relationship and knowing someone completely. If you ask me, the bigger issue is that after only 8 months they are planning to marry just because she's pregnant. The issue of the baby's name should really be secondary to that, and frankly, it doesn't sound to me like they are ready to get married soon, but they probably don't want to hear that.
That's still not the same thing as being in a relationship and knowing someone completely. If you ask me, the bigger issue is that after only 8 months they are planning to marry just because she's pregnant. The issue of the baby's name should really be secondary to that, and frankly, it doesn't sound to me like they are ready to get married soon, but they probably don't want to hear that.
He claims to love her and to have been planning to propose anyway, but, like you, I also have doubts about whether they are ready.
Unfortunately, unplanned pregnancies do have this compression effect on relationships, so time will tell if they can make the best of this situation.
Of course you should be a responsible fatherbut that doesn't have to include marriage for the wrong reasons.
A mother has the opportunity to put anyone's name on the birth certificate or leave it blank for later to be filled. That person is on the hook for support... So the name of the child has little reason in this matter.
Traditionally the child took the fathers name but that's old tradition and I don't believe that should be the deciding factor in people's choices.
If you are to be married or even living together as a family, expect to resolve issues far more challenging than this. There is no wrong or right answer here... Just something you two need to work out or compromise on. If you two can't figure this out... Even more of an indication that neither of you are ready for parenting much less marriage.
Ps. So let say the child takes on her name. Then when you get married, then what? Will she take your name? Then what of the child?
Also, there is no laws regarding last names.. You can pick whatever you want. In some Indian cultures for example, the surname of the children is the first name of the father. In other cultures, it's the location of the fathers native area.
Real quick. Both mid 30s. No kids. Been dating 8 months. Things are great. In love. She’s 8 weeks pregnant. Unexpectedly. I plan to marry her. She told me baby will take her name. She won’t budge on this. I feel like this is disrespectful to me and a slap in the face. She says if we marry we can change it later. My thing is that I will always be the father and in the picture. Paying for tings etc. so it should have my name. To me the only reason a woman should do this is if the dad is a deadbeat and not in the picture. And she once told me that if she had a kid before marriage she would never get married because she thinks her body will never look the same. She’s very particular about her body. So I’m afraid she won’t marry me and my child would never have my name. If she doesn’t trust me that I’ll marry her why should I trust her to say yes. As man always wanting kids I always thought of them having my name. Anybody with experience with this what are your thoughts?
Thanks
She will also be "in the picture", "paying for things" and a whole lot of "etc.". So why does your desire for this child to have your surname trump hers? As a woman always wanting kids she may always thought of them having her name.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cantabridgienne
She will also be "in the picture", "paying for things" and a whole lot of "etc.". So why does your desire for this child to have your surname trump hers? As a woman always wanting kids she may always thought of them having her name.
I think it's very rare that a woman has a desire to have her baby have her name. Not very many women name a daughter after themselves - I've only known two - and both are extremely self-centered high maintenance women. I would call them both narcissistic, actually.
It's pretty common for men to want a "jr." to follow in his footsteps.
I would be very upset if I were the OP, and I think she's doing this out of anger actually. Just to stick her thumb in his eye.
But I don't understand women - at all - who will say they don't want to get married while pregnant because they won't look ravishing. She's going to have a rough time aging as her beauty fades. Really rough.
If you wanted the baby to have your name, you shouldn't have gotten her pregnant out of wedlock. Why should she give the child your name when you might dump her? How does she know you're going to stick around and the three of you will actually be a family?
If she is as vain as you make her sound, she'll snap back soon after the birth. Then you can propose if that's what you still want to do, and she and the child can both change names then. But until then, she owes you nothing.
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