Gf wants baby to have her surname (single, children, American)
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I have a nice last name and my ex-husband has a stupid-sounding last name that people have always made fun of. I took his name when we got married because it meant something to him, but I took my real name back as part of the divorce. (On my wedding day, my SIL law said, "Oh God, I couldn't WAIT to get married and get rid of that name, and now you're stuck with it.").
I had the exact same situation when I was married. My SIL told me the same thing. I didn't expect it to bug me so much, but I hated my married last name. When I got divorced I took back my maiden name, and I will never change it again.
Something a lot of men don't realize, but was mentioned earlier in this thread: When women change their last names due to marriage, it can make us feel like we're losing a bit of "us" - our family history, heritage, identity, etc. My ex had a very distinctive German last name, whereas I don't have a drop of German blood. Every time I gave someone my married last name, they'd make some remark about it, or ask a question about it...And I had no idea how to answer their questions or what to say...I had no connection to the name.
To me, it sounds like the OP's girlfriend, though she may love him right now, is not sure whether she wants to marry him. And I don't blame her for not rushing to marry him after 8 months of dating just because she's pregnant; IMO it's a bad reason for people to get married.
So just because something is a social expectation, that makes it right, and we should all blindly follow it unquestioningly? Sorry, but no. Social expectation is changing in the modern Western world. And rightfully so. Time for you to catch up.
I think the issue is lack of communication.
If there are societal defaults to which you don't describe, then you should have the decency to be upfront about it, so all involved can make an informed choice. This is especially true surrounding the biggest choice a person makes in their life: the having a kid.
To me, it sounds like the OP's girlfriend, though she may love him right now, is not sure whether she wants to marry him. And I don't blame her for not rushing to marry him after 8 months of dating just because she's pregnant; IMO it's a bad reason for people to get married.
I had the exact same situation when I was married. My SIL told me the same thing. I didn't expect it to bug me so much, but I hated my married last name. When I got divorced I took back my maiden name, and I will never change it again.
Something a lot of men don't realize, but was mentioned earlier in this thread: When women change their last names due to marriage, it can make us feel like we're losing a bit of "us" - our family history, heritage, identity, etc. My ex had a very distinctive German last name, whereas I don't have a drop of German blood. Every time I gave someone my married last name, they'd make some remark about it, or ask a question about it...And I had no idea how to answer their questions or what to say...I had no connection to the name.
.
I didn't feel that way at all. For me, my identity, sense of heritage and whatnot has nothing to do with my last name. In fact, I was happy to take my husband's name because it doesn't require spelling out for people!
In the OP's case, if he wants her to give the baby his name, he needs to marry her today. They can have a big fancy ceremony later, but get down to the courthouse and get it done.
I am an old white man that is pretty conservative and I think it is kind of dumb for a woman to change her name. Reminds me of when women were considered property and not a partner. Kind of like putting a brand on her.
In the OPs case I think the woman would be nuts to give the baby his name.
Why? It's the last line of defense. She doesn't even know if she wants to get married. End the pregnancy before it's too late and shore up things on the birth control end(on both of their parts), until she's in a more stable situation.
Edit: Although I may be misreading your comment.
Last edited by Fifty Seven; 04-04-2018 at 07:28 AM..
I think it's very rare that a woman has a desire to have her baby have her name. Not very many women name a daughter after themselves - I've only known two - and both are extremely self-centered high maintenance women. I would call them both narcissistic, actually.
It's pretty common for men to want a "jr." to follow in his footsteps.
I would be very upset if I were the OP, and I think she's doing this out of anger actually. Just to stick her thumb in his eye.
But I don't understand women - at all - who will say they don't want to get married while pregnant because they won't look ravishing. She's going to have a rough time aging as her beauty fades. Really rough.
I think it’s rare that a woman voices the desire, not that she has it. Mostly women who want to keep their names or have children having their names just quietly bow to tradition because they know they will get bullied over it.
I kept my own name. If I had had girls, they would have had my last name. I had boys and they were given their father’s last name. This had nothing to do with anger either way. I got a lot of grief over my decision for not changing my name.
People bring up that “women have their father’s last name, anyway.” A name one grows up using is an identity belonging to one’s self, not just to one’s father—especially if one works, has credit, has professional licenses, etc. Not all women have their father’s last name, either. But if this argument is brought up, consider that men also have their fathers’ last names (and frequently the fathers’ first and middle names as well; are these men not individuals with their own identities?). Why should a man’s father’s last name take precedence over my father’s last name? I knew and loved my father for many years before I ever even met my husband’s father.
If a woman wishes to change her name, fine. If not, her wish should be respected.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gusano
I think it’s rare that a woman voices the desire, not that she has it. Mostly women who want to keep their names or have children having their names just quietly bow to tradition because they know they will get bullied over it.
I kept my own name. If I had had girls, they would have had my last name. I had boys and they were given their father’s last name. This had nothing to do with anger either way. I got a lot of grief over my decision for not changing my name.
People bring up that “women have their father’s last name, anyway.” A name one grows up using is an identity belonging to one’s self, not just to one’s father—especially if one works, has credit, has professional licenses, etc. Not all women have their father’s last name, either. But if this argument is brought up, consider that men also have their fathers’ last names (and frequently the fathers’ first and middle names as well; are these men not individuals with their own identities?). Why should a man’s father’s last name take precedence over my father’s last name? I knew and loved my father for many years before I ever even met my husband’s father.
If a woman wishes to change her name, fine. If not, her wish should be respected.
This discussion isn't about her not changing her name, is the thing. It's about not naming her baby the father's last name. There was a time - maybe 30ish years ago, where that was very common, because the woman had established a name for herself in her career, and wanted to keep her name, as she should be able to do if she desires. It becomes very complicated, the mom having a different name from the dad and the children, but she should do what she feels comfortable with.
I'm not sure I understand - at all - the desire to name your daughters your name and your sons your husband's name. That would feel like a very divided family, in my opinion.
I'm a little jaded on this because I had a terrible last name and was thrilled to pieces to marry and get a great name. Everyone can spell it, no one makes jokes, what a joy.
In the OP's case, if he wants her to give the baby his name, he needs to marry her today. They can have a big fancy ceremony later, but get down to the courthouse and get it done.
Did you read the op's posts? She won't get married while pregnant and won't marry once she has had a baby.
Of course, then also said that she said if they get married, maybe they can change the name later.
So, one of those stories where things don't line up.
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