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At risk of offending with this analogy, I bought a new car recently. It's not the car I would have bought if I could have bought any car I wanted. But within the options actually available to me, I feel like I made a good choice, and I'm quite happy with it.
So did I settle, or did I choose wisely?
The term for it is "satisficing" in that it both satisfies and suffices.
At risk of offending with this analogy, I bought a new car recently. It's not the car I would have bought if I could have bought any car I wanted. But within the options actually available to me, I feel like I made a good choice, and I'm quite happy with it.
So did I settle, or did I choose wisely?
I’d say you did both. My car isn’t anything fancy, but it’s the exact car I wanted and there isn’t really anything I’d change about it if I could. (Ok, I’m lying. I’d make it self-driving.)
As touched on by a few already, what many call "settling" might more appropriately be called accepting reality and becoming reasonable. A relationship isn't just about what you want in a partner but also about what the other wants in a partner and your ability to offer that.
At risk of offending with this analogy, I bought a new car recently. It's not the car I would have bought if I could have bought any car I wanted. But within the options actually available to me, I feel like I made a good choice, and I'm quite happy with it.
So did I settle, or did I choose wisely?
If the new car has not made you forget the desired one, if you'd still rather have it and you'd swap immediately if the (assumed) more expensive one became available to you, then yes, you settled.
Substitute a woman for the car and I think you'll agree with me.
Was it a wise thing to do? Certainly , since the car has no feelings and doesn't know it's second best.
As far as the OP's question concerning relationships, the word "ideal" was used.
I think it's a safe bet to say very, very few find a perfect ideal but that is more a dropping of unrealistic expectations that you discover aren't all that important rather than it is "settling".
I may not be with the "perfect man" but I am happy. We both have our drawbacks, but I don't feel like I settled (and I don't think he does either). My highest priority was and is honesty and fidelity. I feel like I have that, so I will cheerfully adapt and accept areas where he's less than perfect. That's just being an adult, accepting reality, and understanding not everything will always go as planned.
If the new car has not made you forget the desired one, if you'd still rather have it and you'd swap immediately if the (assumed) more expensive one became available to you, then yes, you settled.
Substitute a woman for the car and I think you'll agree with me.
Was it a wise thing to do? Certainly , since the car has no feelings and doesn't know it's second best.
We're all second best. What's remarkable is when we connect with people despite being second, or 50th, best.
Do you not know any happy couples who couldn't possibly have felt that they were each other's ideal when they met, but who formed a deep connection that put those ideals on a shelf somewhere collecting dust?
Chriz, I'm curious. How many long-term relationships have you been in? Are your family and friends in loving relationships as well? You talk about interpersonal issues like it's all theoretical, like you've never seen it in person.
PM me if you want to learn more about me.
As far as this thread is concerned, please stay on topic.
You know what's odd... I would say, between my boyfriend and I, that my objective dating "market value" as in, how many options even worth consideration I might have, if I made myself available in my social environment, is way, way higher than his. If we are talking outside-looking-in, how easy would it be for me to find a partner, versus how easy it has (not) been for him.
But if you asked me who settled? I'd think he did. I don't get the sense he feels that way, he seems genuinely enthusiastic and grateful to have me. But I see it as a difference in our psychology. I considered many options, dated many people, and partnered with the one who truly makes me happy, without much of a preconceived "ideal" of what he might be, before we met. I went along like "I'll know it when I see it." I know other people might not think he's perfect, but I think he's perfect for me.
He held out and waited, with more of an "ideal" in his mind, as to what he really wanted, and it's one reason I'm his first relationship and he's almost 60. He would not settle for just any woman. And while I feel I made the threshold of what he needed...he probably, in fantasy, would rather a younger or more perfect looking woman, I think. Maybe one without kids, or an ex in the background. Can't say I'd blame him. I don't feel that I am his "ideal" but I'm as close to it as he's ever going to get, and he knows that, and is, I think, more than content.
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