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For anyone wondering why a woman might not respond with a rejection via text, and prefer to just remain silent, see the "Bye Felipe" Instagram account.
Precisely. It's why I don't date anymore. Another trove of psychotic Felipes can be found on the r/niceguys subreddit.
I'm in the camp that feels that it was really bad that he sent her an invoice and also feels that it was really bad that she posted on Twitter about it. I don't feel that it was bad that she ghosted him, even though I don't like ghosting. Mostly because it was 1 date and ghosting after 1-3 dates online is how both men and women convey that they are not interested these days. Ghosting is disappearing without saying a word. Not one word, not even a warning. Ghosting after you've been dating for a while, or God forbid, married, is not cool at all. I don't think Ghosting after being married ever happens. I understand Ghosting after 1 date, because there are some crazies out there and you can get a vibe from them on the date that they are going to be one of those, so ghosting just seems safer. I also think she shouldn't have let him pay for her if she knew she didn't like him.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth
I'm in the camp that feels that it was really bad that he sent her an invoice and also feels that it was really bad that she posted on Twitter about it. I don't feel that it was bad that she ghosted him, even though I don't like ghosting. Mostly because it was 1 date and ghosting after 1-3 dates online is how both men and women convey that they are not interested these days. Ghosting is disappearing without saying a word. Not one word, not even a warning. Ghosting after you've been dating for a while, or God forbid, married, is not cool at all. I don't think Ghosting after being married ever happens. I understand Ghosting after 1 date, because there are some crazies out there and you can get a vibe from them on the date that they are going to be one of those, so ghosting just seems safer. I also think she shouldn't have let him pay for her if she knew she didn't like him.
I would not really have had a problem with the ghosting if she didn’t put up that Twitter post. Yeah, the guys a nut, no argument there but her putting up that post implies she has moral high ground in this situation, which she does not because if she hadn’t ghosted him in the first place the bill probably would not have happened. IMO she lost her right to claim any higher morality when she ghosted him.
Yes, I’m familiar with the Bye Felipe problem and let me just apologize to women all across the world that some guys can’t take an L and move on without getting nasty and hostile. Diss don’t play that crap and never will (at least directly to a woman.) But still the right thing to do is to be honest and open and tell the dude no thanks. After that block him if you feel like it. You remember how hurt you are when a guy ghosted you, does that fact that there are guys out there who will get nasty if you reject them make it less moral to respond with a polite rejection just to make sure you don’t inflict the pain of uncertainty on a guy? I think not. Yes, you don’t owe a guy anything but the best look is always compassionate honesty.
I would not really have had a problem with the ghosting if she didn’t put up that Twitter post. Yeah, the guys a nut, no argument there but her putting up that post implies she has moral high ground in this situation, which she does not because if she hadn’t ghosted him in the first place the bill probably would not have happened. IMO she lost her right to claim any higher morality when she ghosted him.
Yes, I’m familiar with the Bye Felipe problem and let me just apologize to women all across the world that some guys can’t take an L and move on without getting nasty and hostile. Diss don’t play that crap and never will (at least directly to a woman.) But still the right thing to do is to be honest and open and tell the dude no thanks. After that block him if you feel like it. You remember how hurt you are when a guy ghosted you, does that fact that there are guys out there who will get nasty if you reject them make it less moral to respond with a polite rejection just to make sure you don’t inflict the pain of uncertainty on a guy? I think not. Yes, you don’t owe a guy anything but the best look is always compassionate honesty.
I can agree with this. I would only ghost if ABSOLUTELY necessary. Meaning: The guy won't take no for an answer, keeps attempting to get in contact with me, is aggressive, rude, etc. Otherwise, if he genuinely seemed interested and asked me for a second date, I would tell him what's up.
I would not really have had a problem with the ghosting if she didn’t put up that Twitter post. Yeah, the guys a nut, no argument there but her putting up that post implies she has moral high ground in this situation, which she does not because if she hadn’t ghosted him in the first place the bill probably would not have happened. IMO she lost her right to claim any higher morality when she ghosted him.
Yes, I’m familiar with the Bye Felipe problem and let me just apologize to women all across the world that some guys can’t take an L and move on without getting nasty and hostile. Diss don’t play that crap and never will (at least directly to a woman.) But still the right thing to do is to be honest and open and tell the dude no thanks. After that block him if you feel like it. You remember how hurt you are when a guy ghosted you, does that fact that there are guys out there who will get nasty if you reject them make it less moral to respond with a polite rejection just to make sure you don’t inflict the pain of uncertainty on a guy? I think not. Yes, you don’t owe a guy anything but the best look is always compassionate honesty.
I disagree. She’s not saying she is moral, she is saying he is not sane. Two totally different things. If anything *he* implying my some sort of really weird morality - that she should be assigned monetary fines for not behaving in a specific way.
I hope he does turn her over to a collection agency. Maybe people would ghost less if there were consequences for their behavior. A failed first date to a man usually means he's out some amount of cash and has to start over with a different woman. It's unpleasant.
I agree the man didn't plan a good date. Dinner is a bad date idea until after the relationship has been consummated.
And what, exactly, is a failed first date? One that doesn't lead to the relationship being "consummated?"
If you want a guarantee, forget dating and hire a hooker.
Sure, unless her spidy sense says this guy is unhinged in some way (potentially dangerous) than I agree with you.
Still, his actions showed that she was probably wise to listen to her senses, any guy that would consider this course of action as a serious screw loose. Not odd in a funny way, but pretty "off".
(And perhaps its just me, but I don't consider not replying to a single text to be ghosting as I miss texts daily).
^^^This. I've been out with that guy - the one who just seems a little bit "off." I didn't feel a bit bad about pulling a vanishing act after that very uncomfortable date, and stuff I learned from mutual acquaintances later confirmed that I did the right thing.
As for the whole "is dinner a good first date" question, all I have to say is this:
On a first date, schedule an activity that you would enjoy anyway, either on your own or with friends. That way, if the date's a bust, you don't feel like you have completely wasted your time or money. If you often eat at an upscale place, and feel at ease there, fine. If you do not, and are arranging things solely to impress, or to make the other person feel obligated, forget it. You will be uncomfortable, and your motives will be obvious.
Flip side? If you don't like the other person well enough to join them for a walk in the park or a cup of coffee, don't say yes just because they offer to spend a heap of cash on you.
I wouldn't be surprised. Of course she was rude to not respond to his 2nd date invitation, but it's not her fault he chose to buy her dinner in addition to drinks, on the first date. It makes me wonder if guys are getting their ideas about dating from old Cary Grant movies, or something. Or do they feel the need to make a good impression on the first date? Display themselves as having the means to buy dinner for their first dates? Is buying dinner their way of showing their plumage?
I think some men want to have dinner dates for the reasons you suggest. I also think that some men think the cost of a meal will pay for some action, if not on the first date, then certainly on the second (they usually assume there will be another date). In their minds, it seems, paying the restaurant bill is an "investment" of sorts with quick ROE.
All of this is why I do my best to either avoid dinner "dates," or to excuse myself from the table to go quietly ask the server for separate checks. The guy is usually surprised to see two checks arrive at the end of the meal, but the good news is that he doesn't have to pay for me, and I, in turn, am not given an IOU.
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