What’s Going On In This Marriage? (wife, women, love)
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I pulled this from another group (it’s not an article, but it is true) and wanted to see what people think. I believe there’s a broader age range here on C-D and a healthy mix of men and women (as opposed to mostly women where this is from). There also seems to be more marriage experience here as well. This woman is someone I know online, but not IRL.
For the past year or so, a woman has went through a number of unexpected experiences: health problems and hospitalization, lost 2 close family members to tragedy, and losing her job. With so much, she’s been struggling mentally to pull it together and feeling alone and hopeless. It’s rough because she has always been the intelligent one, adventurous, resourceful, always figuring things out. This isn’t the first time she’s been through problems; she has always pulled through. Maybe with so much happening at once, and whatever else is going on in her life, she has simply hit her breaking point.
She has gone to therapy for a bit, but she also has to be mindful of her limited funds. Her other health concerns have to be paid for also. She seems aware that she needs to go because she realizes that she’s not bouncing back. Her and the therapist talked about grief, depression, and anxiety. She says for the times she went, it did help, but she’s still unemployed and not sure how she’s going to pay her bills. She’s only recently “woken up enough” to start looking again. Though she’s still sad and feels she’s alone, she is slowly pulling it back together. She is taking on the “mantle of loneliness to get through her bad decisions” - I’m not sure what this means, but maybe it’s something she has discovered after some self reflection or maybe she is blaming herself. She definitely has not pointed the finger at anyone but herself, maybe beating herself up a bit.
With all that said, it came out that she is married. For the past 18 years. When asked if her husband helps her any, either with emotional or financial support, she said no. She feels like can’t talk to him and he doesn’t ask about how she is doing. She says he tends to be critical of her, points out when she does things wrong, never gives her compliments or praise, doesn’t touch her or kiss her, and never says he loves her. They do have sex though. Over time, she’s learned not to talk to him about anything beyond the superficial and such. He doesn’t even know she was going to therapy. Her knows about some of her medical tests and follow-ups, but he never once offered to go with her and she never asked. She says she’s trying to stand on her own.
He seems like a responsible person. Goes to work, comes home. He pays the mortgage (she’s just on title), his car note, and all of his bills. They don’t have anything joint. She pays her bills and all utilities except one. The husband has his friends. She has one friend whom she enjoys talking to, but he’s a guy so she feels uncomfortable talking to him too much, though he seems to understand her. The rest she’s simply lost touch with over the years for one reason or another. Husband and wife don’t have many friends in common. Very, very few. They don’t have children together. He was married before and has 2 with the previous spouse. He was her first marriage. The stepchildren accept her, but they never developed a bond. Outside of a few distant cousins, most of her family lives in other states. She isn’t close with the in-laws either.
She feels like she’s merely existing (not even co-existing) with someone who has one life while she has is experiencing another. She says she breathes better when he’s not around. She is thinking divorce, but no job, no where to go, and facing a lot of debt. She insists that he’s not a bad person. The marriage just isn’t what she thinks a marriage should be. She also thinks that maybe some of it could be her own issues (not sure what that means or if again, she is being hard on herself/taking the blame).
What’s going on here? What would be your advice here? This woman is clearly going through a lot and is a nice person as far as I can tell. She isn’t spiteful or snarky towards people, very kind. It was a shock when she revealed all of this. We were aware of the family deaths, but not the rest.
I just find it so odd how in a marriage, one person can seem to be going through a lot and everything is great for the spouse. It’s like roommates or something. How can a person see all of that happening with their spouse and not... care?? Is that really a marriage? Men, what’s going on with the husband? Doesn’t seem like he’s cheating. Is this some emotional unavailability mess?
How would we know? We have no way of finding out more information, because it's not even your issue or a friend of yours' issue; it's some stranger's issue pulled from another internet site.
I feel like there are some important part of her life not being reveal, such as the type of personality she has and her expectation of others. Is really hard to judge someone unless you know their whole life story, which is literally impossible.
Sometime the best we can do is be there for her and support her. Chances is that only she knows where the problem might be. If she can't figure it out, others won't be able to figure it out for her.
Every marriage is different, and everyone is different. Is hard to guide someone in life in terms of what they should or shouldn't do because they are grown up just like you and me.
I am not surprise that one person in a marriage suck up with all the difficulty and endure all kind of mental and physical abuse while the other one simply enjoy the good life. However, nothing last forever.
I pulled this from another group (it’s not an article, but it is true) and wanted to see what people think. I believe there’s a broader age range here on C-D and a healthy mix of men and women (as opposed to mostly women where this is from). There also seems to be more marriage experience here as well. This woman is someone I know online, but not IRL.
For the past year or so, a woman has went through a number of unexpected experiences: health problems and hospitalization, lost 2 close family members to tragedy, and losing her job. With so much, she’s been struggling mentally to pull it together and feeling alone and hopeless. It’s rough because she has always been the intelligent one, adventurous, resourceful, always figuring things out. This isn’t the first time she’s been through problems; she has always pulled through. Maybe with so much happening at once, and whatever else is going on in her life, she has simply hit her breaking point.
She has gone to therapy for a bit, but she also has to be mindful of her limited funds. Her other health concerns have to be paid for also. She seems aware that she needs to go because she realizes that she’s not bouncing back. Her and the therapist talked about grief, depression, and anxiety. She says for the times she went, it did help, but she’s still unemployed and not sure how she’s going to pay her bills. She’s only recently “woken up enough” to start looking again. Though she’s still sad and feels she’s alone, she is slowly pulling it back together. She is taking on the “mantle of loneliness to get through her bad decisions” - I’m not sure what this means, but maybe it’s something she has discovered after some self reflection or maybe she is blaming herself. She definitely has not pointed the finger at anyone but herself, maybe beating herself up a bit.
With all that said, it came out that she is married. For the past 18 years. When asked if her husband helps her any, either with emotional or financial support, she said no. She feels like can’t talk to him and he doesn’t ask about how she is doing. She says he tends to be critical of her, points out when she does things wrong, never gives her compliments or praise, doesn’t touch her or kiss her, and never says he loves her. Over time, she’s learned not to talk to him about anything beyond the superficial and such. He doesn’t even know she was going to therapy. Her knows about some of her medical tests and follow-ups, but he never once offered to go with her and she never asked. She says she’s trying to stand on her own.
He seems like a responsible person. Goes to work, comes home. He pays the mortgage (she’s just on title), his car note, and all of his bills. They don’t have anything joint. She pays her bills and all utilities except one. The husband has his friends. She has one friend whom she enjoys talking to, but he’s a guy so she feels uncomfortable talking to him too much, though he seems to understand her. The rest she’s simply lost touch with over the years for one reason or another. Husband and wife don’t have many friends in common. Very, very few. They don’t have children together. He was married before and has 2 with the previous spouse. He was her first marriage. The stepchildren accept her, but they never developed a bond. Outside of a few distant cousins, most of her family lives in other states. She isn’t close with the in-laws either.
She feels like she’s merely existing (not even co-existing) with someone who has one life while she has is experiencing another. She says she breathes better when he’s not around. She is thinking divorce, but no job, no where to go, and facing a lot of debt. She insists that he’s not a bad person. The marriage just isn’t what she thinks a marriage should be. She also thinks that maybe some of it could be her own issues (not sure what that means or if again, she is being hard on herself/taking the blame).
What’s going on here? What would be your advice here? This woman is clearly going through a lot and is a nice person as far as I can tell. She isn’t spiteful or snarky towards people, very kind. It was a shock when she revealed all of this. We were aware of the family deaths, but not the rest.
I just find it so odd how in a marriage, one person can seem to be going through a lot and everything is great for the spouse. It’s like roommates or something. How can a person see all of that happening with their spouse and not... care?? Is that really a marriage? Men, what’s going on with the husband? Doesn’t seem like he’s cheating. Is this some emotional unavailability mess?
It seems the couple has lost touch years ago, this did not just happen. Everyone lives separate lives, and they wanted it like that - because they did not even bother having a joint account.
"Men, what is going on with the husband?" - seems more like "what's going on with the wife?". The husband has friends. The wife has no friends and wasn't able to bond with her stepchildren - to me it seems the wife is not big in communicating or socializing, while the husband is more social. You reap what you sow - that's why she is now alone. Sad but it is what it is.
And about the husband not supporting her financially - he provides a roof over her head and she is on the title despite not contributing to the mortgage. So, he IS supporting her.
How would we know? We have no way of finding out more information, because it's not even your issue or a friend of yours' issue; it's some stranger's issue pulled from another internet site.
Well, I’ve seen enough posts to where people give all kinds of advice to a stranger with the information given. I don’t believe everyone knows everyone here - or maybe you all do. I tried to summarize as much as I could and still ended up with a short story, but if it’s not helpful to you then, okay.
I just care because while she isn’t a friend IRL, she’s someone I know enough about to feel compassion for what she’s going through.
It seems the couple has lost touch years ago, this did not just happen. Everyone lives separate lives, and they wanted it like that - because they did not even bother having a joint account.
"Men, what is going on with the husband?" - seems more like "what's going on with the wife?". The husband has friends. The wife has no friends and wasn't able to bond with her stepchildren - to me it seems the wife is not big in communicating or socializing, while the husband is more social. You reap what you sow - that's why she is now alone. Sad but it is what it is.
And about the husband not supporting her financially - he provides a roof over her head and she is on the title despite not contributing to the mortgage. So, he IS supporting her.
I can agree on the first part.
The wife never bonded with the stepchildren because the first wife made sure that the children never saw her as someone to bond with. Plus they moved away for a while at some point when the first wife married someone else, I believe. The children are older now so it’s better.
On the third, she was very social before everything happened. Volunteer, professional organizations, traveling, etc. The husband is actually a homebody. He just has co-workers and a couple of college friends he’s stayed in touch with. Maybe this is a part of what she’s going through that she has shut down, so to speak. She’s still online though she did disappear for a bit.
All that said, I can see what you’re saying about the financial part. I was more thinking about the emotional aspect. He seems distant from her in that regard.
Something needs to be shaken up, rock the boat, something. Some kind of intervention. It's amazing what people are willing to put up with. I wish I had better advice.
This looks like a death spiral, but it MAY not be too late.
Something in her earlier life trained her to live with not having her emotional needs met. She has no idea that she has the right--or the value--to receive love and support from her husband. She may even have taken it upon herself that his behavior toward her is the result of something that is wrong with her or something that she does.
While my circumstances were different, when I was married I could not understand for the life of me what I was doing wrong that I couldn't get my husband to care about me or to see how badly I was hurting. I spent hours trying to think how I could express myself in a way that he would understand how I felt, because clearly I was not doing or saying it correctly.
The error was in thinking that there WAS some way I could get through to him, when the reality was that he just didn't love me and in fact was not capable of loving me. He did not see me as someone to care for, but rather as someone of use to him.
Yes, we had sex, too, but I was always secretly perplexed by people who connected sex with love, because I could not see what one had to do with the other. To me, sex seemed to be an act where you were more disconnected from your partner than at any other time, probably because I had to detach and disconnect myself from my feelings about our emotional emptiness in order to gain some enjoyment from it.
She deserves better, or at least not to just be a thing instead of a person. She just doesn't have any real concept of that emotionally because she has never experienced it.
Something in her earlier life trained her to live with not having her emotional needs met. She has no idea that she has the right--or the value--to receive love and support from her husband. She may even have taken it upon herself that his behavior toward her is the result of something that is wrong with her or something that she does.
This!
Its time for her to take back her life. It's time for her to love herself and give to herself. She has been there for everyone, now she needs to attend to her own needs. If she were my friend I would tell her to pack up, leave the husband, find a little apartment near a beach or someplace she has always wanted to live and LIVE. Start fresh. Create a whole new life. Realize that horrible things happen but it does not need to define us. At any moment we can change our entire life and sometimes we need to do just that because we have a right to be happy and be fulfilled. Nobody is going to do it for us. Good luck with your friend, I hope it gets better for her.
Something in her earlier life trained her to live with not having her emotional needs met. She has no idea that she has the right--or the value--to receive love and support from her husband. She may even have taken it upon herself that his behavior toward her is the result of something that is wrong with her or something that she does.
While my circumstances were different, when I was married I could not understand for the life of me what I was doing wrong that I couldn't get my husband to care about me or to see how badly I was hurting. I spent hours trying to think how I could express myself in a way that he would understand how I felt, because clearly I was not doing or saying it correctly.
The error was in thinking that there WAS some way I could get through to him, when the reality was that he just didn't love me and in fact was not capable of loving me. He did not see me as someone to care for, but rather as someone of use to him.
Yes, we had sex, too, but I was always secretly perplexed by people who connected sex with love, because I could not see what one had to do with the other. To me, sex seemed to be an act where you were more disconnected from your partner than at any other time, probably because I had to detach and disconnect myself from my feelings about our emotional emptiness in order to gain some enjoyment from it.
She deserves better, or at least not to just be a thing instead of a person. She just doesn't have any real concept of that emotionally because she has never experienced it.
Yes. You know I went through similar things, though there was a lot of other bad stuff I won't get into here. This ain't about me, and I don't want to project, but it would be very easy to do.
So first off, she is depressed. When you're depressed, you feel like all the weight of unhappiness is dragging you down, and it's easier to just turn away from it than to do anything to make things better. That's what a depressive episode is like. I'm not saying she "has" depression, but I'm saying in this situation, she's probably suffering from it. What sucks about this, is you desperately will want someone to reach out, extend some caring, and help you hobble out of the darkness, yet you're usually so isolated that there's no one who will. Doing it yourself, which you often must, is sometimes the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Harder even than conquering some of the real life logistical challenges that seem impossible, getting your own head functional enough to even try, all on your own, with no support.
I suggest she engage in self care, starting with little things. A bit of exercise in the sun. Positive, uplifting music. Then, social support. Whether that looks (for her) like a church, a volunteer organization, a pool team or a weekly game night at a local game shop, or whatever...she needs to sometimes go out of the house and build some connections for herself. Definitely connections BESIDES the "one supportive male friend she feels unsure of" because he is poised to take advantage of her emotional vulnerability and drag her into a cheating situation potentially, and that is the last thing she needs. (I do believe men & women can be friends, but this set-up is potentially dangerous...unhappy marriage, one guy who is her only friend to turn to...all that.) Cheating would make everything worse, not better, here, for her.
And she needs a job. She needs to start working and saving up and getting herself financially healthy. I do suspect that her marriage is pointed in the direction of an ending, but I think she should be careful and smart about it, because poverty is not to be undertaken lightly. If they aren't fighting and hating each other, just kind of distant, well you can cope with that if you're able to find social support elsewhere. I would ask her if the husband has any objections to her getting out and meeting people and making friends. I assume that he was not the one isolating her, that she just allowed it to go that direction on her own. If he had a hand in it, that changes things somewhat.
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