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I am struck by how dishonest you're being to sit there and listen to him when you are at the point where you can't stomach him talking to you. That is not doing either one of you any favors. Why would you be so dishonest? What is the payoff, you never said (only that you don't want to be alone - if your fear of being alone permeates your every waking moment, then get some assistance from a therapist to work through that trauma - or try EFT - free on YouTube and "tap it out").
Really, you have to do something different - I would start with honesty and tell your husband how you truly feel. If he gets "mad," so what? Go do something that nurtures you. Get a mani-pedi, go for a walk, go to a movie, whatever. His getting mad at you should not be your motivation to completely sell out and sit there and listen to him when it is the last thing on earth you want to do.
I hope you can break out of this unhealthy pattern.
Why don't you just get a divorce??Regardless of having children and worrying about the cost....just DO IT!!! Being miserable will cost you a lot MORE then you realize!! He doesn't appreciate you and just using you as a sounding board for his day.Also since he doesn't sound like someone would go to counseling...move forward and get away from this negative man.
Yes, he gets very hostile and defensive. Blames me for it saying that "I asked" (because I usually greet him when he comes home, duh, with something like, Hi honey how was your day?) It is a simple greeting, not something that I intend to last for 6+ Hours.
Change your greeting.
How about with the meal was already cooked, left in the oven on warm. Serve him a martini with you in your birthday suit?
Start a new routine. After dinner, you get up and go for a walk. Or yoga class, or the library...whatever. Sounds like both of you need a diversion and a shake up in the monotony.
Good plan.
IMHO, do NOT ask him about his day. Just say "Hello", or start telling him about your day.
If this is hard, start by leaving just two evenings a week, to do fun things by yourself. And, go to bed at your regular time, even if Hubby is only at 10 AM in his "daily recitation" and wants to spend another three or four hours talking AT you (not with you, AT you).
I am sitting here at the kitchen table knowing that in about an hour my husband will be home from work. I dread it.
He will come home and then for HOURS I will hear about every single thing, even in the most minute detail, that happened that day.
Every conversation, every event. How long someone was gone to the bathroom. For hours. LITERALLY. I am not joking. FOR HOURS. Even worse, tomorrow morning, before I have had my first sip of coffee he will start it all over again. And I will hear for a second time, everything that happened.
Of course, he never asks me how my day went. Except to interrogate me about my whereabouts. Never. It's always about him, his thoughts, his feelings, his ideas. HIS INJUSTICES. (everyone he works with is an arsehole,you know). I dread every single day.
If I tell him I want to talk about something else other than his day, his job, his experiences, his opinions about EVERYTHING. He immediately gives me the silent treatment and will not talk to me for the rest of the night. Even ignoring my attempts to communicate. Even if I ask questions.
I really cannot stand my life.
I would hate my life as well if I found myself married to a person like this!
This lifestyle will suck your soul dry and ruin who you are! RUN as fast as you can and detach yourself from his world!
I do not do well alone. He is better than nothing. But it does not make for a happy life.
OMG you sound just like my brother who is in a very sick toxic marriage.
Some other poster on here was in a sick toxic marriage and finally found a book called Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen that helped her figure out why she stayed in this type of relationship for so long.
Perhaps you should read that book?
I bought it for my brother and will send it to his job since I can't send it to his house due to his sick controlling wife who would open it and destroy it.
I am sitting here at the kitchen table knowing that in about an hour my husband will be home from work. I dread it.
He will come home and then for HOURS I will hear about every single thing, even in the most minute detail, that happened that day.
Every conversation, every event. How long someone was gone to the bathroom. For hours. LITERALLY. I am not joking. FOR HOURS. Even worse, tomorrow morning, before I have had my first sip of coffee he will start it all over again. And I will hear for a second time, everything that happened.
Of course, he never asks me how my day went. Except to interrogate me about my whereabouts. Never. It's always about him, his thoughts, his feelings, his ideas. HIS INJUSTICES. (everyone he works with is an arsehole,you know). I dread every single day.
If I tell him I want to talk about something else other than his day, his job, his experiences, his opinions about EVERYTHING. He immediately gives me the silent treatment and will not talk to me for the rest of the night. Even ignoring my attempts to communicate. Even if I ask questions.
I really cannot stand my life.
Wow, he sounds just like my ex-husband. Yes, I waved the white flag and divorced him. I'd had enough.
This is, and has been my life 24/7 for the past 22 years.
I would seek help if I were you to find out why you have allowed yourself to remain married to a person like the one you've described.
It's not normal to remain in a relationship with someone who's not mentally stimulating and who interrogates you about your whereabouts or who makes you hate your life.
Co-dependency's a b**ch to overcome when you've been immersed in it for 22 years!
I think that is a really great metaphor for the process, hom, and not to wear it out, but I think the biggest hindrance for people who are in these types of harmful relationships is that they just keep trying to tread water because right now they can't SEE the shore.
But their choices are to wear out and drown, or to go for a safety they can't see yet.
If the OP could just get ahold of one mental image of a life all her own that she really wants, she could be properly motivated to start swimming.
I agree. This kind of stuckness, whether it's on a job, in a relationship, or a health or fitness issue, isn't escaped by an act of will so much as a leap of faith. But not back into the water
Seriously, though, you seem depressed 20, and depression dims your imagination. More than anything you need to be able to imagine a better future.
Last edited by homina12; 05-16-2018 at 08:21 AM..
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