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I don't really think anyone is being antagonistic, we're just sharing our opinions. I think the point we're trying to make is accepting your partner for who they are. Warts and all, if the OP had a problem with his spending habits, drinking, how much he played golf, doesn't like his baby momma, the the list goes on. Personally my response would've been the same. In my opinion, that is what this post is about, the issue of smoking is irrevelant as there are many issues that have the potential for ruining relationships, smoking is but one.
I know that people grow and change in relationships but it's not fair to try to force someone else to change just because you've made this miraculous discovery. Married or not, you can't change anyone else. This is even true for your own children, in the end you have to accept them for who they are. No relationship is perfect that's why it's important to take your time and get to really know the person. Too many people enter relationships thinking things will "change" once they're married and I think its unfair to say "I Do" but you're really thinking "I do, but you're going to have to change ( fill in the blank ). If the OP has changed her mind and decided that she's no longer comfortable with the fact that he smokes, that's her prerogative. No one disputes that, does she have the right to voice her opinion about it, yes absolutely. Can she force him to quit, no. If she tries to push this issue and he becomes defensive, starts to wonder why all of a sudden this is an issue, wonders why she's trying to "change" him and becomes resentful. The chances of them living happily ever after together become much "slimmer" anyway. Especially when you consider the divorce rate is 50%. You have to choose your battles in relationships wisely. Only she can decide if this issue is worth it.
This whole treatise makes no distinction between innate character traits and habits. You'd think the woman is asking her husband to undergo a complete personality transplant or something. She's not. She's asking him to give up a completely useless (yet rather destructive) habit and doing so won't change the person he is. Smoking is not part of one's innate character. To say that she should have to put up with it forever in silence because he was a smoker when they first got married is rubbish on stilts. I hope you aren't that inflexible in your own personal relationships. I wouldn't put up with it in my spouse and I don't expect her to put up with it in me either.
This whole treatise makes no distinction between innate character traits and habits. You'd think the woman is asking her husband to undergo a complete personality transplant or something. She's not. She's asking him to give up a completely useless (yet rather destructive) habit and doing so won't change the person he is. Smoking is not part of one's innate character. To say that she should have to put up with it forever in silence because he was a smoker when they first got married is rubbish on stilts. I hope you aren't that inflexible in your own personal relationships. I wouldn't put up with it in my spouse and I don't expect her to put up with it in me either.
So since you're so clearly against smoking, it's fair to assume that if your spouse smoked while you were dating, you wouldn't have married them? That would actually be my point. You wouldn't have married your SO and THEN demanded that they quit smoking. We all have our non-negotiables, smoking is yours. It's great you knew that smoking was one of yours before marriage.
I don't think I'm inflexible, I'm actually quite non judgemental and think that people should always be who they are. If I met someone who had a habit that I didn't like, I'd have to decide if that's something that I can live with. I would expect him to do the same, just don't spring any surprises after we get married. Also some habits can be big deal breakers.
So since you're so clearly against smoking, it's fair to assume that if your spouse smoked while you were dating, you wouldn't have married them? That would actually be my point. You wouldn't have married your SO and THEN demanded that they quit smoking. We all have our non-negotiables, smoking is yours. It's great you knew that smoking was one of yours before marriage.
You sure do assume an awful lot about me and what my non-negotiables are now or when I got married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyinLa
If I met someone who had a habit that I didn't like, I'd have to decide if that's something that I can live with. I would expect him to do the same, just don't spring any surprises after we get married. Also some habits can be big deal breakers.
Did it not occur to you that one's tolerance for a habit could possibly change over time?
You shouldn't have married him. At this point in my life, cigarette smoking is a big deal breaker for me.
Yeah, I feel the same way. If a girl can't stand my smoking, I just "next" her and move on. That's one of the MANY reasons why I like smoking, it kind of acts like a moron pop-up blocker.
Some people on this thread need to get a life and leave us smokers alone. I think some posters should get another hobby besides being a nuisance. I'm sorry that you're miserable, but we aren't.
This whole treatise makes no distinction between innate character traits and habits. You'd think the woman is asking her husband to undergo a complete personality transplant or something. She's not. She's asking him to give up a completely useless (yet rather destructive) habit and doing so won't change the person he is. Smoking is not part of one's innate character. To say that she should have to put up with it forever in silence because he was a smoker when they first got married is rubbish on stilts. I hope you aren't that inflexible in your own personal relationships. I wouldn't put up with it in my spouse and I don't expect her to put up with it in me either.
My parents smoke and they've never been able to break the habit. I've never smoked cigarettes. My exhusband smoked. My boyfriend after that smoked. The older I got, the more being around smokers bothered me as it being a dirty, unhealthy, stupid and expensive habit to have. And I know how hard it is to quit smoking. My exboyfriend tried to stop smoking but couldn't. So... about 10 years ago, while still dating that exboyfriend, I promised myself never again. His smoking wasn't the only reason I broke up with him.
Also, over the years, I stopped enjoying the company of people who drink alcohol regularly. I think it's part of getting wiser and wanting to live a long and healthy life.
There are enough men to date and marry out there without me having to compromise on my man being a drinker and a smoker. I would never rush into a marriage with anyone just because I felt madly in love with him. Those first crush feelings are just sexual infatuation and not anything to do with real true love. Strong feelings of infatuation is what masks potential relationship problems. I'm not marrying anyone until I am sure I feel real love for him and he is the man that I believe him to be. I also would want to make sure that my man is really in love with me and I am not just some passing fancy to him. If only more people would use commonsense before getting married! Don't just blindly follow your feelings of lust.
Anyway, the O.P. chose to marry Mr. Ashtray Mouth. And she should more graciously accept the possibility that he may never quit smoking cigarettes completely. Some people are weaker than others when it comes to their addictions. If his job is at all stressful, or if he works or is friends with smokers, those are all factors that make it more difficult to quit.
She could also send him a link to this thread so that he realized that she hates kissing him and thinks he tastes like an ashtray...
Anyway, the O.P. chose to marry Mr. Ashtray Mouth. And she should more graciously accept the possibility that he may never quit smoking cigarettes completely. Some people are weaker than others when it comes to their addictions. If his job is at all stressful, or if he works or is friends with smokers, those are all factors that make it more difficult to quit.
That's all well and good but there are people here suggesting that she has no right to ask it of him at all. She may ask and not receive for any number of reasons, including the difficulty of quitting; and you're right, she needs to accept the possibility that he cannot or will not do it. But I flatly reject the proposition that she has to quietly accept his smoking forever just because she accepted it in the past.
Sure, her husband needs to know that she hates his smoking. But to succeed in quitting, it has to be totally when he is ready, not because he is trying to please her. It just doesn't work that way. And the more he fails at quitting, the more difficult it will be for him to succeed psychologically. He will start to feel that the addiction is too strong for him to break.
Then that's pretty selfish of him if he won't quit despite his wife's pleading/begging him to.
Some cigarette smokers just don't think that their habit is obnoxious or harmful to others. Look at the initial huge resistance to the restaurant and bar smoking bans in various states. Plus the O.P. had no problems dating and then marrying this cigarette smoking guy, it's not as if he ever tried to hide his habit from her. And it doesn't sound like he ever told her during their courtship that he was trying hard to quit.
It's like if I married a party animal and then a few years later, I told him that his partying habits upset me. I've seen enough of life that most cigarette smokers never quit, not even when smoking is threatening their health in a serious way. And I've also known people that were heavy drinkers all of their lives.
My parents have never been able to quit smoking. And my boyfriend needs to trim his weight down. They all know what's best for their health, they don't need me to nag them to take some action about it. With my boyfriend, I can silently just make better food choices better for him and that's reflected in my grocery shopping and cooking. On his own, he does go out for long bicycle rides. And if he never loses the excess weight, then I can accept that. The amount of love I have for him will not change whether he loses the weight or not. Or rather, I will not love him more if he becomes skinnier. I just love and accept him the way he is.
Then that's pretty selfish of him if he won't quit despite his wife's pleading/begging him to.
So if you marry somebody and later on she decides she resents all the time you waste in the gym and asks you not to go, you unselfishly will quit going?
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