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OP
Hard lesson. The trouble you find yourself in is a classic pattern in human history. Even though you know better and intuit red flags you ignore the signs and want to believe its not going to happen to you. Your personal need for male approval makes you vulnerable to these plots. The classic trap is a man who makes you feel sorry for him, makes great sex with you, and manipulates you into thinking you are the real true love so he can have some on the side regardless of how you will hurt. There is the potential for these type of men who do not honor women to do the same to you as they did to their wives. I know it hurts really really bad. I have felt it before too and now know enough to let it go.
OP, I strongly suggest that you attend some Al-Anon meetings for a few weeks (for partners/parents/siblings/friends of alcoholics). They are free and generally meet in a local church or civic building. I think you'll learn a lot about yourself.
Thank you for being polite and considerate. I appreciate it. I am trying to let it all go, it’s really difficult for me . I have put every single ounce of my love , passion and desire to be with that man . And as many are blaming me for not leaving my husband and demanding him to leave his gf , I can say that I was definitely willing to leave my husband and build my life with him but only if I knew that my lover left her ( at least that he doesn’t share the same space with her) and yes I was going to stay with my husband as long as possible helping him out until time is right , telling him that I am moving in with another man and he is going to take care of himself from now on .
It's sad, because in a way you were both using each other to escape your own "painful realities" (which is what Pia Mellody explains co-dependence as - an antiquated concept, but I think this sound bite is relevant).
You need to deal with your alcoholic husband. If that means divorcing him and going out on your own, that's what you need to do.
Leave this "soul mate" alone - what you are doing NOW - is highly unethical. He has made a choice to be with the mother of his children and his children. Respect that, as much as you hate it. He has a COMMITMENT elsewhere (even though not a marriage).
Miscommunications don't happen out-of-the-blue. He saw your true colors and though he might *love* you, it sounds like he has determined that a relationship with you is not what he wants or needs.
This is going to be tough, but you need to totally let him go. Have some self-respect. Don't grovel.
Find a therapist and begin healing and leave your husband (he is holding you hostage with his threats of being in a ditch if you leave).
I can say that I was definitely willing to leave my husband and build my life with him but only if I knew that my lover left her ( at least that he doesn’t share the same space with her)
This is the crux of the problem. Had you never met this guy, you'd waste your life staying with a raging alcoholic. It sounds like everything you do is dependent on someone else. You need to get over that.
Ditch the husband. Tell him you are not his mother and whether he ends up in a ditch is his decision and has nothing to do with you. That sounds harsh, but addicts need to hit rock bottom all the way before they will consider any kind of change. You sticking around keeping him safe and warm is doing more harm than good.
You’re in a mess that seems complicated but isn’t.
It just has to be broken down into very simple steps. It won’t be easy, but you can’t keep living in the hell you’ve created.
1) Stop talking to the other man. You do have to clean up your house first. You’ve been using him as a crutch, but you’ll never be able to get out of your current situation if you keep having the affair.
2) Prepare to leave your husband. He’s holding you hostage with his threats, and that’s not love.
You really need therapy. Is that possible?
You’ve learned some very bad habits since you’ve been with this guy since you were so young. You need professional help to learn how to love or else you will be handicapped in any other relationship you try.
Why do you have such low self-esteem that you don't think you are worthy of a happy, healthy life with a good, decent man? You stick with an alcoholic who uses self-harm as threats. You "fall in love" with a man who is in a very complicated situation. You don't want a happy, normal relationship because deep down in your heart you don't believe you deserve it. When you were a child, who did this to you?
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