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I didn’t know how best to ask for your advice; here’s the situation. I’ve been dating a great guy for 10 months. I’m 58, he’s 60. He has a busy life, and a lot of family duties seem to fall to him. He’s got 2 sisters and a brother. He is very messy and unorganized. He doesn’t have a calendar, or make lists, or write things down. His house needs a lot of handyman/ construction work, and a good cleaning.
I don’t live there, so I don’t feel I can ask him to hire some help. I keep offering him my help with organizing or whatever. I’m not a perfectionist, but I don’t like the conditions there. I’ve told him this. Where I work, we need to arrange for vacation months in advance. I had to give back my time because he didn’t plan his schedule in time.
He wants to build a relationship, and wants me to come over more often. I’d like that too, but I’ve mentioned he may need to hire a cleaning person. Anyway, I don’t want to nag; whenever I’m there we do some decluttering, toss old stuff from the fridge, laundry etc....I think his whole family is like this, as far as hanging on to things, and being kind of scattered (ADD?). Any thoughts on how I can cope? Thank you.
I didn’t know how best to ask for your advice; here’s the situation. I’ve been dating a great guy for 10 months. I’m 58, he’s 60. He has a busy life, and a lot of family duties seem to fall to him. He’s got 2 sisters and a brother. He is very messy and unorganized. He doesn’t have a calendar, or make lists, or write things down. His house needs a lot of handyman/ construction work, and a good cleaning.
I don’t live there, so I don’t feel I can ask him to hire some help. I keep offering him my help with organizing or whatever. I’m not a perfectionist, but I don’t like the conditions there. I’ve told him this. Where I work, we need to arrange for vacation months in advance. I had to give back my time because he didn’t plan his schedule in time.
He wants to build a relationship, and wants me to come over more often. I’d like that too, but I’ve mentioned he may need to hire a cleaning person. Anyway, I don’t want to nag; whenever I’m there we do some decluttering, toss old stuff from the fridge, laundry etc....I think his whole family is like this, as far as hanging on to things, and being kind of scattered (ADD?). Any thoughts on how I can cope? Thank you.
Is this the same guy as before, dixie? Isn't he a dentist or something? They tend to be pretty fastidious.
How does he react when you say you say it bothers you?
Also, you know that in the event you ever combine households, these habits will be there in your face every day.
Yes Birdie, he's the Dentist. His office is a disaster too. I'm a Nurse, and it doesn't look clean. He has Office People and Hygenists (sp?) and Assistants? His staff manage themselves, from what I gather.
I thought I would just keep my house and stay over there a few times a week; right now it's 1-2 times. I guess, major changes would have to take place if I moved in permanently.
I know that he won't change; I'm just wondering how I can cope with the this situation. I can't imagine letting this be a deal breaker?
I didn’t know how best to ask for your advice; here’s the situation. I’ve been dating a great guy for 10 months. I’m 58, he’s 60. He has a busy life, and a lot of family duties seem to fall to him. He’s got 2 sisters and a brother. He is very messy and unorganized. He doesn’t have a calendar, or make lists, or write things down. His house needs a lot of handyman/ construction work, and a good cleaning.
I don’t live there, so I don’t feel I can ask him to hire some help. I keep offering him my help with organizing or whatever. I’m not a perfectionist, but I don’t like the conditions there. I’ve told him this. Where I work, we need to arrange for vacation months in advance. I had to give back my time because he didn’t plan his schedule in time.
He wants to build a relationship, and wants me to come over more often. I’d like that too, but I’ve mentioned he may need to hire a cleaning person. Anyway, I don’t want to nag; whenever I’m there we do some decluttering, toss old stuff from the fridge, laundry etc....I think his whole family is like this, as far as hanging on to things, and being kind of scattered (ADD?). Any thoughts on how I can cope? Thank you.
He is going to bring more chaos into your life than you are going to bring order into his. He is a grown man and you are not his mommy. He is living the way he wants to live—otherwise he would change it on his own. Try to find a different project.
Well, that's up to you. I think this is a pretty good way to look at it:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gusano
He is going to bring more chaos into your life than you are going to bring order into his. He is a grown man and you are not his mommy. He is living the way he wants to live—otherwise he would change it on his own. Try to find a different project.
You have already made a LOT of concessions to date this guy, some that to me would have been no-nos. This could be another challenge for you, and at some point you have to decide how much is too much.
How to cope? Well, the first place to start is to resist the urge to characterize the way he lives as bad and your way as good. For the sake of this relationship, they are merely different.
I mean, yeah, if things are dirty then technically that's bad because it can harm you. But what you want to keep in mind here is that he is 60 and not at all likely to change. So you have to decide what you CAN live with.
I know that he won't change; I'm just wondering how I can cope with the this situation. I can't imagine letting this be a deal breaker?
One of the rules of relationships: you can't change somebody if they don't want to change. Whatever they are when you met them, that's what you get.
You can cope with it by not living with him, and put up with the mess his life is whichever way you can. Just ignore it and be glad you don't live there.
It's only a deal breaker if you want it to be a deal breaker. Whatever you do, understand that if you move in some day in the future, that is your new life unless you take on the responsibility to organize the house.
Thanks for the feedback, and websites. Funny, I had seen the one from Today. He agrees with me, and respects my feelings about the situation. He usually straightens up before I get there. We're a team; there is no right/wrong just different ways of living. I sure don't want to be his mommy; I'm pretty aware of the way I talk to him, and I respect his space and ask before I try to organize.
He's way past the age of giving a damn what others think of his habits. How he conducts his household suits him fine. If he wanted clean and organized, he'd do it or hire someone to do it.
I see this going a few possible ways: give him an ultimatum - either clean up or its finished. He will probably resent you if you do this. You can tell him that you'll do it all yourself - either he'll say go for it, or hell no. If you end up cleaning his place, he won't likely help much because he sees no value in keeping a tidy home. What's worse, though, is even if you spent three solid weeks turning his house into a tidy, clean place, it will revert to his accustomed condition in a matter of months, possibly weeks. And that all makes you resent him.
I just don't see this working out well, any way you slice it. This is why my mantra is I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't share my values and is compatible with me. Living alone in peace to my taste far outweighs living with someone whose presence, habits and mannerisms I find abrasive.
A middle of the road solution would be that you not see him at his house. Meet at your place or a hotel, skip the rat's nest. That's all I can think of at this point.
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