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Yet, I still don' t think porn and stuff like that are needed to have a happy life.
That's your opinion, and I don't think anyone here has said it's needed to have a happy life anyway.
It will be good to talk to your therapist to sort out the stuff from your past that makes you feel this anxiety about porn. I get it, but I can see that the level of opposition you have is not healthy at all.
I am a person, too. I notice people, as well. I am not blind and I don't expect him to be, but I don't start masturbating to that. As everybody suggests, I will see my therapist this week. Yet, I still don' t think porn and stuff like that are needed to have a happy life.
My personal opinion/advice to you?
You are seriously fortunate to have a partner who clearly adores you and wants you to be happy, more even than he wants to defend his right to use porn and masturbate (which I think a LOT of men would resist this and find it controlling and argue with you about it.) Remember that.
No, porn is not NEEDED by anyone/everyone to have a happy life. I know men who are completely opposed to it, in fact (they are few, but exist.) Many, many people feel that it is an enhancement to their lives. Many feel that it is not morally wrong. Your feelings are absolutely valid, and you have ever right to feel them. However. We all need to be very, very careful about trying to dictate morality and rules to our partners, based on our feelings. Especially when you know very well that the root of this issue is in your own past.
If your boyfriend had a past wife who cheated with a man she worked with, so he insisted you could not work, or couldn't work in a place that employed men, would that be ok? Of course not. He might have triggered insecurities and fears and bad feelings when you come home and tell him a joke that Bob in Accounting told in the lunch room today, he might feel driven to demand "Who is Bob and are you sleeping with him?" but that would be...inappropriate, to say the least. Right?
I can tell, too, that you do not want to be a controlling partner. I'm picking up that signal loud and clear.
Thing is, if the solution is just "no more porn in my house ever" that is only putting a little band-aid on a wound in your soul. But since you have this great guy, how about you and he take some time with no porn, and you doing your therapy, and work on healing. And maybe if one day you decide to confront your fears, find a way to view some material WITH him...not with him masturbating necessarily but maybe with him giving you stimulation. It's about exercises in a safe space to reprogram and desensitize those fears and bad feelings. The hopeful result would be, just like overcoming a phobia, healing that wound and letting go the insecurity.
He casually said" yes, of course I masturbate. Everybody does". Well then I got angry, especially that he told me that he normally looks at pics or gifs of porn and that once he even done looking at the sexy pictures of a person he knows.
As I see it, this is the problem.
It's one thing to masturbate to internet porn (complete strangers), but it's an entirely different situation to masturbate to pictures of someone you actually know.
It's one thing to masturbate to internet porn (complete strangers), but it's an entirely different situation to masturbate to pictures of someone you actually know.
I'm surprised he told you that.
I agree. This dude is edging toward crossing lines. And if he’s admitted to this much...I don’t know...
I’m not trying to add fuel to OP’s fire but I’m not sure this is 100% in her head, either.
I agree. This dude is edging toward crossing lines. And if he’s admitted to this much...I don’t know...
I’m not trying to add fuel to OP’s fire but I’m not sure this is 100% in her head, either.
On the other hand, he could have been trying to "come clean" in an attempt to talk her off the ledge by telling her of every little instance he could think of.
I mean, the OP is already paranoid AF as it is. So if her BF is not actually cheating, what is the actual difference in his jacking off to a photo of someone he knows vs. some random porn star? I get that the implication is that he could potentially cheat with the person he knows, but if he isn't actually cheating what is the difference?
I admit it was probably a dumb move for him to go into that much detail. What good does it actually do for her to have that image in her head? But at this point the last thing the OP needs is more suspicion. She needs solutions.
It's one thing to masturbate to internet porn (complete strangers), but it's an entirely different situation to masturbate to pictures of someone you actually know.
I'm surprised he told you that.
He said "once", which doesn't mean he did it while they were together.... but it could.
THAT would not fly with me. Fantasy and reality should not meet.
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You’re making all of this about sex when it’s core is about your fear of being not wanted and forgotten.
People can tell you masterbarion is this or that until they are blue, but unless you deal with your security surrounding your personal worth none of it is going to mean squat.
You need to define who you are before you can understand what is and isn’t ok with you. That’s something that’s will come with time and experience. Keep seeing your therapist and talking with your SO.
Last edited by rego00123; 07-31-2018 at 12:41 PM..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
He said "once", which doesn't mean he did it while they were together.... but it could.
THAT would not fly with me. Fantasy and reality should not meet.
If its masturbation its probably not when they were together. Sheesh, she has enough insecurities, lets not add to them.
If I'm honest, I have no doubt that more than a few women I slept with have fantasized about someone else, a former lover, or a rock star, or whatever when I've been with them. It happens. Heck, if you look to the OKC question on that topic (have you ever fantasized about another person when you're having sex with someone), it is very very very commonly answered yes by women. I have no idea how guys answer it.
You need to define who you are before you can understand what is and isn’t ok with you. That’s something that’s will come with time and experience. Keep seeing your therapist and talking with your SO.
This ^^ is a really great point and why many of us keep advising you to step up your therapy, OP.
This question is bringing you tons of stress and anxiety, but it's only a symptom of the problem. It's a sign that you have to keep working with your therapist to figure out what it is about YOU that doesn't feel secure enough to allow a sexual partner some autonomy.
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