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Any advice on rebuilding trust in a relationship? Over the summer I kinda got a crush on someone I've seen around my local music scene, stupidly saved a selfie of her from twitter on my phone, and promptly forgot about it. My gf saw it on my phone the other night and it became a whole big thing, she got really upset. I never intended to do anything with this person and have never even talked to her, but the fact that it's someone I've been in close proximity with at shows and have pointed out to my gf made her extra upset.. There's a part of me that things shes overreacting a bit but I know she has body image issues and stuff so that makes her insecure sometimes, and she says she's lost trust in me.. And it was a dumb thing to do on my part.
I know it'll take time, but I feel like I should do something to make it up to her, not really sure what though. I wish she would take me at my word that this has no bearing on our relationship or how I feel about her but I get why she's jealous. This is her first serious relationship and I wish she'd be a little better at taking responsibility for her emotions, and realizing when they're irrational.. I get jealous at times too, but I trust her and am able to realize that it's not something to take seriously.
No, "having a crush" is not cheating, technically, but taking specific actions that focus on a certain person as special to you in a way that is similar to how you feel about your SO is threatening and disrespectful, which is what your girlfriend is reacting to.
What can you do? Hopefully you deleted the photo. That should have been step 1. You also can stop characterizing her reactions as irrational. Instead of empathizing with her, you're mentally building a case where you're defending your actions, which were stupid, against her instead of trying to see things from her perspective.
Yes, in an ideal world she would be much more secure with herself and understand that this is not that big deal in the grand scheme of things. And soon all the people who've been married 20+ years will come along and tell you to break up with her because she's immature and how they and their spouses talk about other hotties all the time but have forgotten what it feels like to be young and unsure.
But let's meet your GF where she's at... in her first relationship, with "body image issues" so typical of that age.
As someone who has cheated and been cheated on, I will tell you what I do with stuff like this. It's not for everyone, but it works for me.
If I'm in a committed relationship, I now have a pretty strict method for protecting that relationship. Temptation is ALL around us, so why make it easier for you to "go there" even mentally? Don't do stuff like saving pix. All it does is open the door for you to take mental energy away from your GF and focus it on another woman. That's how cheating STARTS.
This is why they say relationships take work. Because if you relax and let your mind wander to another woman, especially one who's not a celebrity and could somehow be an actual possibility, then you're just asking for trouble.
Tell your GF that you understand how she felt when she found the photo, and that you're sorry but that you have no intentions of being with anyone else. Also tell her that you hope this is the last time y'all have to talk about it, and that you want to move forward with both of you being confident that you are into each other.
If after that she can't let go, then you need to reconsider the relationship.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smisk
Any advice on rebuilding trust in a relationship? Over the summer I kinda got a crush on someone I've seen around my local music scene, stupidly saved a selfie of her from twitter on my phone, and promptly forgot about it. My gf saw it on my phone the other night and it became a whole big thing, she got really upset. I never intended to do anything with this person and have never even talked to her, but the fact that it's someone I've been in close proximity with at shows and have pointed out to my gf made her extra upset.. There's a part of me that things shes overreacting a bit but I know she has body image issues and stuff so that makes her insecure sometimes, and she says she's lost trust in me.. And it was a dumb thing to do on my part.
I know it'll take time, but I feel like I should do something to make it up to her, not really sure what though. I wish she would take me at my word that this has no bearing on our relationship or how I feel about her but I get why she's jealous. This is her first serious relationship and I wish she'd be a little better at taking responsibility for her emotions, and realizing when they're irrational.. I get jealous at times too, but I trust her and am able to realize that it's not something to take seriously.
I think it is ridiculous she lost her over a selfie. Definitely overreacting and immature.
@BirdieBelle, thanks that was very helpful, and helped me see things from her perspective. She's 23 and I'm 26 fwiw. We're going to talk things through tonight, and I think it will be fine.
This is not cheating and a really silly reason to get upset if you ask me. Everyone will have crushes, everyone will find others attractive. Doesn't mean anything.
I have been cheated on in the past, but do not carry any of that baggage with me today with my husband. If I were to see a picture of someone hot on his phone, or that he was liking pictures of women on instagram, it wouldn't bug me in the least. But I wouldn't see these things anyways because I am not checking up on him.
There is no objective rule on what is or isn't cheating, in my opinion. There is only an understanding and agreement in a relationship on what is cheating and isn't...to you.
If there is no agreement, and two people are simply going to attack each other and say "YOU HAVE WRONGED ME" every time icky, insecure, jealous feelings happen...that is using your emotions as a means to control or manipulate your partner. Maybe not maliciously, but it's pretty low level relating. I feel bad so you're a jerk, is not really a valid argument. And there's got to be a line of reasonableness. I cannot and do not expect my partner to never look at another woman, for pete's sakes he'd have to pull his eyes out of his head. Does she expect to be able to have friendly conversations with other men? For some guys, that feels like cheating. Other couples, some that I know, engage happily in open relationships where they can have sex with others and don't consider it cheating. The only difference is in what you agree and consent to, or not.
And to some extent, I think that it's valuable personal growth to understand that your partner cannot be expected to be responsible for your self esteem. If she needs more affirmations from you, she could ask for that. This whole episode is mostly her comparing herself unfavorably to someone else that you gave some attention to. I think most people compare themselves to others at times, and feel insecure, that's a pretty human thing. But you can't take ownership of her self esteem, and the only loving thing to do is to give her reassurance and loving attention so that she understands that you find her beautiful and worthy of love. And the two of you should talk about where your boundaries are and need to be, and matters of trust. She needs to trust herself (to be lovable) enough to trust you (to love her.)
I think it is ridiculous she lost her over a selfie. Definitely overreacting and immature.
So you wouldn’t mind if your girlfriend had a picture of a random, non-celebrity guy saved in her phone?
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over a selfie. Definitely overreacting and immature.
