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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
So you wouldn’t mind if your girlfriend had a picture of a random, non-celebrity guy saved in her phone?
A lot of my friends who have boyfriends and girlfriends have random selfies all over their wall and phones with other people. I wouldn’t give a selfie a second thought.
A lot of my friends who have boyfriends and girlfriends have random selfies all over their wall and phones with other people. I wouldn’t give a selfie a second thought.
I thought the OP meant that he had a selfie that the girl took of herself and he wasn’t actually in the photo.
No, "having a crush" is not cheating, technically, but taking specific actions that focus on a certain person as special to you in a way that is similar to how you feel about your SO is threatening and disrespectful, which is what your girlfriend is reacting to.
What can you do? Hopefully you deleted the photo. That should have been step 1. You also can stop characterizing her reactions as irrational. Instead of empathizing with her, you're mentally building a case where you're defending your actions, which were stupid, against her instead of trying to see things from her perspective.
Yes, in an ideal world she would be much more secure with herself and understand that this is not that big deal in the grand scheme of things. And soon all the people who've been married 20+ years will come along and tell you to break up with her because she's immature and how they and their spouses talk about other hotties all the time but have forgotten what it feels like to be young and unsure.
But let's meet your GF where she's at... in her first relationship, with "body image issues" so typical of that age.
As someone who has cheated and been cheated on, I will tell you what I do with stuff like this. It's not for everyone, but it works for me.
If I'm in a committed relationship, I now have a pretty strict method for protecting that relationship. Temptation is ALL around us, so why make it easier for you to "go there" even mentally? Don't do stuff like saving pix. All it does is open the door for you to take mental energy away from your GF and focus it on another woman. That's how cheating STARTS.
This is why they say relationships take work. Because if you relax and let your mind wander to another woman, especially one who's not a celebrity and could somehow be an actual possibility, then you're just asking for trouble.
Tell your GF that you understand how she felt when she found the photo, and that you're sorry but that you have no intentions of being with anyone else. Also tell her that you hope this is the last time y'all have to talk about it, and that you want to move forward with both of you being confident that you are into each other.
If after that she can't let go, then you need to reconsider the relationship.
I thought the OP meant that he had a selfie that the girl took of herself and he wasn’t actually in the photo.
Yeah just to clarify this was a photo she posted on twitter, I've never met or spoken this person, just follow them on social media and have seen them at concerts in my city in the past.
But that's the thing dude, a person's feelings aren't necessarily about whether you did something wrong or not. She is feeling that you see this woman and you wish you had her, and that what you have looks less in your eyes. That emotion doesn't always bow to logical argument. That's why it's not really about whether you did right or wrong or if it is "cheating" or not. She feels what she feels.
I understand this all too well, because as we've discussed a number of times here when the subject of porn comes up, I often struggle with feelings of inadequacy when I compare myself to the porn my boyfriend enjoys. Not any one woman, no, but an endless variety of the most appealing ladies he could possibly find to fill his eyes and mind with glorious fantasy. How can reality be desirable when compared to that? One woman, who cannot magically change to be something new and exciting every few minutes, who will age, who has a life history and baggage and problems and thoughts and feelings to be considered... Compared to what sometimes seems (to me) like everything men want in female-kind (sex) and none of the hassles of dealing with a real person. It hurts. Is he doing anything wrong? No. I don't believe that he is. It still hurts, if I think of it that way, and sometimes I still do, though I struggle not to.
Sometimes in relationships I think we've got to try to understand our partners' emotional truths without assigning these moral values to what causes the feelings. And yeah, you're both young, and that does take a measure of maturity, but starting to at least TRY to think of it that way...maybe it could help, I don't know.
I have found it useful at times to ask someone I care about, "What do you need from me?" Have them give it thought. Do they need to be heard? Do they need you to solve the problem? Do they need reassurance and validation? Focus more on her feelings and needs than on vindicating your own actions.
But that's the thing dude, a person's feelings aren't necessarily about whether you did something wrong or not. She is feeling that you see this woman and you wish you had her, and that what you have looks less in your eyes. That emotion doesn't always bow to logical argument. That's why it's not really about whether you did right or wrong or if it is "cheating" or not. She feels what she feels.
I understand this all too well, because as we've discussed a number of times here when the subject of porn comes up, I often struggle with feelings of inadequacy when I compare myself to the porn my boyfriend enjoys. Not any one woman, no, but an endless variety of the most appealing ladies he could possibly find to fill his eyes and mind with glorious fantasy. How can reality be desirable when compared to that? One woman, who cannot magically change to be something new and exciting every few minutes, who will age, who has a life history and baggage and problems and thoughts and feelings to be considered... Compared to what sometimes seems (to me) like everything men want in female-kind (sex) and none of the hassles of dealing with a real person. It hurts. Is he doing anything wrong? No. I don't believe that he is. It still hurts, if I think of it that way, and sometimes I still do, though I struggle not to.
Sometimes in relationships I think we've got to try to understand our partners' emotional truths without assigning these moral values to what causes the feelings. And yeah, you're both young, and that does take a measure of maturity, but starting to at least TRY to think of it that way...maybe it could help, I don't know.
I have found it useful at times to ask someone I care about, "What do you need from me?" Have them give it thought. Do they need to be heard? Do they need you to solve the problem? Do they need reassurance and validation? Focus more on her feelings and needs than on vindicating your own actions.
If he isn’t making you feel like he’s extremely lucky to have you, then yes I think he’s doing something wrong.
OMG. Not everything should be based on feelings. OP isn’t doing anything wrong. His girlfriend needs to get her together and grow up.
My comment was directed to Sonic.
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together and grow up.
