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I've been married for close to 30 years to a really good guy. Overall, I would say our marriage has been a happy one. We are very compatible, we rarely argue or fight. Our values align, we are respectful to each other, we give each other space and yet we do things together too. Our marriage is egalitarian and there's no hostility over household chores, finances or kids (we don't have kids). We treat each other well and we consider each other our best friend.
The problem is there really isn't any romantic chemistry and hasn't been for many years. We both find each other physically attractive, but we don't feel drawn to each other sexually or romantically anymore and haven't for a long time. We have sex only about once a month and it feels transactional, not sensual. If I am to be honest, sex has always been the weak link in our relationship. The chemistry just is lacking in that area and pretty much always has been. I don't even really enjoy kissing my husband. I've never really liked the way he kisses. I feel terrible saying this, but it's true.
For many years I just accepted this as the one down side in an otherwise great relationship but I have come to a point where I am starting to feel that I want more. What really woke me up is that I fell in love with another man and had an emotional affair with him. It never got physical but he stirred a lot of feelings up in me that I haven't had in a long time...feelings of passion and romantic feelings that I realize I want again in my life.
This emotional affair made me realize what my marriage is missing and that I want a passionate relationship again.
Is my marriage over? Would you stay married to someone you didn't feel romantic or sexual toward?
I would say your definition of love is skewed so not sure you have the ability to become stable again. You've been married a long time, you are not a teenager.
What you described with your husband is love. What you described with this guy you had an emotional affair with is wicked. You don't even seem to feel guilt at all. That is much more concerning than your attraction issues with your husband you are moaning about. I hope you can get yourself on-track because what you are implying about your marriage being over, is plain cruel to your husband. You seem to care more for this guy than your own husband and children. So much so you might be making excuses to cause the death of your family. Love is an action, not a feeling. Feelings are fleeting. please pick up a bible, read what love is. It certainly isn't someone without a conscious moaning about their marriage and basing it on attraction issues. Hate to state the obvious, but as we age and wrinkles take over, there will BE NO physical attraction in that way. Old people are not pretty but they love each other without demanding it be based on vanity. It will be the internal which will drive you, not appearance. You need to check why there is no guilt here about your emotional affair, and why you are using some flaws in your marriage to say your marriage is dead. Though nothing has really changed.
Instead please love your family, don't destroy them.
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Last edited by BumbleBeeHunter; 11-06-2018 at 12:33 AM..
Before you give up on a long marriage how about you try some couples counseling, focusing on counselors that help with sexual issues. I'm assuming you're in your 50's if you've been married 30 years? If your husband is great in every way do you really want to throw that away without at least trying to improve things?
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This is very typical of "disposal spouse syndrome". I sincerely doubt that the OP ever comes back, but if she does let's hope she decides work on her marriage instead of the alternative. If you do dispose of your husband, good luck not getting bored in your next relationship. If you do, you might want to take a look in the mirror.
Last edited by LakeLifePA; 11-06-2018 at 08:14 AM..
Instead of talking to a bunch of strangers on the internet, why don't you talk to your husband. Better yet, show him what you posted. That will make life interesting. That will likely raise some passions, but it could be ugly passions. It would probably improve your marriage or destroy it.
Yeah, go ahead and blow up your family. Also, it doesn't seem you feel any ounce of guilt for betraying your husband. Maybe you'll be doing him a service.
Having an "Emotional Affair" even tho, confiding and wanting another, is not being unfaithful. Its dangerous, and can lead to it happening. We all see someone in our lives that we're attracted to. This "One Hit Wonder" may come back. but, This emotional affair made me realize what my marriage is missing and that I want a passionate relationship again.
Lets say you're 55, got married at 25. Still probably got at least 25 years on this planet. Questions to ask:
Who did you get married for?
Family? That's what everyone says about why they stay married, "It would devastate our family"
No, you got married because you felt you could be with this person "til death do us part" Nice theory, but, sometimes the alternative to stabbing your spouse 30 times in their sleep is preferable. Do you really want to fake for that family you say you love so much? Show them no matter how much you can't stand this person, you'll endure it because you care about how your family feels. I see it happen all the time. People married 24 years, have 3 kids, all over 18, get a divorce. It's hard on everyone, but in reality, after it's over with, the family actually enjoys being around those two people, even if it is in seperate situations. Too many throw themselves on their sword as a martyr in marriage, disgarding their own personal happiness. This leads sometimes, to illness, depression, anxiety, and much more. I've been married before, I had to make that decision, with two little boys age 5 to think about. Should I continue raising them in a shallow non-loving relationship, having two people spend their time together, actually resenting the fact that the children made them stay together, always ends up blaming the kids, thereby creating more tension and disallusionment. Small disagreements? work it out. But if you know you got married for the wrong reasons, ie, security, power, prestige, or peer pressure, then maybe you should consider living the senior years of your life happy, rather than resentful.
And, I apologize if this offends anyone, but if you're honest with your own feelings, and step outside that comfortable shell you've allowed yourself to settle in, then you might just come to the conclusion that separating isn't such a bad idea. Too many older couples spend so much time bickering that no one wants to be around them, the cycle grows, less people want to be with them, so they argue more with each other, constantly blaming the other about the terrible life they have together.
Most marriage experts consider an emotional to be cheating.
Romance and passion could be worked on within your marriage with the help of professionals.
You could also end your marriage and seek something better, but keep in mind that in most cases you will be trading one downside for another (or many).
Op why wouldn’t you communicate directly to your spouse on what you don’t like and what you would like. Rather than having an emotional affair or divorcing him give him a real chance.
You said you never really liked how he kissed. Kissing is kinda basic. It primes the pump for everything that follows that act. It sounds like you never really liked him, and maybe you got married to each other because that is what all your friends were doing at that time? I don't know...but wow.
You both took vows to love each other. Going through the motions is not loving each other.
An emotional affair is a fantasy. Fantasies never live up what we build them up to be in our minds. As others have said, if you divorced him to try to find true love this late in the game, chances are it would still elude you.
Counseling sounds like the way to go. You might be able to just talk to each other, and start dating each other again since the kids must be grown for the most part. You might need 3rd party to help you talk to each other and move forward. You have to both want to do it, and especially YOU.
Your dear husband might not really realize that there even is a problem.
Passion is over-rated. Especially when we're talking about an otherwise happy 30 year marriage. You stayed with him this long for something (maybe he makes you laugh and is the only person you've ever felt completely comfortable with. Maybe he's the perfect travel/hiking/date night partner). Nobody would stay married for any length of time if passion was the main factor. Of course, if there is more to the problem than just that, you need to figure that out. Marriage counseling may be in order. However, if it's just missing those "sparks" you once felt as a hormonal teenager, read on.
This is going to sound trite but it's not meant to be, and I recommend this to any woman who loves her spouse but is starting to get that longing for "something exciting": invest in sex toys. Schedule a little "private time" once or twice a week. Get good at satisfying yourself (seriously, it's an art - you get better at it). It helps a ton in warding off the wandering eye. And if it doesn't, then you might really have a problem. There's this sex toy blog I like - heyepiphora.com - that has reviews of a lot of toys, and also just general advice (like invest in good quality - high grade silicone and the like). There's a whole world out there of "exciting" experiences that don't have to involve cheating or ending a marriage.
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