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Most marriage experts consider an emotional to be cheating.
" yes, and some police officers consider 65 in a 60 speeding"
Romance and passion could be worked on within your marriage with the help of professionals.
"disagree, romance you can push it, but never really get passion. You can't force it"
You could also end your marriage and seek something better, but keep in mind that in most cases you will be trading one downside for another (or many).
MOST cases? don't think so. Lots of second marriages last:
1. Things start off the right way.
2. You're older and wiser.
3. It's entirely up to you.
4. No one wants to repeat the ugliness of divorce.
5. Romance is worth the effort.
6. It's complicated — but you can handle it.
7. Emotional triggers are already out there.
8. Time is precious.
9. Gratitude makes a good foundation.
I've been married for close to 30 years to a really good guy. Overall, I would say our marriage has been a happy one. We are very compatible, we rarely argue or fight. Our values align, we are respectful to each other, we give each other space and yet we do things together too. Our marriage is egalitarian and there's no hostility over household chores, finances or kids (we don't have kids). We treat each other well and we consider each other our best friend.
The problem is there really isn't any romantic chemistry and hasn't been for many years. We both find each other physically attractive, but we don't feel drawn to each other sexually or romantically anymore and haven't for a long time. We have sex only about once a month and it feels transactional, not sensual. If I am to be honest, sex has always been the weak link in our relationship. The chemistry just is lacking in that area and pretty much always has been. I don't even really enjoy kissing my husband. I've never really liked the way he kisses. I feel terrible saying this, but it's true.
For many years I just accepted this as the one down side in an otherwise great relationship but I have come to a point where I am starting to feel that I want more. What really woke me up is that I fell in love with another man and had an emotional affair with him. It never got physical but he stirred a lot of feelings up in me that I haven't had in a long time...feelings of passion and romantic feelings that I realize I want again in my life.
This emotional affair made me realize what my marriage is missing and that I want a passionate relationship again.
Is my marriage over? Would you stay married to someone you didn't feel romantic or sexual toward?
I think all of this is pretty normal and part of the natural progression of a long marriage. It is not abnormal to want more from your marriage. You are in the next season of your marriage and it is your time! You have to rediscover who you are and who your husband is now. Things get muddy when you have work, house, kids etc on your mind-but now you have the luxury to be fully awake and present in your marriage. The emotional affair that you had (which was wrong) happened because you need more. Cut that off and put that energy into your marriage. Don't give up.
I've been married for close to 30 years to a really good guy...there's no hostility over...finances...(we don't have kids)....
The problem is there really isn't any romantic chemistry and hasn't been for many years...If I am to be honest, sex has always been the weak link in our relationship. The chemistry just is lacking in that area and pretty much always has been...Would you stay married to someone you didn't feel romantic or sexual toward?
OP, you're asking the wrong question, and 30 years too late.
The right question is: Should I marry (a nice guy) who I have no romantic/sexual feelings toward in the first place?
Why (wrong ques)? First, his kissing repulses you. Second, you led us to believe you used to have sexual interest in him, yet you betrayed yourself (or unwittingly became brutally honest) in what I bolded above. Third, money is a non-issue. (Fourth: no kids---could be personal/medical...no further comments from me here).
Top two reasons for divorce: 1. Money, 2. Sex (most websites use the code word "Infidelity/Boredom")
Mod cut.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 12-16-2018 at 08:48 PM..
Reason: Discussing forum moderation.
You said you never really liked how he kissed. Kissing is kinda basic. It primes the pump for everything that follows that act. It sounds like you never really liked him, and maybe you got married to each other because that is what all your friends were doing at that time? I don't know...but wow.
You both took vows to love each other. Going through the motions is not loving each other.
An emotional affair is a fantasy. Fantasies never live up what we build them up to be in our minds. As others have said, if you divorced him to try to find true love this late in the game, chances are it would still elude you.
Counseling sounds like the way to go. You might be able to just talk to each other, and start dating each other again since the kids must be grown for the most part. You might need 3rd party to help you talk to each other and move forward. You have to both want to do it, and especially YOU.
Your dear husband might not really realize that there even is a problem.
OP apparently never showed him how she likes to be kissed. He probably is clueless about all of this.
I dated an attractive guy who didn't kiss right but he was otherwise a jerk so not worth investing time to try to change it. But for a serious relationship there should be communication and if something is off, gently communicate your wants and needs.
Personally I'd bail. Being roommates the rest of your life just doesn't sound appealing at all. Just think about all the passion and romance you'll be missing out on. YOLO. Or you could get a side dish - call me.
Is it really worth it? You’re in your fifties and you suddenly have the hots for someone other than your husband?
Are you planning to run off with this guy you’ve been involved with? How do you know it’s going to work? Relationships based on affairs often burn out soon after the forbidden fruit becomes a rudderless, needy lover with health issues and hair in all the wrong places.
You’re in for a rude awakening.
^^this^^
But this is what happens when women trade passion for stability.
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