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It's time for you to be very proactive about securing your future and your child's future. From what I gather, your husband isn't doing it. Be smart-you got some really great advice from Ruth4Truth about speaking to a lawyer about your assets. You need to know your options and have a back up if he flakes out on you. Test him.
I already told you what I think, but now, since you were stupid enough to get pregnant now, you need to protect your own future first. If your lame brain husband gets his act together at some point, great. If not, you need to take care of your child.
We’ve Been married a year & a half. He’s a self proclaimed workaholic on a lot of side projects & entrepreneurial stuff, still in professional school but is doing as a “backup plan”. I moved for him once, & it took a while to get settled but I’m finally with an awesome hard to find gig, cushy with great pay (I am definitely the breadwinner). Well, for the next step in his professional path he’s been fixated on going to a place that’s in one of the most expensive areas in entire country. For many practical reasons (he makes no $ himself, I’d work twice as hard for the same amount of $ i make now at a job I’d certainly enjoy much less, he can accomplish the same things somewhere else), I’m not on board w going but told him many times I would never keep him from his dream, & he can go and we’ll be long distance. He refuses and says I’m saying I’d end the relationship (not my intent). But he used to be so totally work focused that I became independent and kind of distanced myself in return so as not to be disappointed...Many times when we try to do something fun he brings this issue up... I really never want to settle in the area he does (way too far from all my family and friends, and again, my knowledge of the job market for me)... I feel kind of bored, in intimate life, regular life, etc with him- like no spark, he tries to force it... but when I allude to all this he says how it’s not an option for him not to be with me and he’d be completely devastated, whereas I just want space. What do I do???
Honestly I’d stay there at wonderful job. Good paying jobs that you love in a reasonable cost of living area are hard to find. Sounds like he’s a dreamer that is in the clouds... Typically these people crash and burn hard and you’ll be the one scraping by in an expensive area to foot the bills while he goes out and tried random stupid stuff. I may be wrong he may be the next Musk and you miss the man and life of your dreams but probably a 90%+ chance I’m correct.
Different city but I think same expense level (or super close behind). Yes I completely agree with you. He’s described working on many different entrepreneurial ventures at once as a “compulsion.” He would be going out to this city technically for professional school (would get a very small stipend from his work), but would really be there to chase all his venture ideas. One night he told me that If he’s still made $0 on all his entrepreneurial ventures combined by the end of the year, then he should realize they aren’t going anywhere sustainable and stick to the grad schooling path. But the other day I brought that up and he got angry and went back to “well no, it’s only a matter of time!!! It’s not that they’re going to fail!! I’m going to succeed!!”
That's a huge red flag. Here's the reality of entrepreneurship, it generally takes 2 or 3 years of working on ONE to get a return, if it succeeds at all. They aren't get rich quick schemes, and it's not realistic to expect otherwise. In addition to that, going through the process of getting ONE to succeed requires quite a bit of energy and focus, even working on it part time. The amount of focus and time ONE requires to succeed is enough so that working on more than one will condemn them all to failure.
And as I've said before, I've worked with guys like your husband, they never succeed because they won't go through the process the right way. Right now I have a startup that doesn't make money, but I also have a full time day job until it succeeds and I work on it part time. That's the way your husband should approach entrepreneurship, what he's doing now will not work and likely destroy both of you in the process.
So he's a workaholic who makes no money, he's emotionally needy and sexually timid. But he's a nice guy! If you have no kids together it's time to cut bait here. Get him to move to the new city and once he's settled in send him his walking papers.
So he's a workaholic who makes no money, he's emotionally needy and sexually timid. But he's a nice guy! If you have no kids together it's time to cut bait here. Get him to move to the new city and once he's settled in send him his walking papers.
I guess you miss that she’s pregnant. Still good advise, though.
I’m 4 months pregnant now. I guess this is the other reason I was shrugging off people saying im trying for more than friendship w my coworker- he has kids too whom he misses and talks about. I told my husband if he’s so committed to going to this other city for his dreams then he can work out childcare (he has close family in that area who’d help), and I’ll fly out there the 2 weeks per month I’m not working (I told you my job is irreplaceable... yes I make a large full time salary for this amount of work...)
I think he wants to take out loans on his own, not use my credit. And no joint credit cards. We have a joint bank account, which he never deposits anything into unless nagged because “savings aren’t as important as all the money I’ll make if I put this into business instead,” so I keep most of my money in My own account instead
I think that it's time for a "come to Jesus meeting" with your husband. His rainbow chasing days have come to an end now that you're expecting a child. It's rare that I'd recommend that a person give someone an ultimatum, but since it seems as though your husband cannot listen to your advice (and has a mother who encourages his dream-chasing), he needs to have one given to him as soon as possible. Since you're the main bread winner, your ultimatum would have more "teeth" to it than it might under other circumstances, i.e., if you leave, he's going to have to grow up and get a job that pays well enough to support himself as well as his child.
Stay put in your job and current location. You're going to need the income and benefits to support you and your child as well as the emotional stability and satisfaction that come from doing work that you truly enjoy in an environment where you can thrive as a professional. If he wants to see you and his child, let him come to you--not the other way around as he's pretty much abdicated his duties to you and your unborn child in favor of his business dreams.
As nice and sweet as your husband might be, he's behaving as a boy and not as a responsible man. Speaking of fathers, I must ask: what does your father-in-law think of his son's behavior? Most fathers I know would not look kindly upon a son who allows his pregnant wife to pull most, if not all, of the financial weight in a marriage. I also hope that you have family who could lend emotional support to you at this time.
Tell him to go do whatever he wants to do. That usually helps. You hold steady and wait. Let him try one last time. If he’s not earning more than you by baby time, he must come home and get a regular job.
It’s in your best interests that he succeeds, whether you stay together or not.
Tell him to go do whatever he wants to do. That usually helps. You hold steady and wait. Let him try one last time. If he’s not earning more than you by baby time, he must come home and get a regular job.
It’s in your best interests that he succeeds, whether you stay together or not.
This is interesting. Sounds fair, reasonable. But I wonder if, since it's some kind of school program he's going to do, he has to wait until fall semester of next year. IOW--after baby's arrived. Maybe the thing to do at this point in time, would be to have him get a job locally, any job, to bring in some income for the baby (or for his own living expenses when he moves?), while he waits for fall semester to happen.
OP, when is this program in the other city supposed to start?
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