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Not really, being able to get along with someone 1 on 1 is still a social skill. If a woman for whatever reason gets along with me great and adds joy to my life what does it matter if she gets along with others?
Again being able to Bond with someone 1 on 1 is still a social skill!!! Truly antisocial people can't even manage that. A GOOD romantic relationship shares all the attributes of friendships, and much much more. So some of us devote are time and energy seeking out the more rewarding(FOR US) of the 2.
What puzzles me is, why is it viewed as acceptable(almost applauded) for people to choose to stay single and focus solely on friendships and community, but not the other way around? It's the same thing, those people choose that life BECAUSE THEY DON'T VALUE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS AND FEEL FRIENDS AND COMMUNITY IS MORE REWARDING!!!
And even those that claim to want both seem to put waaaaayyy more energy into their social circle than their romantic partnership, the former starving the latter.
He has a point. I know that some people , usually women, that get their social and emotional needs met via other friends and family members. Some are focused on their kids and having a romantic partner is far from their mind. I know a woman that stated she closed up shop dating-wise since her divorce and the idea of entering the dating world is not in the picture. She's content with her daughter and her trio of gal pals that she sees that live 2 hours away.
I noticed men, however, are usually the opposite in this as they are typically on the go for some kind of romantic partnership or they get along with both non-romantic and romantic.
But on both sides of the spectrum, I'd always hear about how a man or woman friend from a social circle would fall off the radar because they found a romantic partner....because they are focused on each othe.r
I knew of a 30-something woman that was perpetually single. She was engaged, but she was a major trail biker and she would do biking events weekly with her group of friends . It was routine.
Eventually, her partner wanted to skip some of those events to spend time with him, she woudln't have it. One day she expressed he was stopping by her house too frequently...and I was like "Um, he's your fiance', might as well get used to it since you'll be living under the same roof".
SHe eventually ended it as she wasn't comfortable with the set up. SHe just wound up with an f-buddy in her biking group instead.
So your point is that it's healthy to have friendships outside of a romantic relationship and in the absence of one? I'm sorry, you're not being very clear and your examples don't match up with the topic.
It is a sign of abuse if you are working to isolate a partner from anyone else in their lives (friends, family.)
Some people prefer that kind of isolation. May you all find one another somehow. I'm sure it's not as easy, what with being isolated and everything, but perhaps life will uh...find a way.
My partner is an introvert, but he still has social connections. Some don't include me, and some are more shared. As the extrovert in the couple, I feel that in some respects I am tasked with the management of our social life, but no (Cyphorx) it is not a thing that starves our relationship. He will ask, "What do we have going on this weekend." I'll reply, "Well, Friday night is Game Night. I could take that or leave it if you just want to have a night in together. We have a party on Saturday night I really want to make it to." So we will spend Friday night and all day Saturday probably watching movies/tv, playing board games, having sex, napping, whatever. And Saturday night at a party, mingling and socializing, drifting apart and back together, as little conversational groups form and break...not attached at the hip, but not feeling neglected.
Part of why this works, is that he may be an introvert (social activity is exhausting, he'd prefer that it is limited) but he does not find interaction to be painfully difficult. Even just sitting off to one side, watching the room is comfortable and fine for him. He doesn't get mad if I'm talking to others and he does not need 100% of my attention all the time.
And sure, sometimes there will be nights where he's got to work or he doesn't want to go to some social engagement and I'll go, and he also has friends he will go spend time with, that I don't go along to see. Yet somehow, we still seem to have plenty of time for each other.
But what I question, I guess, is whether your mentality is that if your partner is not 100% right there staring at you 100% of the time, then you feel neglected and like other things are stealing their time and attention away. I've known people who seem to feel this way. If I wasn't right there waiting when I was wanted, the guy got all upset about it. If 5% or less of my time was spent away with my social group, then I was "always" going off to have fun with my friends and I was "never" there for the guy. (Why do I suddenly feel like old school BrahmaBull with this post full of percentages and stuff...lol...)
Well , if it's like that for you guys , then that's your normal really and no one else's matter , right.
But we find much the same and we like it like that.
l dunno , we're just into our life and time, my woman can't be bothered has no interest in friends although she does know a few people and l'm about the same , l've never been that into friends anyway or one or two at most and she's much the same.
l do see my daughter all the time and we talk most days, 17, of course, and a brother or two every few weeks, but that pretty well does it for me.
My woman is in touch with her son all the time , him and his w just had their first baby but they live 12hours away.
My ex w was a real friendy person and family , in laws, god almighty am l happy to be out of that.
Even if things didn't work out with my gf, l'd still go for someone more like me if ever again. And again with only one child , or none , and def' not too into her family and stuff.
Mine rings her mum once a wk or so , back in her country, but she's content with that.
It is a sign of abuse if you are working to isolate a partner from anyone else in their lives (friends, family.)
Some people prefer that kind of isolation. May you all find one another somehow. I'm sure it's not as easy, what with being isolated and everything, but perhaps life will uh...find a way.
My partner is an introvert, but he still has social connections. Some don't include me, and some are more shared. As the extrovert in the couple, I feel that in some respects I am tasked with the management of our social life, but no (Cyphorx) it is not a thing that starves our relationship. He will ask, "What do we have going on this weekend." I'll reply, "Well, Friday night is Game Night. I could take that or leave it if you just want to have a night in together. We have a party on Saturday night I really want to make it to." So we will spend Friday night and all day Saturday probably watching movies/tv, playing board games, having sex, napping, whatever. And Saturday night at a party, mingling and socializing, drifting apart and back together, as little conversational groups form and break...not attached at the hip, but not feeling neglected.
Part of why this works, is that he may be an introvert (social activity is exhausting, he'd prefer that it is limited) but he does not find interaction to be painfully difficult. Even just sitting off to one side, watching the room is comfortable and fine for him. He doesn't get mad if I'm talking to others and he does not need 100% of my attention all the time.
And sure, sometimes there will be nights where he's got to work or he doesn't want to go to some social engagement and I'll go, and he also has friends he will go spend time with, that I don't go along to see. Yet somehow, we still seem to have plenty of time for each other.
But what I question, I guess, is whether your mentality is that if your partner is not 100% right there staring at you 100% of the time, then you feel neglected and like other things are stealing their time and attention away. I've known people who seem to feel this way. If I wasn't right there waiting when I was wanted, the guy got all upset about it. If 5% or less of my time was spent away with my social group, then I was "always" going off to have fun with my friends and I was "never" there for the guy. (Why do I suddenly feel like old school BrahmaBull with this post full of percentages and stuff...lol...)
Funny thing, I met a woman in her, I'm guessing 50s on a hike today. She said that her husband never joins her on such things because she's a video game widow. He's a complete couch potato.
She joked that she may as well be single because of this. lol. She said there's a big indentation where his body is in the couch and only leaves the game when he's hungry.
Obviously, he has no interest in being social.
I knew of another married woman that was an avid outdoor enthusiast/geek. But she never brought her newly wedded husband with her to the outdoor events. He has no interest in the outdoors. Just stays home watching TV and movies.
I knew of another married woman that was married for a while, expressed to some of her closer Meetup members that she can't stand her husband. She likes to get out and socialize, he can't stand people basically.
I was the carpool driver one time to the beach one time. Her husband dropped her off, she introduced her husband to us...but he was in a hurry to get the hell away from us. She said, "Yeah, he doesn't care to socialize, he's a grump".
So she as always doing things by herself. Pretty sad.
I'm thinking, "Yeah, that's a marriage on thin ice". And she was always flirting with me...but I never encouraged it.
I'm the definite extrovert in my marriage. The friends of ours are typically friends I've made throughout the years, the few friends my wife has made have slowly faded away over time, typically (as my wife says) "because they don't put in the effort". While she likes my friend groups, she often doesn't socialize with them anymore. She did when we were dating, and in the early days of our marriage, but health issues and some social anxiety has kept her at bay.
For me, i find it fairly miserable...sadly, that's likely just "today" talking, as I was feeling a bit down after canceling birthday plans since it'd have just been me and my parents (one kid has a cold, one kid "acted" like she didn't feel well, and the wife was going to stay with them if i went out for dinner with my folks).
Another friend from work was in a similar boat, but only with regards to travel. Her husband hated traveling, running around, and seeing new things. If he went with her on a trip, he'd opt to hang out at the hotel and then have dinner. She discovered early that traveling with her spouse was miserable, so...she picked a good traveling companion and the two of them went all over the world. They'd plan out at least one big trip a year, sometimes two. And go have adventures, while keeping each other company....I honestly see that as my future once the kids are out of the home...and I actually look forward to the kids being old enough to run away with me for weekend trips as well.
You know how many couples are friends w/ other couples & they hang out & go places? That would be so incredibly foreign to my fiance' & I. I personally wouldn't like it. It would feel so odd to me. I prefer just my fiance' & I together. But hey, if that's what people like, that's great for them!
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
Whatever...maybe they were the only sane one and was lucky or tough enough to have "escaped".
It is a sign of abuse if you are working to isolate a partner from anyone else in their lives (friends, family.)
Some people prefer that kind of isolation. May you all find one another somehow. I'm sure it's not as easy, what with being isolated and everything, but perhaps life will uh...find a way.
My partner is an introvert, but he still has social connections. Some don't include me, and some are more shared. As the extrovert in the couple, I feel that in some respects I am tasked with the management of our social life, but no (Cyphorx) it is not a thing that starves our relationship. He will ask, "What do we have going on this weekend." I'll reply, "Well, Friday night is Game Night. I could take that or leave it if you just want to have a night in together. We have a party on Saturday night I really want to make it to." So we will spend Friday night and all day Saturday probably watching movies/tv, playing board games, having sex, napping, whatever. And Saturday night at a party, mingling and socializing, drifting apart and back together, as little conversational groups form and break...not attached at the hip, but not feeling neglected.
Part of why this works, is that he may be an introvert (social activity is exhausting, he'd prefer that it is limited) but he does not find interaction to be painfully difficult. Even just sitting off to one side, watching the room is comfortable and fine for him. He doesn't get mad if I'm talking to others and he does not need 100% of my attention all the time.
And sure, sometimes there will be nights where he's got to work or he doesn't want to go to some social engagement and I'll go, and he also has friends he will go spend time with, that I don't go along to see. Yet somehow, we still seem to have plenty of time for each other.
But what I question, I guess, is whether your mentality is that if your partner is not 100% right there staring at you 100% of the time, then you feel neglected and like other things are stealing their time and attention away. I've known people who seem to feel this way. If I wasn't right there waiting when I was wanted, the guy got all upset about it. If 5% or less of my time was spent away with my social group, then I was "always" going off to have fun with my friends and I was "never" there for the guy. (Why do I suddenly feel like old school BrahmaBull with this post full of percentages and stuff...lol...)
I like how you treat your introvert partner. I'm the introvert and have extravert partner....I wish he spoke to me...treated me this way....you being assertive what you'd like but leaving options open for both of you - down time/love time, and social time (which I do also love). I can see how the dynamic puts you somewhat in charge of your social life, and I respect the way you respect your differences and do that.
Just out of curiousity ...what type of board games do you play together? I've been looking for games for us. Thanks.
I like how you treat your introvert partner. I'm the introvert and have extravert partner....I wish he spoke to me...treated me this way....you being assertive what you'd like but leaving options open for both of you - down time/love time, and social time (which I do also love). I can see how the dynamic puts you somewhat in charge of your social life, and I respect the way you respect your differences and do that.
Just out of curiousity ...what type of board games do you play together? I've been looking for games for us. Thanks.
Thanks! I also do this because, since I've got teenage sons around, I know that unexpected stuff is also likely to pop up. So if I book too much social stuff, and he was really looking forward to some 1 on 1 quality time, and the kids need this and that, I want to make sure that neither of us is really struggling to get our needs met.
And a lot of the time it's just about keeping in mind what is really important for each of us, and respecting those needs as much for my partner as I do for myself. It is far better than existing in a power struggle where any person thinks that what they need is simply the right way, and crafting arguments about how the other person's needs are somehow wrong. I see too much of that in this board sometimes. As though anyone who has social needs should not attempt to be in a relationship because it has got to be one or another...really, no it doesn't. And it need not be a conflict. But that respect, as well as a healthy communication toolkit, are pretty crucial to making things work, since the odds of any of us finding a partner who is ONLY ever has feelings and needs that are 100% complimentary and convenient to whatever we ourselves need and want at any moment, is going to be, well...impossible. I think.
Board games! I've got some classics like Scrabble, we have Settlers of Catan (though we have not bought any of the expansions) and we've got an Indian version of chess called Chaturanga that I like, too (chess with dice!) Then there are the more complex ones with tons of bits and pieces, like the D&D themed Lords of Waterdeep and a personal favorite of mine, Wrath of Dragons. We've had a few tries at Mansions of Madness, which is one where you build the board as you go and there is an app that goes with it, and I honestly don't like that one as much. I think that if they improved the accompanying app, they could make it a much better game, but that's just my opinion. We also picked up Seven Wonders: Duel, which was very highly rated. We enjoy the pace and mechanics of that game, but I think I would prefer a more aesthetically appealing game, I'd almost like to redesign it with a different theme and craft (myself) a version identical in gameplay but prettier to look at. I feel that way about Catan, too, though. Love the game, but as an artist, I'd like a prettier interface with it. Whereas Lords of Waterdeep and Wrath of Dragons tickle my inner fantasy nerd and feature some nice art.
Boyfriend likes to research games at boardgamegeek.com before we buy. They give ratings and such.
I think you just made my point for me. If you don't get along with anyone but a single person on the planet, then it means you will eventually not get along with that person. I'm certainly not saying a person has to be buddies with everyone. But it speaks to having the social skills of a radish.
I think I get what you mean. I knew of a woman that dated guy, although he tolerated going out with her to a local bar/grill with live music where she had established friends...he'd kind of sit on the sidelines and not interact with anyone.
IT was as if he was tolerating that evening just to keep her happy. To some men, it's like waiting around on your wife to go clothes shopping. To them its an exact equivalent.
In fact, they would really be satisfying not making friends with his g/f or wife's friends.
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