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First I'd like to give a definition: Emotional honesty is when you are truly able to express your emotions and feelings to another. Emotional honesty requires emotional awareness. Emotional awareness is being tuned into what your true feelings are and what the true feelings are of others. It means you know yourself -very- well and can usually or often pinpoint and identify the source and nature of your most complex emotions.
In romantic relationships (including marriages of course), how emotionally honest are you?
Is it hard for you to be emotionally honest? Do you require this in a partner? Is it even important for you? Because I think it's important to be brutally honest with ourselves before we can be to others.
My feeling is that most people find it hard to be very open because they truly don't know what inspires their emotions or feelings so they aren't always able to pinpoint raw feelings.
I also think one of the biggest obstacles is that people are afraid to be vulnerable in relationships.
They feel that as soon as they make themselves open, they become weak for others to take advantage of, use or abuse. They feel they are too exposed for rejection and hurt so most people learn to put up defenses even if another person has proven to be trustworthy and genuine. I also think that when people are very open, it can be painful to learn the truth about self. No one likes to feel flawed, raw or weak. I especially think men in this society have a much tougher time being emotionally aware and honest. They feel that this is a sign of weakness and lack of masculinity. Men should supposedly not dwell on things, focus on the past or show pain, fear, hurt or anxiety.
Most people have found ways throughout life to evade unpleasant emotions and realities whether this means developing an addiction, taking on a false persona, avoiding close intimate connections that challenge their self-view and so on. So the average person lives life wanting truths swept under the rug so that they are "undisturbed".
Does anyone here also think there's a such thing as being TOO emotionally open? Should people be able to be very emotionally intimate with one another with both knowing all of the raw thoughts and feelings of one another? Is it wrong or even damaging to be so open? Even with yourself?
What do you think happens when you are completely emotionally open and aware?
Do you think that marriages often fail because of a lack of emotional honesty and awareness?
I like this thread. I think it depends on how mature the person is and how well they can self-assess themselves.
In my last relationship that ended about 6 months she didn't like to show what some would call weaker emotions, which created a situation where she hide the emotional honesty and instead lied to keep from showing that she was vulnerable. She was used to showing people how tough she could be b/c of the sh*tty things that guys did to her in past relationships.
So guess what? Relationship o-v-e-r b/c she thought that it was easier to cry and runaway and call it quits than to tell me that it was hard emotionally hard for her being apart from me. So you have a failed relationship that could have worked if she would have been honest and just dealt with what she was feeling.
So to answer your question, sure relationships fail b/c some people, especially those in their 20s enter into relationships not being totally away of themselves and what it takes to properly and effectively communicate about feelings.
Agree with yankeegirl, the best way is to just say what you need.
I am not emotionally aware at times, may not systematize and clearly state my emotions. Pinpointing raw feelings... they are raw, and they are feelings - not hard data.
I think this expectations is unrealistic, esp. from men.
I can honestly say that I am super-aware of my emotions and I tend to be TOO emotionally honest with my husband sometimes. For example, when we moved back to our hometown a few months ago, after a seven year absence, his best friend had run into my husband's ex girlfriend and she told him she wanted to come over and see us. (I worked with her, so she really does want to see both of us.) My husband asked me how I would feel about it and I told him that I would be okay with her coming by the house to visit, but would not feel comfortable if they started going out for dinner together or she just wanted to be alone with him. It would be too much for me, just as it would be for him if it were an ex of mine that wanted the same thing. It is not that I do not trust my hubby, but I would question HER motives if it became imperative they spent time alone together and it would make me jealous. I just figured it was better to be honest with him upfront rather than say "I don't care" and feel all those emotions (jealousy, self-loathing--for feeling like I couldn't trust him, etc.) anyway and have them build up into a huge fight. Personally, I think this is the reason our marriage works. It is about communication, but it is also about being honest with yourself and your spouse.
My feeling is that most people find it hard to be very open because they truly don't know what inspires their emotions or feelings so they aren't always able to pinpoint raw feelings.
This is the crux, Asym. One has to really try to go back to when they were children - when they were honest about how they felt. Most of our issues are no more complicated than the things that bothered us when we were small, but as adults we tend to complicate simple feelings. It's tough to acknowledge what one feels, but when one does, just say it. You can say, "I feel unloved/left out/scared when - or because - ....." But you have to know what you're feeling first.
Is it hard for you to be emotionally honest? Do you require this in a partner? Is it even important for you? Because I think it's important to be brutally honest with ourselves before we can be to others.
It would be ideal. I don't think it happens very often, though.
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[b]My feeling is that most people find it hard to be very open because they truly don't know what inspires their emotions or feelings so they aren't always able to pinpoint raw feelings.
I'm pretty aware of what inspires my emotions and feelings by now. Why I may not feel comfortable sharing it...? You answered your own question below:
Quote:
They feel that as soon as they make themselves open, they become weak for others to take advantage of, use or abuse.
Related to trust. You gotta trust somebody to let them know what is really inside your heart and head.
Kinda struggle with this. Although I'm a man I've never had any difficulties in expressing my feelings. This has included feelings which would "humble" me or strike a blow to my pride. It's not always been the wisest thing to do.
It takes a lot for two people to really trust each other to the point both are willing to expose themselves and to become vulnerable. I'm still hoping I'll find a woman with whom I can do this. Kind of hard, because I'm not the most malicious type (I do and have done some stupid things) but I'm not callous. So because of that it's hard at times for me to imagine that others could be deliberately hurtful or willing/able to betray my trust because it's not something I'd easily do.
It almost sounds like an excuse to get drunk and tell your SO why they are a douche bag.
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