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Hi. This is my first post here. I don't know who to talk to but found this website after trying find people with similar problems online. Sorry but this is super long and I just realised that !!
First of all, a little bit about me. I am a 42 year old lady, married for almost 4 years, together for 6. It is the first (and I hope only) marriage for both me and my husband, let's call him A. Around a month ago I confessed to my husband about an affair I had with my ex boyfriend (let's call him W). The affair lasted 6 months and was over for about a month before my confession.
W was my first ever relationship from almost 20 years ago. We met at college and dated for 3 years. It was almost the perfect relationship. Like me he is an emotional person, wears his heart on his sleeve. He is outgoing, well spoken, charismatic and was a leader in various college societies , and currently, professional associations. He 'gets' me, even with my frequently emotional and at times irrational ( or as my husband describes it, 'not logical') behaviour and decision making. Unfortunately back then I realised that we could never be together due to differences in religion . He is Muslim , though hardly practising but I suspected that if we would ever marry he would at least expect me to convert or observe specific traditions to keep his parents happy (he never said this but I suspected that it's what he wants. However he has since married and my fears seems unfounded). I was young and scared and broke the relationship off after graduating, saying that I had to move back home to be with my parents as an excuse.
Over the years I struggled to meet anyone, with only one other proper relationship before I met my current husband. I compared everyone I met with W and all of them paled incomparison. It was only 6 years ago I met someone I could fall in love with, my current husband. Like W, he is incredibly smart. We share the same love for travelling, food, current affairs and art house cinemas. However unlike W, A is very introverted and quiet. He doesn't like socialising and hates small talk.He reasons mainly with logic and rationale, and would always struggle with my emotive and 'illogical' decisions. He is also forgetful about anything I tell him , which makes me feel like he doesn't care at times. Having said that I would think that our marriage have been generally good, though obviously not perfect. He works hard and we are able to have a comfortable life without me having to really work. He cares for me and my well being , my safety.
Around a year and a half ago we moved back to the city where I went to college. When W found out he contacted me via Facebook. We agreed to meet for coffee, for old times sake. I thought it would be harmless as it was a long time ago but I was so wrong. The old feelings rushed back in. He was as attentive as before , hanging on to my every word and remembering all the details of our previous conversations..even my parents birthdays. One lunch time coffee meet became two, and three. Suddenly we were in secret relationship and it was just like the old days, the passion, the fiery emotion, the sex.
However after 6 months reality begins to set in. He would never leave his wife and kids and I don't want to leave my husband, who's done nothing wrong. I still love him. We called it off and for a whole month I was wrecked with guilt.
I finally confessed to my husband, and as expected there was a lot of anger and bitterness. I begged for forgiveness and even asked to see a councillor to help us through this. My husband is still too angry to consider that and even though he has never mentioned divorce, he did talk about how 'it's hard to trust me a see a future together'
Now he is telling me that he wants me to prove that I am truly repentant. He needs something tangible. Specifically he wants me to confess my affair to my parents, to W's wife and to my 2 best friends.
At the moment I am reluctant to do this for a few reasons. Firstly my parents are very conservative, traditional Asian parents with strong Christian values. I married at age 38 but I'm pretty sure that my mother believed I was a virgin up till my wedding night, even when I had 2 long relationships before meeting A, and we dated for 2 years before marriage. Telling them I committed adultery would crush them. To them, my extended family and some not so close friend I am 'Little Miss Perfect', which I am not and definitely not how I like to portray myself, but just happened as a result of being really private and guarded about my private life. My husband reasoning is that I had to do it for accountability. I am very close to my family and therefore would not want to hurt them again, especially if they know about my past.
I am also not sure if I should confess to W's wife. Yes, she has the right to know but I am just not sure if I should be the one to tell her, or if it is my business to tell her.
Lastly to tell my 2 best friends would essentially be telling everyone in my hometown and all my other friends. They are not exactly the best at keeping secrets. their husbands are worse and would definitely jump at the chance to expose 'Little Miss Perfect'.
I have expressed this to my husband but he is adamant that he wants these 3 confessions before he would even consider reconciliation and counselling. I know I deserve every shame I get but I think it would involve hurting others too. Do you think his conditions are unreasonable ? I don't know what to do and I don't want to lose him .
Now he is telling me that he wants me to prove that I am truly repentant. He needs something tangible. Specifically he wants me to confess my affair to my parents, to W's wife and to my 2 best friends.
That won't resolve anything.
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Originally Posted by Hummingbird250
I begged for forgiveness and even asked to see a councillor to help us through this.
Ha! Help "us" through it? You're the one who f****d up. You, alone, need to somehow make things right. But understand this: He will never trust you again.
At the moment I am reluctant to do this for a few reasons. Firstly my parents are very conservative, traditional Asian parents with strong Christian values.
You're reluctant to confess to your parents because they are conservative. Yet you were not reluctant to have an affair with your former flame even though you were married.
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I married at age 38 but I'm pretty sure that my mother believed I was a virgin up till my wedding night, even when I had 2 long relationships before meeting A, and we dated for 2 years before marriage. Telling them I committed adultery would crush them.
Seems like you have a habit of keeping lots of secrets.
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To them, my extended family and some not so close friend I am 'Little Miss Perfect', which I am not and definitely not how I like to portray myself, but just happened as a result of being really private and guarded about my private life. My husband reasoning is that I had to do it for accountability. I am very close to my family and therefore would not want to hurt them again, especially if they know about my past.
"Again?" It also seems like you have other equally important issues you need to have addressed beyond having an affair.
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I am also not sure if I should confess to W's wife. Yes, she has the right to know but I am just not sure if I should be the one to tell her, or if it is my business to tell her.
She deserves to know. You made it her business when you had an affair with her husband.
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Lastly to tell my 2 best friends would essentially be telling everyone in my hometown and all my other friends. They are not exactly the best at keeping secrets. their husbands are worse and would definitely jump at the chance to expose 'Little Miss Perfect'.
Then perhaps they really aren't your friends.
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I have expressed this to my husband but he is adamant that he wants these 3 confessions before he would even consider reconciliation and counselling. I know I deserve every shame I get but I think it would involve hurting others too. Do you think his conditions are unreasonable ? I don't know what to do and I don't want to lose him .
Does it really matter whether we think your punishment is fair? If you are going to come clean, then you may as well come completely clean. It's your decision on whether your marriage is worth keeping, or if your secrets are more important. You should be telling your husband what you are writing here, especially the ramifications of you confessing. Ask him what he thinks about your friends gossiping, what he thinks if your parents react very negatively, etc. These are consequences that affect him, too.
I think the marriage counseling should come first. If the therapist thinks the confessions are a good idea, then do them, but not before. If the therapist explains why this would be a bad idea, then don't do it. If your husband won't do marriage counseling, you should just file for divorce.
I absolutely disagree with your "punishment." It is not your place to tell W's wife, and telling your parents/friends serves no purpose but to humiliate and degrade you. Your husband is humiliated and he wants to humiliate you in return.
A tangible thing would be to cut W from your life completely - no contact, no Facebook, no texting, no LinkedIn, no contact whatsoever.
If he's going to divorce you, then he's going to divorce you, and he has a right to be angry, but you do not have to humiliate yourself publicly for his benefit.
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