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Hi, possibly a long first message so I'll try and keep it as short as possible. I'm looking for some marriage advise and thoughts. I'm a 36yr old guy and wife is 37, we have two kids who are 9 and 5. Been together all our adult life. We've lost all emotional connection, theres just no vibe, nothing in common and on her part gets filled with having a go. We've got nothing left to say and can't find a way of fixing it. We spoken openly about 8 weeks ago, but couldnt come to a conclusion, it kind of went in the too hard box. I'm struggling to be honest with my brain going round and round trying to figure it out. I acknowledge however it's not all about me hence the post title.
We either stick with it for the kids sake, but that shows them what a relationship shouldn't look like, or we move on. I think if we were honest and are both probably at the point where if they weren't here we would be done. On top of the emotional connection there is a lack of physical contact and If I connect the emotional issues to the same period as lack of intimacy then it's been going on for over five years now and we continually brush it away, play good house mates until next time. I fear we are like this now at 36 what will 46 look like.
From a household point of view we get on ok, we are perfectly civil, help each other out with cooking cleaning kids etc. We make ok house mates which makes the issue of separation harder.
The above, as I started, is somewhat condensed but that's the bones of it.
Where do we go from here....
I'll resume the ostrich pose and stick my head in the sand
Doing absolutely nothing about it is a choice you both made.
Do you actually want to fix things?
If yes, therapy, marriage counseling, etc. Some things are too big to muddle through as you've been doing for years now. How much longer do you want this to go on?
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderAcloud
Hi, possibly a long first message so I'll try and keep it as short as possible. I'm looking for some marriage advise and thoughts. I'm a 36yr old guy and wife is 37, we have two kids who are 9 and 5. Been together all our adult life. We've lost all emotional connection, theres just no vibe, nothing in common and on her part gets filled with having a go. We've got nothing left to say and can't find a way of fixing it. We spoken openly about 8 weeks ago, but couldnt come to a conclusion, it kind of went in the too hard box. I'm struggling to be honest with my brain going round and round trying to figure it out. I acknowledge however it's not all about me hence the post title.
We either stick with it for the kids sake, but that shows them what a relationship shouldn't look like, or we move on. I think if we were honest and are both probably at the point where if they weren't here we would be done. On top of the emotional connection there is a lack of physical contact and If I connect the emotional issues to the same period as lack of intimacy then it's been going on for over five years now and we continually brush it away, play good house mates until next time. I fear we are like this now at 36 what will 46 look like.
From a household point of view we get on ok, we are perfectly civil, help each other out with cooking cleaning kids etc. We make ok house mates which makes the issue of separation harder.
The above, as I started, is somewhat condensed but that's the bones of it.
Where do we go from here....
I'll resume the ostrich pose and stick my head in the sand
IMO the pursuit of happiness isn’t selfish. How can we take care of our relationships or contribute to society if we aren’t happy? BUT…you do have 2 small kiddos so IMO you have to at least try to be happy in your marriage….especially since you don’t talk about anything like addictions, abuse or cheating. edit: You can only do that tho if she feels the same way. You both have to want to be happy in the marriage again.
Have you tried a marriage counselor? Getting the help of somebody to get you guys communicating again…might be just what the doctor ordered.
3. Get away from the kids for a weekend and go on a trip somewhere. Get dressed up and go out together.
Or get a divorce. Your choice.
I do want to warn you about something though. We are creatures of habit. There is something wrong with both of you, not just her and not just you. However, you can't fix her - you can only fix you. If you don't fix whatever is wrong with you, you will take it into the next relationship.
You are both going to have to really work on yourselves and if you choose, your marriage. It's not going to be easy either way. When you get a divorce, you trade one set of stressors for another set - it's not like it's typically easier.
Thanks for the quick responses, much quicker and informed than I thought.
Do I want to fix it, yes I still would, but as above it takes two. I wouldn't of hung around this long if I didnt. I get those Google photos random images every morning and wish it was still like it use to be.
Counselling is mentioned a few times, and it's a non starter she won't entertain it, I had to start the conversation a few weeks back by going starting with a letter, but that's not new she's never been one to talk about this kind of thing.
I suggested it after we talked, with some other things like date night and having a night off - which we did, went to a spa and hotel night but didn't come to anything.
Have sex - well after five years of not doing, not holding hands, hugging anymore than you would if someone was leaving work for the last time and no kissing, I think sex would be something of a leap.
I acknowledge that I do need to find myself again, I once said to one of my friends that 'people go away to places like Thailand to find themselves, I would rather go away and loose myself, it's a far better adventure” right now finding myself sounds like an ok but scary kind of adventure. Especially when I've never been single since I was 16.
I don't want it to be about 'poor me' that's not where I am, but is being a 'nice' guy a 'nice' couple, in this case the entirely wrong thing..
Hi, possibly a long first message so I'll try and keep it as short as possible. I'm looking for some marriage advise and thoughts. I'm a 36yr old guy and wife is 37, we have two kids who are 9 and 5. Been together all our adult life. We've lost all emotional connection, theres just no vibe, nothing in common and on her part gets filled with having a go. We've got nothing left to say and can't find a way of fixing it. We spoken openly about 8 weeks ago, but couldnt come to a conclusion, it kind of went in the too hard box. I'm struggling to be honest with my brain going round and round trying to figure it out. I acknowledge however it's not all about me hence the post title.
We either stick with it for the kids sake, but that shows them what a relationship shouldn't look like, or we move on. I think if we were honest and are both probably at the point where if they weren't here we would be done. On top of the emotional connection there is a lack of physical contact and If I connect the emotional issues to the same period as lack of intimacy then it's been going on for over five years now and we continually brush it away, play good house mates until next time. I fear we are like this now at 36 what will 46 look like.
From a household point of view we get on ok, we are perfectly civil, help each other out with cooking cleaning kids etc. We make ok house mates which makes the issue of separation harder.
The above, as I started, is somewhat condensed but that's the bones of it.
Where do we go from here....
I'll resume the ostrich pose and stick my head in the sand
First, happiness is an awful thing to pursue. For happiness is a heady rush of endorphins. All happiness delivers is the need for more happiness, an endless pursuit of the next high.
We live in a society that sells us the false promise of happiness, that the next car, the next house, the next marriage, the next vacation is going to make us happy.
And it sounds as if you've fallen victim to that kind of thinking.
You don't want to pursue happiness. You want to pursue contentment. Contentment is the act of liking where you are and where you're going in life, acknowledging that you don't get to have every fantasy fulfilled, or every yearning satisfied, the minute you dream it up in your fevered imagination. That doesn't rule out aspirations. Instead, it's an appreciate of what you have versus what you don't.
So before you do something stupid, ask yourself the question, "Am I doing my part in creating a shared bond between two people?" If there's even a shred of hesitation on your part, then the answer is no.
I don't like the tired prescriptive that marriage is work, because that makes it sound like eating your vegetables. Instead, marriage isn't a matter of a few moments, but rather a thousand different conversations, steadily undertaken when the kids are sent off to bed and the chores are done. Not serious topics because, my God, that would make things tedious. But shared goals and experiences. Shared friends and jokes. Shared everything. Because the more you share together, the more you've created that elusive quality of connection.
So instead of having summit meetings, commit to just talking to your wife. My wife and I had three children. And the only rule we had was, one almost never broken was this: No matter what kind of day we had, no matter how tired we were, we shooed the kids out of the room, poured ourselves a glass of wine, and talked about our days.
And there were three subjects that were off limits: 1) Our jobs; 2) Our kids; and 3) Our household. Instead, we talked about our friends, something funny we noticed, a song we heard, just about anything.
Why? Because those are the reasons you got together in the first place.
OP, if you allow someone to bully or abuse you, it's your fault. If you allow yourself to be in a sexless marriage for 5 years, that's your fault. Having a good relationship requires that you make your partner satisfied, emotionally and sexually. You haven't done either. You reap what you sow.
All I can say is that happiness comes from within, not from outside sources- never expect another person to make you happy. That being said, marriage entails a certain responsibility to one another. Have you attempted counseling to discuss what you both would want out of the relationship or if you even would like to attempt to find intimacy again?
Thanks for the quick responses, much quicker and informed than I thought.
Do I want to fix it, yes I still would, but as above it takes two. I wouldn't of hung around this long if I didnt. I get those Google photos random images every morning and wish it was still like it use to be.
Counselling is mentioned a few times, and it's a non starter she won't entertain it, I had to start the conversation a few weeks back by going starting with a letter, but that's not new she's never been one to talk about this kind of thing.
I suggested it after we talked, with some other things like date night and having a night off - which we did, went to a spa and hotel night but didn't come to anything.
Have sex - well after five years of not doing, not holding hands, hugging anymore than you would if someone was leaving work for the last time and no kissing, I think sex would be something of a leap.
I acknowledge that I do need to find myself again, I once said to one of my friends that 'people go away to places like Thailand to find themselves, I would rather go away and loose myself, it's a far better adventure” right now finding myself sounds like an ok but scary kind of adventure. Especially when I've never been single since I was 16.
I don't want it to be about 'poor me' that's not where I am, but is being a 'nice' guy a 'nice' couple, in this case the entirely wrong thing..
I would still get counseling. The reason a lot of people don't want to bother with marriage counseling is learned hopelessness. They haven't had much success resolving issues with you and they are afraid that if they agree to go to counseling with you that you and the marriage counselor will team up on them and attack them.
But a lot of counseling is about learning how to resolve and manage maritial conflict more effectively. If you go into counseling by yourself and your wife see that you are improving in how you are addressing conflicts, that can be one of the things that can get them to join you in agreeing later to go to counseling.
John Gottman really goes into this in both of these books that you should be able to find at your library or just buy them. But I would seek out a Gottman trained therapist myself if I was in your situation.
. Especially when I've never been single since I was 16.
.
Wait, what? What does the bolded mean? You've always had a gf or wife, or you've been iwth your curent partner since you were 16? Have you guys been together for 20 years already, in your mid-30's?
It's not unusual for people to not find the same person interesting at 30, when they're (hopefully) more mature, than they did in their mid-teens. In some cases, they're a different person at 30 than at 16.
Why did you have a child 5 years ago, if you'd already grown apart by then? Was that one planned? Were either of them planned? Did you two have an agreement before marriage on what you wanted your lives to look like and what direction you wanted them to go in, or were goals, interests, priorities in life, etc. not discussed? Did you two get married because "it was the thing to do", or because you both loved each other and wanted to build a life together for yourselves and kids?
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