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Even though he's estranged from his wife, there's always going to be a bond between them due to having a son together. Obviously he hasn't chosen to sever that bond in order to be available to move on with someone else.
Why are they estranged?
Just pointing out here that you mentioned the sex a lot:
”off the charts good sex”
”long, drawn out, really amazing sex”
”another bout of awesome sex”
Even though he's estranged from his wife, there's always going to be a bond between them due to having a son together. Obviously he hasn't chosen to sever that bond in order to be available to move on with someone else.
Why are they estranged?
Just pointing out here that you mentioned the sex a lot:
”off the charts good sex”
”long, drawn out, really amazing sex”
”another bout of awesome sex”
Great sex is not a relationship.
I fully agree with this, even as a woman who was not at a certain point opposed to a no-commitment, "casual" fling...but I saw it for what it was, and I was real about that. I knew it wouldn't last. Which, again, is why that man didn't get to meet my kids or be anywhere near them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kansasbbq10
But what is he actually doing that’s the least bit detrimental to her? When we go out to dinner it’s not like we are having those toxic convos we always indulge in before sex. What my daughter sees would just be a friend with whom we meet up, right? If I bring an activity book or toy this guy tries to ask her about it and get involved
Yes he seems insane for telling me he will only go out with me if I don’t speak to other men even though he doesn’t want a relationship himself and is very emotionally unavailable
I can tell you what he's doing that is detrimental to her.
Let's assume for a moment that he is not a child molester, for the sake of argument...just for a sec... Even if he's the most wholesome fella in your gosh darn town, your daughter will be forming a bond with an adult who is not going to be around for good. So when he disappears from your life, which he WILL, it will be hurting her and disrupting her stability as well.
You wait, before introducing your daughter to a love interest, until you have been dating a while AND you feel confident that it's moving to a more lasting and meaningful relationship, AND after you have assessed the person's character and found it to be good. Fine and good for you to be the sort of woman who likes a good romp in the sheets, but your child does not need to meet your every playmate.
But the fact that he is more interested in being engaged and "involved" with your kid, than he seems to be with YOU, is what is sounding alarm bells. That isn't normal. Seriously, it is not.
I mean, let me tell you a little story. Years back when my kids were about 6-8 years old, a group in Seattle (near where we lived then) commissioned me to do some logo art for t-shirts. They were furries. I didn't know much about that, but money for art is a good thing so I went with it. When I delivered the art and received my check, the guy said they had a group getting together at the Zoo in the near future and invited me, they had a good group rate for the day. I took my kids and we went. We ended up wandering off away from the group and doing our own thing, my kids found the people with their fuzzy ears and tails amusing and assumed it had to do with dressing up fun for the zoo and that was that. Until the day that the group leader called me, and I took the call thinking that he might want more art or something and he started saying that the cool thing about being a furry was he could go to the park and play with people's kids, and then he started telling me how cute my kids were, and that he was having a birthday party at his house and wanted me to bring them.
EFFING NOPE. A grown arse man, with or without an animal costume, that I do not know really, really well has NO business specifically trying to spend time with my children. None. In fact, before I let anyone I was romantically involved with, or any paid babysitters, or literally any random adults, come into my home and be near my kids and spend time with them (like, besides school or medical professionals)...I paid for background checks on them. Like, just to make sure they weren't a sex offender or something.
I'd bet my next paycheck you haven't even thought of doing that.
It isn't about accusation level thinking that he (or anyone) IS a predator...it is a level of protectiveness that is part of YOUR JOB as the Mom. Frickin' stranger danger, ok? Now if this guy had been talking and acting towards you like he sees a serious relationship and a long term future in it, then I'd be a little more ready to assume he's perhaps envisioning himself in a parental role to this kid and trying to bond with her for good reasons...but I still would have checked his background. It doesn't cost much and it's a little peace of mind. But in this situation? No, sorry, dude would not be meeting my kids. The one partner I had when dating who was sorta like this (great sex, but the whole relationship was centered on sex and wasn't exclusive or committed at all)...that guy never met my kids and if he had asked to, he would never have seen me again. Would've been a red flag under the circumstances.
EFFING NOPE. A grown arse man, with or without an animal costume, that I do not know really, really well has NO business specifically trying to spend time with my children. None. In fact, before I let anyone I was romantically involved with, or any paid babysitters, or literally any random adults, come into my home and be near my kids and spend time with them (like, besides school or medical professionals)...I paid for background checks on them. Like, just to make sure they weren't a sex offender or something.
I'd bet my next paycheck you haven't even thought of doing that.
It isn't about accusation level thinking that he (or anyone) IS a predator...it is a level of protectiveness that is part of YOUR JOB as the Mom. Frickin' stranger danger, ok? Now if this guy had been talking and acting towards you like he sees a serious relationship and a long term future in it, then I'd be a little more ready to assume he's perhaps envisioning himself in a parental role to this kid and trying to bond with her for good reasons...but I still would have checked his background. It doesn't cost much and it's a little peace of mind. But in this situation? No, sorry, dude would not be meeting my kids. The one partner I had when dating who was sorta like this (great sex, but the whole relationship was centered on sex and wasn't exclusive or committed at all)...that guy never met my kids and if he had asked to, he would never have seen me again. Would've been a red flag under the circumstances.
I fully agree with this, even as a woman who was not at a certain point opposed to a no-commitment, "casual" fling...but I saw it for what it was, and I was real about that. I knew it wouldn't last. Which, again, is why that man didn't get to meet my kids or be anywhere near them.
.
But he has been in my life for almost 5 years the entire life span of my daughter.
But he has been in my life for almost 5 years the entire life span of my daughter.
Look, all I'm saying is that before someone got to have a place in the life of my kids, I wanted to know it was going to be reasonably long term, stable, and drama free. And pretty much as a general rule, the guy who gives you super amazing sex but is not willing to be bonded with you emotionally, who gets dressed and leaves as soon as sexytime has concluded, is NOT the person who is going to fit that role.
And I think that the confusion of roles and conflict of emotions is becoming emotionally unhealthy for at least the guy you're sleeping with, and that you are taking risks with your kid. As for your own state of mind, I can't speak to that, other than "yes I know you're enjoying having your socks knocked off in bed" which...hey, no shame, but you gotta know there's more to life. If this facet is making you choose to justify, rationalize, and ignore other things that are in fact cause for concern, the ride you're on is just gonna get bumpier until it goes off the tracks, crashes, and burns. And the more investment and connections you allow him to have with your kid and other elements of your life, the more collateral damage you are setting up.
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