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I’ve been out of my last relationship or situationship for about a year. It’s been 1 year since I last saw the guy and 7 months since I last spoke to him. I miss him even though he treated me badly. I often wonder if I deserved how he treated me because I made mistakes in my actions or if he was just a bad person or even narcissistic? However, I find that I still think of him and miss his company. There are days when these feelings are strong and days when I feel okay because I know I am better off without him.
Just a bit of background.
I was in a 3.5 year relationship with a guy whom my therapist suggested was narcissistic. During my time with him he never made any serious commitment to me. However, in the beginning he pursued me very vigorously and professed how much he wanted a serious relationship with me including marriage and children. I foolishly believed him. I recall things moved quickly especially intimately. I take responsibility for my stupid actions. I often felt that because we slept together quickly that he lost respect for me and that I deserved to be treated poorly. Basically, we never ended up being public about our relationship nor did I ever get to meet any of his friends or family. I noticed we didn’t go anywhere together.
When I confronted him about all the above he had explanations and reasoning for everything. I was told he didn’t take me around his friends because they were bad. According to him he had a criminal background which he had turned his life around and he didn’t hang with old friends. I believed this at the time because I knew he’d gone back to school for a degree in psychology and graduated and was working in the helping profession. Then, his sister allegedly lived out of town and his mom stayed ill. According to him his dad died. But, the problem I noticed was that he was always active on social media with other people, particularly women. I started being really direct with him about our relationship and even told him I had a friend that knew of him. It was true about my friend who had warned me about him and his penchant for hanging with strippers and night life.
Eventually I found out through his social media he was now dating and starting a relationship with another woman. When I confronted him he denied. He kept referring to the other woman as a friend. He tried to make me feel insecure by playing on my age and that I was too old to be acting that way. When I asked if he just wanted a sexual relationship with me he’d deny and say lots of nice things seemingly to pacify me. Whenever I left him he’d always reach out to express his care for me and how he wanted to work on things. Then there were times he disappeared for days or weeks out of the blue but would reappear again with the same story of missing me and wanting to work things out. This cycle repeated itself too many times for me to count over the years. Eventually I was able to break the cycle a year ago when I just suddenly cut him off. He reached out repeatedly for about 6 months to which I ignored him until one day I answered and told him to stop calling and he did. It’s been about 7 months since I last spoke to him and 1 year since seeing him.
It doesn’t matter what he told you, how he apologized or how many times he convinced you to take him back until he could find somebody he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
You just learned a lesson about actions speak louder than words. Now move forward and the next time you’re in a relationship, or Situation-ship with someone who you feel like isn’t valuing you very much, recognize that’s what exactly what’s happening.
Your problem is your lack of self respect. He's gone. That ship has sailed. Be glad you missed it. It doesn't matter if he was just not nice or narcissistic. Maybe he thought you weren't good enough, but that wouldn't make it true.
You have not said one good thing about him. Why continue to moon over someone that treated you poorly? He is in the past and his future has no bearing on your life now. You can sit around wallowing in self pity or you can move on. Your choice.
Plus, didn't you write almost this same whine a while back? Probably a different handle.
Note for anyone else who is ever reading this thread: you do not "deserve" for someone to treat you badly. If you are not a good partner and the other person is unhappy, their legitimate choice is to leave, not to hurt you, treat you like crap, use or manipulate you, etc. Even if you're a bad person, you may deserve for people to leave you/not get involved with you, but there is never a good excuse for them to treat you badly as an alternative to simply steering clear.
It doesn't matter, it's over. He's now with someone else and is about to get married. Save what's left of your self respect and block him. Never allow yourself access to him or vice verse. Accept you fell in love with a fantasy, mourn the loss, and find something else to do. Also please continue therapy and be brutally honest with yourself in the sessions. That will be the absolute best way for a professional to help you. Your self esteem and sense of self worth is dangerously low.
I’ve been out of my last relationship or situationship for about a year. It’s been 1 year since I last saw the guy and 7 months since I last spoke to him. I miss him even though he treated me badly. I often wonder if I deserved how he treated me because I made mistakes in my actions or if he was just a bad person or even narcissistic? However, I find that I still think of him and miss his company. There are days when these feelings are strong and days when I feel okay because I know I am better off without him.
Just a bit of background.
I was in a 3.5 year relationship with a guy whom my therapist suggested was narcissistic. During my time with him he never made any serious commitment to me. However, in the beginning he pursued me very vigorously and professed how much he wanted a serious relationship with me including marriage and children. I foolishly believed him. I recall things moved quickly especially intimately. I take responsibility for my stupid actions. I often felt that because we slept together quickly that he lost respect for me and that I deserved to be treated poorly. Basically, we never ended up being public about our relationship nor did I ever get to meet any of his friends or family. I noticed we didn’t go anywhere together.
When I confronted him about all the above he had explanations and reasoning for everything. I was told he didn’t take me around his friends because they were bad. According to him he had a criminal background which he had turned his life around and he didn’t hang with old friends. I believed this at the time because I knew he’d gone back to school for a degree in psychology and graduated and was working in the helping profession. Then, his sister allegedly lived out of town and his mom stayed ill. According to him his dad died. But, the problem I noticed was that he was always active on social media with other people, particularly women. I started being really direct with him about our relationship and even told him I had a friend that knew of him. It was true about my friend who had warned me about him and his penchant for hanging with strippers and night life.
Eventually I found out through his social media he was now dating and starting a relationship with another woman. When I confronted him he denied. He kept referring to the other woman as a friend. He tried to make me feel insecure by playing on my age and that I was too old to be acting that way. When I asked if he just wanted a sexual relationship with me he’d deny and say lots of nice things seemingly to pacify me. Whenever I left him he’d always reach out to express his care for me and how he wanted to work on things. Then there were times he disappeared for days or weeks out of the blue but would reappear again with the same story of missing me and wanting to work things out. This cycle repeated itself too many times for me to count over the years. Eventually I was able to break the cycle a year ago when I just suddenly cut him off. He reached out repeatedly for about 6 months to which I ignored him until one day I answered and told him to stop calling and he did. It’s been about 7 months since I last spoke to him and 1 year since seeing him.
Who left who? Either way, good riddance! I think your feelings stem from being codependent with him and that's why you allowed his behavior toward you and your relationship. I wouldn't trust his character and he will probably treat the new wife just as he did you. It may take some time but he will. But we should hope not, we should hope that he would get help for his issues but some people don't realize they are the way they are. The good thing is that you see it, you admit it, and of course you are going to miss him. If you have an old cankerous leg that hurts you all the time, if someone cut it off you'd miss it. But time heals. It does and I am living proof, as well as millions of other people are. What you miss are the peaceful times, the companionship, all of the things that will come to you later. You need to focus on "you" right now and let him go. When you are all healed and able to share your life with someone, then someone will come along. Good luck.
How he is working out with someone else isn't how he would be with you.
I hope you find some one that works for you.
Take any steps you need to separate yourself from him. Sell/donate items that were his. Delete pictures from your computer and social media that have him in them. Start anew. Maybe find some potential friends off of meetup.com for some hobby you like or are interested in.
Exercise.
Get stuff accomplished like work or finish a course that could help with your career.
Maybe volunteer for community service or at a convention if you like nerdy logistics type stuff.
You've done a really hard thing by blocking him, and not seeing him for at least a year. It was HARD, BUT YOU DID THAT! IMO, you are to be commended for that. And that tells ME that you do, on some level, recognize your worth, and that you deserve better.
I am going to assume that your therapist was onto something and this bloke is a narcissist in the DSM sense of the word.
Don't beat yourself up over it. You're not stupid and you're not crazy. Geniuses get taken in by narcissists every day. He targeted you because you have empathy and compassion, two things he lacks.
Oh, believe me, he's the same person. Narcissists don't change. It appears that things are glorious and happy because narcissists do their best to make it look like they're living the dream, but you can be assured that he's being just as emotionally abusive and manipulative with her as he was with you, only he's doing it in a different way, one that is tailored to whatever he sees as her particular weak spots. And now that poor woman will have to associate with him for the rest of her life one way or another because of the kid. It's the ultimate male narcissist stunt to knock a woman up (and the ultimate female narcissist stunt to get knocked up), as that assures them that there will always be someone there who has to deal with them because of the kid. In fact, he will probably leverage that kid against her one day.
Why, yes, I've been through similar. However did you know?
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