Struggling with a breakup. Still love her. (dating, wife, boyfriend)

[MapkycBG]

Hello everyone. This might be a long one, but I would appreciate everyone who reaches the end and gives their opinion on the matter. Thank you in advance.

So, the story between me and this girl began in 2018 when I met her. She was 15 at the time and I was 24. And no, I had no romantic or intimate feelings towards her at that point. I was dating someone at the time and I am not into this kind of thing.
I met her through her brother, with whom we studied together at the university in my hometown. Me and him became something like a "brother from another mother" bond.
Something peculiar happened when I met her though. As soon as we shook hands, an instant of electricity ran through my body and we stood frozen for like 2-3 seconds and then we went on with our day.
We occasionally kept in contact when we were visiting or when she was asking about her brother when he was in my hometown.

At the end of last year, we started chatting more often than usual and we became very close. They would visit me, or the other way around.
At the beginning of this year, me and some friends came to their city for a couple of days and we rented this awesome Airbnb place near their house. It was amazing. We drank, smoked, sang, laughed, and pretty much had an amazing time. Me and her were constantly flirting with each other.

I would like to add to the story, that she and her brother had a very rough childhood growing up. Their father is with a different family in a different country, and the only contact with him is the child support he sends monthly. Mother was in-and-out of the picture and the majority of their growing up was with their grandmother, who is a very toxic person. Her intentions are reasonable, but the methods are rather extreme and emotionally abusive.

She has handled herself since a little kid and she is very mature as opposed to other girls her age. (She is 19 now).

After that vacation we had in their city, me and her would not stop chatting and talking. I decided that I was going to visit them again next month as even before anything happened I wanted to live in their city as it is beautiful. I got the green light from work and went there on the 4th of February to search for a place. As I was searching, I rented the same Airbnb place as before, and she got a duffle bag of stuff and stayed with me for the time I was there. One of the reasons was, she had another huge argument with her grandma and she just wanted to get out of the house.

I found this amazing place near theirs and we celebrated with her by getting some drinks, food and having a beautiful day. The same evening we kissed. And forgive me for using the caps on this, but - OH DEAR LORD THAT KISS ! ! ! We instantly clicked, vibed, and synced. Nothing awkward at all and we pretty much sank into it. What she said afterward still hits me like a truck.
She shared with me the story about how we met and by that time, I haven't shared it with anyone as I did not feel the need to. She shared that the moment we met and shook hands, she felt the exact same electricity that I did. I just stared blindly into her eyes, because I was at a loss for words. From that point on, we were together.

I would like to point out that I was her first boyfriend and first in pretty much anything intimate. I had never pressured anyone into sex as It has never been my priority in a relationship.

We were together for 6 beautiful months. I know that in some people's eyes, it is not that long, but what she made me feel every single day, her understanding was magical. I honestly believed that she might be the One.

We've had talks about us, about the age gap (9 years), and one specific discussion that - if we come to a moment that we do not stand each other for whatever reason, we should sit down and talk it through. If we find a solution - awesome! If not, then at least stay friends, as she is an amazing person.

However, I've had past relationship traumas before, as I was cheated on, ignored, and disregarded, and that left scars that I unintentionally brought in this relationship. My insecurities, self-doubt, and emotions brought self-sabotage which in the end ruined our relationship. She lost attraction and she distanced herself emotionally and physically. And I understood perfectly why.
There were times that she would run from a more serious conversation, but I did not judge her for it, as it was her first relationship. I did not expect her to have all the answers or knowledge on how to act.

I am not saying that the breakup was completely my fault, as there are two people in a relationship. Her actions after it hit me very hard.

We broke up on the 3rd of August. The breakup itself was not bad. We talked, understood each other and at first, stayed friends. The bad things started happening after.

A few days after we broke up, I was walking home early in the morning as I was in a bar and was a little tipsy. My path home goes directly by her house and I saw her and some random guy sitting on the curb and talking. My emotions took over, and I asked her to the side - Who is this? What is going on? Not even a week after we broke up? She did not want to talk about it and I left. But I was hurt.. in my drunk and emotional state, I sent her a couple of angry messages, which I still regret. She said that this guy was a common friend of hers and her brother.

But I continued to see them almost every night as I was walking my dog or just being alone to clear my head. I told myself - I trust her, I trust myself and I will better myself, for myself.
I started going to the gym, quit smoking, quit drinking energy drinks, and pretty much concentrated on myself.

Her birthday was coming up and I bought her a tablet, on which she could use her imagination to draw designs for tattoos (as this is her dream) and fixed her laptop (reinstall windows and SSD upgrade). She loved it!

A week later as I was walking my dog again, I saw them on the opposite side of the boulevard in a little park.. kissing. And it was not the kiss that broke me, but her smile. A smile I'd only seen when she was with me. My heart broke and it hurt so much. I haven't cried like that ever since I got home. In my broken state, I sent her one final message. To summarize it - You are like the rest of the women out there. Wasn't this guy a common friend? Was everything a lie? Enough to say that I regret sending this message as well. I could have just kept it to myself. But the past is the past. Water under the bridge.

And sadly, it doesn't end here. As this happened, I decided to go back to my hometown to calm my mind, and not think about anything besides myself, my friends, and work. One evening, a week after I saw them, she texted me on Instagram and sent a screenshot of someone accessing her account there and on Facebook constantly. Every day, every couple of hours. And the bad thing is, it fits perfectly with the time she gave me her laptop to fix it. Even though my conscience is clear, it did not make me feel any better. I would never stoop to this level as to spy on her or anyone for that matter. But she believed it was me. And blocked me everywhere. I felt hurt, but I understood it from a logical point of view.

Two days after that, I returned back to her city as I wanted to continue living here. Besides everything that happened.

Last Friday night, out of the blue, she unblocked me on Messenger and started drunk texting me.. or more specifically - voice messages. At the start, they were cynical and bad, but as we texted, the tone kind of got normal. She was drunk, crying, and pretty much said how hurt she was over the things I said. And I understood it. The pain I was feeling was my own, due to my own unresolved trauma from the past. She did not deserve the hate I poured into my emotional state in these texts.

An hour after that I went out with my dog and I saw her outside near my building. She was pretty much wasted and was talking on the phone with that guy she'd been hanging out with. She went to get him from some bar/restaurant as he was drunk as well. I hugged her and told her to be careful before she got in the taxi. I did not want to let her go in that condition, but.. you understand.

Last Sunday, her kitten ran away, and she was pretty much broken. Her brother told me. They searched for it everywhere, but to no avail.

The same evening I sent her a message that I felt needed to be said. For transparency and you guys' understanding, the message is this:



Hey.. I found out what happened to Sissy (the kitten).. I'm so sorry.. I hope the little one pops out from somewhere because that's what kittens do.. Don't lose faith.. look for her in dark places.. You know what they are like. They are most active early in the morning and at dusk..
If she has any toys.. leave them in the yard.. a friend of Stoyan found his kitten like that. It had run away and apparently by the smell of the toy it came back..
Also, she's used to food and water at your place, so that's another reason for her to come back.. they're just curious..
No matter how much you don't believe it, I want you to know that I'll be there for you no matter what. Even if we have parted ways, I'll be by your side.
This shouldn't make you feel bad or guilty in any way.
This, too, I want you to know, I do not wish to influence your choice.
I don't say all this with hopes that you will come back to me.
I truly love you. With all my heart. And no matter what happens in our lives, it doesn't change anything. You will always be a part of me.
It's a promise I made long ago, and I intend to keep it no matter what.
Should you need something - to talk, to share, to be silent, to walk, to escape from reality.. and whatever else. I'm here. I'll be by your side. (As long as you ask for it)
But until then, I won't bother you. I want us both to be okay. Separately and mutually.
Thank you!

She just saw it and nothing else. No response. To be fair, I was not expecting anything, really.

A week after that she unlocked me on Instagram out of the blue but restricted it towards me.

So this is the end of the story here. I still love her dearly. I want us to give ourselves a second chance, but in reality, all that I can give her right now is time and space. I've had different opinions on the matter and it all boils down to the age gap and that she had no previous relationships besides me. That she needs to experience life. And I understand it perfectly.
However, the spark of hope in me still burns, hoping that she might reconsider at some point. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to sit around and wait for the call or green light. I am still focused on myself to be a better version every day.

Any opinion, criticism and advice on the matter is appreciated. Thank you for everyone who reached this point. Cheers!

[hawkeye2009]

Get over it. There are TONS of women out there- they are a dime a dozen. There are MANY women out there looking for a guy who works, has a sense of humor, is not jealous, treats them well, and is good conversationalist. This is probably one of the best times to be alive if you are a single male with even modest positive attributes, as MANY young males are immature losers who are stuck in adolescense.

Look at a "breakup" as God delivering you from a situation that would not have worked out. I have been married for 33 years, but had approximately 36 "breakups" before finding my now wife. I kept track as I thought I was on a world's record.

I was a pretty flexible guy and did not get too upset about "breakups", as I knew I could always easily meet someone else and looked upon it as an opportunity to broaden my horizons.

[Grlzrl]

Personally, I think you are both drama. All this drunk texting and back and forth? Healthy relationships are not this hard. Some people thrive on drama. When you are in the right relationship, you won't need all this drama. You won't make excuses for why you or the other person behaves like an a$$.

[ILTXwhatnext]

1) She's too young. Even though she's an adult now, she's only barely one. We act like 18 is some magic number...did you know the human skeleton isn't finished growing till about age 23? She's going to change a lot as she figures out what she wants from life. When I was a freshman in high school I wanted to be a photographer. My sophomore year I wanted to be a pharmacist. Junior year, something else. Senior year it changed again. That's typical...even in college people are changing their majors. And so it goes with other personal choices while maturing.

2) She's too young for you. People your age have already passed the high school years, the college years, and are in young, working adulthood. You two live in different worlds with different concerns and outlooks. Some say that brings spice to a relationship and opposites attract and all that, but I think that's the exception to the rule. The more you have in common the less you have to disagree about.

3) If you ask people to list what they're looking for in a spouse/mate/partner, they might list some physical attributes. Some like big butts or blond hair or people within a particular height range. They might also list some personality traits. Some want a person with a sense of humor or intelligence or of a particular religious attitude. Once you've compiled that list you may find someone who ticks many or most of the boxes, but it doesn't mean anything if you haven't ticked enough of their boxes. At her ages, those boxes aren't as set in concrete as they will be when she's had more experience, learns what does and doesn't work for her and so on. But if you don't meet enough of her wish list, then it won't work out. You can ignore those signals and convince her, but you may end up in divorce court later.

4) I believe you can meet the right person at the wrong time. Maybe 10 years from now, when she's 29 and you're 38 she will have caught up to you, will have had made some decisions about some of the same challenges, and it will work. The number of years of difference doesn't change, but it becomes less important as we get older. I think that's your best hope.

[E-Twist]

You are w-a-a-a-y too needy. You are filled with self pity - most unattractive. And you have the maturity level of a 14 year old. Stop drinking and using that as an excuse for acting stupid. Drunk is unattractive, too, except to other drunks.

You both need to grow up. She at least has an excuse for immaturity as she's only 19. She's at an age where age should be dating around. Butt out and let her enjoy herself.

[Suburban_Guy]

The OP is almost 30 years old and being played by a 19-year old and her silly games.

I agree with the above, both need to grow up but him especially. No other advice is needed.

[Driver 47]

TLDR, Have a couple drinks, dump her and enjoy newfound freedom.

[zentropa]

I'm sorry, OP I have to ask, was this a lesbian relationship? I was sure you were a guy until you got to the poetry, hysteria and kittens, but if you are female that might affect the responses.

[adamexe]

I realize that to you all of this seems very unique and dramatic but my man, it reads like a cliché youth love story. I'm not saying that to be dismissive, but you need to realize that nothing in what you described there is special grounds for trauma or long lasting pain. It's actually difficult to reconnect the things I read in this story with the fact that you're closing in on 30 years old. You're going to have to develop leather skin a little bit.

It hits because you were still high on the early stages of infatuation. You will get over it. Trust me.

Both of you idealized the other immensely, and your insecurities made your mask shattered first. Now you're very hurt because your idealization of her didn't have time to crack before she walked away. That's pretty much it. Sooner or later, it would've happened. The fact she was with someone else a week later makes that even clearer.

So don't beat yourself up for how you acted or failed to act during the relationship. You didn't act perfectly because you aren't perfect, and that's the end of it.

And it is true that the fact you had a large age gap and that she had no prior experience were also major contributing factors. Even if you had acted just perfectly, it's more than likely that she would've eventually started wondering how things could be with someone else. Or wanted to live her own experiences without someone waiting for her or tagging along.

It's over now. Stop clinging to her or hoping because all you'll do is cause yourself more pain and probably get yourself in trouble. She's much younger than you. Default assumptions about this relationship will often circle around the idea that it had to have some exploitative elements to it. So the day she gets in trouble with some other guy because of one of your texts, you'll be the older ex guy who won't leave her alone. And you know what? It'll be true.

And stop it with the "I'll always be there for you even if we're not together". No you won't. That's cheesy nonsense young lovers tell each other and it never sticks. I'll wager every single person on this board has once either thought that with great conviction or explicitly vowed it to someone, and bar those who are still married to that person or who have had children with them, you can just ask them how that's held. You might be too emotional to realize it yet, but the only reason you're thinking about that is because that's what you need to latch onto to keep some kind of link alive, in your mind, with her. To feel like you still have some reason to be part of her life.

You'll regain much emotional control by making the decision, by yourself, to put an end to this story than by hanging on and entertaining hope. You should be blocking her from everywhere yourself. So you don't skip a heartbeat every time you check your social media, hoping she might have texted you something. Because honestly, she probably will. Next time she gets drunk, or gets dumped by someone or randomly needs reassurance that she still has options, you'll receive some alluring sign. And I promise you it will never lead you to being back in a relationship with her.

This isn't happening. There is no magic moment coming that is about to make or break your potential future with her, as in, if you just pick up her desperate call right at this moment and say just the right things, it'll all resolve itself and she'll start coming back your way, but that if you miss it, your one chance will have gone to **** forever and now all that'll be ahead of you for your love life will be regret, misery and loneliness. Things don't work that way. There is no need to remain available "just in case" because the case doesn't exist.

[randomx]

Originally Posted by hawkeye2009

Get over it. There are TONS of women out there- they are a dime a dozen. There are MANY women out there looking for a guy who works, has a sense of humor, is not jealous, treats them well, and is good conversationalist. This is probably one of the best times to be alive if you are a single male with even modest positive attributes, as MANY young males are immature losers who are stuck in adolescense.

Look at a "breakup" as God delivering you from a situation that would not have worked out. I have been married for 33 years, but had approximately 36 "breakups" before finding my now wife. I kept track as I thought I was on a world's record.

I was a pretty flexible guy and did not get too upset about "breakups", as I knew I could always easily meet someone else and looked upon it as an opportunity to broaden my horizons.

36 break ups and married 33yrs since eh , well that should give a few people some hope around here.