[Serious] How do conventionally attractive women by western standards feel being put on a pedestal? (dating, married)

[superseiyan]

Is it strange? Weird? Empowering? Is it different sometimes? Uncomfortable? Is it something you don't even notice? Is it a myth? Have your views on this evolved over time? Think about when someone is nervous to ask you a simple question like directions. Or when people are speechless around you, or afraid to chat with you at a networking event. Or if you are ascribed superpowers--for example being held to impossible standards because of your looks, like "you are attractive, so there is ZERO chance that your house is not spotless clean ALL the time", etc.

This could also include, but is not limited to a dating & romantic context. Equally if interesting and less discussed is the day-to-day experience interacting with folks of ANY age and ANY gender, etc. Are your aunts and uncles making assumptions? If you're older how do teens react to you? If you're a college professor what's it like?


Note: 1) I do not mean fetishized or disrespected or discriminated against. I'm not minimizing or erasing any of that at all. It's just that, that's not quite what I'm asking for purposes of this thread. 2) I'm also not talking about Hollywood celebrities or supermodels or musicians.

[Sonic_Spork]

I don't think that I am quite attractive enough to answer this in full, yet I am attractive enough to speak to it in part.

In other words. I'm not so hot that everybody thinks I'm hot. Never have been EVERYONE's cup of tea. But. I'm attractive enough that those who are into me, can be really...REALLY...into me, and definitely with the pedestal effect, though that is very much related to the personalities of those individuals.

It has, in every instance I can recall noticing it, been a terribly bad thing for me, personally. I'm sure that there are women who love it...but I've never wanted to be worshiped or adored in a way that sets aside my actual (full and flawed and real) inner self, while magnifying focus on outer beauty and more than that, desire to have and keep me. A pedestal ends up being very much like a cage, and it's a cage where you can't really be human. You must exist to be the perfect solution to all of your devout worshiper's needs at all times.

In other contexts... My Mom thought I was so incredibly cool as a teenager that our relationship didn't feel so much like parent/child, as a cool, attractive friend with a less cool, less attractive, and lower self esteem friend. So effectively I did not have a parental figure in my life and I developed a kind of cool contempt for her in my behavior. None of this was a healthy situation.

Present day... I can be on the phone with my Stepmom and she sometimes says, "You're just SO intellectual" and I feel that the real meaning of this is that I am unrelatable and somewhat detached from normal people and reality, but it's couched in such a manner that I am supposed to take it as a compliment. If I ever were to question it, I'm sure she'd defend it as an intended compliment. But it sounds very passive aggressive somehow anyways. And more to the point, she will always talk about how calm I am when "anyone else" would be throwing a screaming, crying fit, and I personally think that she kinda feels like it doesn't much matter how I've ever been treated because I don't really have feelings...or maybe she tells herself that, I don't know. But because she insists on keeping me in this role as the unemotional intellectual, I don't feel that I am "allowed" to talk to her about things that have hurt me.

At its heart, I always feel like that's what's really going on with the pedestal effect. It is a declaration that someone only wants to deal with the idealized parts of you that make them happy, that make them comfortable. Not the whole you. Not the real you. If the perfect facade cracks, they will get UPSET.

[Auraliea]

At the risk of sounding full of myself and arrogant, I will answer with a disclaimer. I don't think my looks are that great but I have been told numerous times by others otherwise. My story is a bit of a.....unique one so I'll try my best.

I didn't always look the way I do now. I was a cute kid but a very awkward looking teenager. I didn't really fit in anywhere. When I was acknowledged it was a joke or other people didn't take me seriously. People my age didn't really pay attention to me outside of that. As a result I became extremely insecure, confused, and struggled internally. Things didn't start to change until I got into my senior year of HS. That is when the boys came and it got a little easier for me to make more friends. I think this was more of a looks AND personality thing because I'm generally a nice and friendly person.

Whether or not people are generally, "nicer" to me because I look a certain way, it's hard to say. Most of the time I don't pay attention. But there have been a few instances in my life where people around me have pointed out how "oblivious" I am to my own attractiveness to other people. To the point where my friends in college sat me down to point out how I was the center of attention of a bunch of guys at our school. I have also been pedestalized. When that has happened, I felt very uncomfortable and even resentful. Mainly because when it happens the people in question aren't seeing me nor letting me be myself. I've had a few guys convince themselves they were in love with me, simply based off an idea, as we had never spent any significant time together. At that point it becomes disturbing and I distance myself because of it.

I consider myself a "liminalist" and a walking paradox. I feel like I am in this weird gray area or limbo because who I am contrasts a lot with what other people expect. My looks come with certain stereotypes as I am a black woman. But look racially ambiguous which throws a lot of people off (that's another story). Since I'm considered attractive, people assume I have a ton of relationship experience, get hit on all the time, I'm married, etc. But that is the opposite from the truth. My capacity for attraction of any kind is extremely low. So therefore, I don't date. People find this strange as they think I could easily attract a partner. Which I can understand, but since I don't really feel those things, I don't feel the need to seek it out, and I've always been single.

I've been called a tease and a flirt because I tend to conversate with everyone, but I never let it go any further. I'm just friendly and playful. There are many unique struggles I deal with and I feel looking the way I do makes people see me as "less human." Because they're under this illusion that my life is going a certain way, when it's not. Due this, many of them may ask me weird questions in attempt to figure out what is "wrong" with me.

[superseiyan]

Originally Posted by Auraliea

I consider myself a "liminalist" and a walking paradox. I feel like I am in constant gray area or limbo because who I am contrasts a lot with what other people expect. My looks come with certain stereotypes as I am a black woman. But look racially ambiguous which throws a lot of people (that's another story). Since I'm considered attractive, people assume I have a ton of relationship experience, get hit on all the time, I'm married, etc. But that is the opposite from the truth. My capacity for attraction of any kind is extremely low. So therefore, I don't date. People find this strange as they think I could easily attract a partner. Which is true, but since I don't really feel those things, I don't feel the need to seek it out, and I've always been single.

Appreciate your honest answer .

The assumptions thing is interesting and I've seen sometimes it can come up in weird ways as you note. That's what I was partly wondering about with my apartment example i.e. "wait, you mean your apartment is not spotless and perfectly coordinated like a West Elm show room all the time"? Implicit is "you are stunning" = "of course she is perfect in everything", and I wonder if that comes with implicit pressure to project one's life in certain way. Not even just in terms of looks, but one's entire lifestyle is expected to be as perfect as the individuals 'looks'.

[fleetiebelle]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

At its heart, I always feel like that's what's really going on with the pedestal effect. It is a declaration that someone only wants to deal with the idealized parts of you that make them happy, that make them comfortable. Not the whole you. Not the real you. If the perfect facade cracks, they will get UPSET.

And, too, the women up on that pedestal are up there because the men who put them there want something from them. Men don't buy a woman a drink because they think she looks thirsty, it's transactional.

[snerk]

In my 30s and 40s, I put a lot of effort into my physical appearance. I don't consider myself ever to have been a super model or anything, but I guess I peaked in my 30s because I was not cute in my younger years. Holy smokes, the 80s were a rough time for me. Ha.

A couple instances stand out in my memory- one was when I was pumping gas at a station on the outskirts of Chicago. A car full of young men pulled up next to me and told me I was "fierce" and were full of compliments. They didn't come across as disrespectful or threatening in any way, so I smiled and thanked them.

Yet another time, a man approached me from behind and grabbed my arm, startling me in a parking lot. He asked, "How does a guy like me get a girl like you?" And I had to slowly back away because of the ridiculously forward nature of it. I can't believe he didn't think of the ramifications of doing something to a stranger. I am 5'9, but I often thought about all the times I would have been truly frightened for my safety if I had been a petite woman who was easily lifted off the ground.

I used to go to a local club and I somehow "won" free entry every single week. I never once paid to get in the place, so I guess that was one perk of being all fancy. Free drinks, too. But it always felt kind of icky. Like something was expected of me. I'm sure I disappointed quite a few people... like fleetiebelle said... transactional in nature.

On a girls' night out, a man approached me and started making sexual comments. I told him I was married and not interested. Then he grabbed my face and told me that I was "probably a drag queen, anyway." Some men really don't care for any rejection, whatsoever, even when it's done nicely. There were many times I felt very uncomfortable by the attention, especially because I didn't ask for it, was just minding my business, and wanted to be able to just move through life unimpeded. But, for some reason, if you dress a certain way, people do assume that you want to be approached and given attention.



Today, at age 54, I go out makeup-free and do not "dress to impress." I do not care what anyone thinks of my appearance and I feel much more free. I used to think it was empowering to look a certain way- high heels, skirts, hair highlighted, makeup perfect. But now that I don't do that anymore, I feel much more authentic. I was recently at a convenience store and the clerk gave me the funniest backhanded compliment. She mumbled when she said my total and I jokingly said, "Don't get old. You lose your hearing." She looked at me and said, "You don't look THAT old." Of course, she was in her 20s, so I suppose to her, I am ancient.

I got cat-called in my own driveway last week and it made me feel nothing but angry. I was loading things in my truck while wearing shorts, rubber boots, and a T shirt. A truckload of men or boys drove by and whistled. Whether it was sarcastic or not, I don't know and I don't care. It's always been irritating and makes me wonder what is wrong with those people. It's just so bass-ackward, no matter who does it.

[Sydney123]

It’s a tough job….. but somebody has to do it.