Is it normal for a married person, specifically a manager to open flirt in front of others at work? (dates, wife)
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I am just curious. My boss and I did not get along at first. He is a director and I his assistant. To my knowledge he is a married man however he never talks about his wife and his tons of photos of his kiddos but only one of his wife. I have a hard time trusting myself to due to a previous abusive relationships but started noticing things. At first they were really subtle, but then slowly became overt. He would constantly stare at me and I would just ignore him. Then one day he came by my office and looked me up and down. Another time he came by and stared at me as he bit his lip. He would hand me paperwork and then refuse to let go.
Then things started escalating where he would do certain things in front of other colleagues and management team, like always standing close to me and joking with me in meetings when it was not appropriate and blushing. It is to the point that other people give me nasty looks because of his affections as they think I am sleeping around with him when I am definitely NOT. I have tried to pull away from him and create distance but when I do he goes into hot pursuit and will literally follow me in the office. For example, if I try to avoid interaction, he will leave his desk when I leave mine and he is always behind me. When I try to continue to create distance he gets even more aggressive. If I talk to my other male coworkers he acts extremely jealous and since he is their boss if they are talking to me and see him, they will go the other way.
The most recent thing that made me think twice about all of this is when we had a meeting in our conference room and there was plenty of space and I ended up next to him. I had to assist him with something on his computer and while there was plenty of space he rubbed his leg against mine. I just sort of froze up because I didn't know what else to do.
Is it common for married people with a lot to lose to behave like this in front of other directors and management team?
I am just curious. My boss and I did not get along at first. He is a director and I his assistant. To my knowledge he is a married man however he never talks about his wife and his tons of photos of his kiddos but only one of his wife. I have a hard time trusting myself to due to a previous abusive relationships but started noticing things. At first they were really subtle, but then slowly became overt. He would constantly stare at me and I would just ignore him. Then one day he came by my office and looked me up and down. Another time he came by and stared at me as he bit his lip. He would hand me paperwork and then refuse to let go.
Then things started escalating where he would do certain things in front of other colleagues and management team, like always standing close to me and joking with me in meetings when it was not appropriate and blushing. It is to the point that other people give me nasty looks because of his affections as they think I am sleeping around with him when I am definitely NOT. I have tried to pull away from him and create distance but when I do he goes into hot pursuit and will literally follow me in the office. For example, if I try to avoid interaction, he will leave his desk when I leave mine and he is always behind me. When I try to continue to create distance he gets even more aggressive. If I talk to my other male coworkers he acts extremely jealous and since he is their boss if they are talking to me and see him, they will go the other way.
The most recent thing that made me think twice about all of this is when we had a meeting in our conference room and there was plenty of space and I ended up next to him. I had to assist him with something on his computer and while there was plenty of space he rubbed his leg against mine. I just sort of froze up because I didn't know what else to do.
Is it common for married people with a lot to lose to behave like this in front of other directors and management team?
In my limited experience it isn't common. He is behaving unprofessionally. His marital status means NOTHING! Continuing to make little unwelcome advances to a coworker, whether in front of others or not, is inappropriate. Sexual harassment in the workplace is defined quite specifically and usually depends on a pattern of behavior. First thing I'd do is look up your employer's sexual harassment policy. It will be educational and you'll know if what you're dealing with meets the criteria.
You need to stop letting it pass. Speak up! Tell him his behavior is embarrassing, disrespectful, and makes you uncomfortable. Gather your thoughts, rehearse if necessary, and keep it calm and professional. Then keep on telling him. Remember, this isn't just about sex, it's about power.
If he doesn't stop, contact HR and be prepared to substantiate a complaint. There should be a formal procedure. If there's a toxic workplace culture you can take it further. Check this out:
I am just curious. My boss and I did not get along at first. He is a director and I his assistant. To my knowledge he is a married man however he never talks about his wife and his tons of photos of his kiddos but only one of his wife. I have a hard time trusting myself to due to a previous abusive relationships but started noticing things. At first they were really subtle, but then slowly became overt. He would constantly stare at me and I would just ignore him. Then one day he came by my office and looked me up and down. Another time he came by and stared at me as he bit his lip. He would hand me paperwork and then refuse to let go.
Then things started escalating where he would do certain things in front of other colleagues and management team, like always standing close to me and joking with me in meetings when it was not appropriate and blushing. It is to the point that other people give me nasty looks because of his affections as they think I am sleeping around with him when I am definitely NOT. I have tried to pull away from him and create distance but when I do he goes into hot pursuit and will literally follow me in the office. For example, if I try to avoid interaction, he will leave his desk when I leave mine and he is always behind me. When I try to continue to create distance he gets even more aggressive. If I talk to my other male coworkers he acts extremely jealous and since he is their boss if they are talking to me and see him, they will go the other way.
The most recent thing that made me think twice about all of this is when we had a meeting in our conference room and there was plenty of space and I ended up next to him. I had to assist him with something on his computer and while there was plenty of space he rubbed his leg against mine. I just sort of froze up because I didn't know what else to do.
Is it common for married people with a lot to lose to behave like this in front of other directors and management team?
Your manager's behavior goes far beyond flirting. Married or not; father or childless this is highly inappropriate behavior by your boss. It's gross and needs to stop.
I'm not sure how your office politics roll, but I'd nip this crap as soon as you can. Going to HR might not be enough even with a harassment policy in place, I'm sorry to say, but you do need to report this as soon as you can to get it on written record , continue to put as much distance as you can between the two of you, and never, ever be alone with him in a place with a space with a closed door that could give him any sort of privacy to up the ante (and he will--guys like him are boundary pushers who get off on making people uncomfortable). Keep as close as you can to other coworkers be they male or female; using them as a visual barrier between the two of you. If he continues to make inappropriate or off-color comments in front of others, call him on it. As difficult as it might be to do the latter, if you don't, both he and others in the office will think that you're okay with it. Remember: silence gives consent; he's taking advantage of your subordinate position and the fact that you've been abused in the past. (Even if he doesn't know the details, guys like him seem to be able to sniff out people who they themselves can abuse/harass in some manner.)
It also might be worth looking up your workplace on Glassdoor, etc., to see if there are any past complaints made by both current and former employees that involve similar behaviors.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this in a place that should be a safe space form this sort of nonsense.
Step 1. Act NOW. The longer you stretch this out without doing anything, the more it will encourage him to continue and escalate.
Step 2. Brush up the resume and start looking in earnest.
Step 3. Document everything, even anything electronically that might implicate him.
Step 4. Most importantly, TELL HIM the next time he does something that makes you uncomfortable, in a professional manner.
Step 5. If behavior continues, then escalate to his boss or HR (about one of the few times it would be acceptable to go to HR as sexual harassment is something I'd think they would not want to deal with). Also look into the EEO or other such groups, and possibly even an attorney.
In my limited experience it isn't common. He is behaving unprofessionally. His marital status means NOTHING! Continuing to make little unwelcome advances to a coworker, whether in front of others or not, is inappropriate. Sexual harassment in the workplace is defined quite specifically and usually depends on a pattern of behavior. First thing I'd do is look up your employer's sexual harassment policy. It will be educational and you'll know if what you're dealing with meets the criteria.
You need to stop letting it pass. Speak up! Tell him his behavior is embarrassing, disrespectful, and makes you uncomfortable. Gather your thoughts, rehearse if necessary, and keep it calm and professional. Then keep on telling him. Remember, this isn't just about sex, it's about power.
If he doesn't stop, contact HR and be prepared to substantiate a complaint. There should be a formal procedure. If there's a toxic workplace culture you can take it further. Check this out:
Consider asking unwilling witnesses to these embarrassing little gaffs for statements. No one else should have to put up with his behavior either.
I would only tolerate such familiarity from someone I have had a very long secure relationship with but I wouldn't accept it in front of co-workers.
The thing is that I am very scared to go to HR. From what I can tell and see in the realm of office politics, he has quite a bit of pull. He also portrays himself as a family man so it is basically my word against his. On top of that, he has been smart enough to never say anything. Most of everything has been looks, gestures, and an extreme familiarity with me when we are in meetings with external stakeholders. The way he treats me is almost like we are in a relationship which is extremely weird. The possessiveness can be a bit much especially around other male coworkers. He even gets offended if I do not sit by him.
In a meeting I sat in a chair that and left some space between us so that seat was empty. I guess he got upset by this so he picked up the chair and moved it eliminating that space. It was very awkard. My thing is that if he is brave enough to do this stuff in meetings etc., is HR really going to be super helpful.
I co-worker of mine said when he sat in on one of the HR sexual harassment videos, and saw the pic of a guy putting his hand on a woman's thigh, the HR person asked, "What's about to happen here?"
He said, "Looks like she's about to get a raise!" Everyone busted out laughing, but the HR person yelled at him for making that remark. LOL
No, it's not normal for a married person, especially a manager to open flirt in front of others at work. Have you talked to your coworkers? I found we can sometime get in our own heads, meaning we interpret certain actions a particular way when that may not be what is taking place. Seeking an outside opinion helps in determining if he is flirting or his actions are being misconstrued. If he is flirting, surely your coworkers will see it the same. Some may have been at the receiving end of his flirtation at some point, which could help you if you need to go to HR.
If he is flirting his actions are unprofessional and need to be addressed immediately, especially with the power dynamics (superior/subordinate) at play. You may wish consult with an employment attorney (consult not retain), who can give you advice. Sexual harassment claims are tricky and unfortunately, can stall a career since other members of management will no longer trust you. Everyone will try to protect themselves.
In my limited experience it isn't common. He is behaving unprofessionally. His marital status means NOTHING! Continuing to make little unwelcome advances to a coworker, whether in front of others or not, is inappropriate. Sexual harassment in the workplace is defined quite specifically and usually depends on a pattern of behavior. First thing I'd do is look up your employer's sexual harassment policy. It will be educational and you'll know if what you're dealing with meets the criteria.
You need to stop letting it pass. Speak up! Tell him his behavior is embarrassing, disrespectful, and makes you uncomfortable. Gather your thoughts, rehearse if necessary, and keep it calm and professional. Then keep on telling him. Remember, this isn't just about sex, it's about power.
If he doesn't stop, contact HR and be prepared to substantiate a complaint. There should be a formal procedure. If there's a toxic workplace culture you can take it further. Check this out:
Consider asking unwilling witnesses to these embarrassing little gaffs for statements. No one else should have to put up with his behavior either.
I would only tolerate such familiarity from someone I have had a very long secure relationship with but I wouldn't accept it in front of co-workers.
There's an important point here, OP. You may not be able to imagine speaking up to him, but the thing is--he's counting on that! He's counting on you being too meek or embarrassed to say anything. He's taking advantage of your subordinate status to him, to get his thrills and see how far he can go.
Now, if you do speak up to him, and he gets retaliatory in some way, or suddenly stops giving you assignments and tries to marginalize you, or you get a lukewarm or worse performance review when that time comes, you'll have to go to HR.
Your employer may have an ombudsman for employee sexual harassment you could counsel with. Some employers do have such a designated person. This is different from going to HR. The ombudsman (often a woman) can advise you, and would keep a record of the issue, but wouldn't report it to anyone. All this does is start a paper trail (important if you do later have to open a case w/HR), and gets you some good advice. You may be told you need to speak up to your super and draw a line.
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