Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I realize that marriage is not supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies. I understand there will be hard times and fights and I'm sure staring at the same person every day for years and years gets old and boring. It seems like so many people are getting divorced these days...what is the divorce rate at? over 50% now?
I'm a 24 year old female in a serious relationship. I need to know that it is possible in this world to be HAPPILY married FOREVER. My parents are still together (almost 30 years)- they don't fight but they're a bad example because they have a cold relationship. I see people that have been together for 25+ years leaving each other and it is very disheartening.
I don't want to get married if divorce or unhappiness is inevitable. I don't ever want to fall out of love with my man, or him with me. Is that an unrealistic expectation?
Is there anyone out there that is still in love with the person they married after many many years? I'd love to read some positive stories about happy couples.
Thanks in advance for sharing.
Marraige is about hard work, sacrifice, and compromise. As you said, "not supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies"
I think the person you choose to marry is the most important descision you will ever make. No question. You have to follow your heart but you also need to use your brain. If this person isn't exactly who you want today he/she may not...most likely will not improve.....and may even drift further away from what you consider to be ideal.
I think everyone has a perfect mate in mind but if you're reasonable you'll accept that no one will ever achieve this level of perfection. No one will ever fit into your mental mold. So you have to take the good with the bad. You have to say to yourself 'I see this person's faults and I can (or cannot) accept them.' And that person has to look at you and accept that you have faults and he/she has to be willing to accept them (or not).
Too many people get married with the idea in mind that they can change the other person in the marraige if they see something the don't like. People don't change. People may deviate from their life slightly but people, deep down inside, do not change. I haven't changed a bit since I was in high school. I'm certainly more experienced with life but I haven't really changed at all. I have the same natural tendencies that I have always had. Nobody is going to change that. As a result of people trying to change their partner in marraige they get frustrated and quit and/or do something to selfdestruct the marraige.
I don't think there ever is any 'happily ever after'. Unless you have a very loose definition of 'happily'.
I realize that marriage is not supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies. I understand there will be hard times and fights and I'm sure staring at the same person every day for years and years gets old and boring. It seems like so many people are getting divorced these days...what is the divorce rate at? over 50% now?
I'm a 24 year old female in a serious relationship. I need to know that it is possible in this world to be HAPPILY married FOREVER. My parents are still together (almost 30 years)- they don't fight but they're a bad example because they have a cold relationship. I see people that have been together for 25+ years leaving each other and it is very disheartening.
I don't want to get married if divorce or unhappiness is inevitable. I don't ever want to fall out of love with my man, or him with me. Is that an unrealistic expectation?
Is there anyone out there that is still in love with the person they married after many many years? I'd love to read some positive stories about happy couples.
Thanks in advance for sharing.
I wish I could give you some. My wife and I are edging up on one year, so we don't have "many many years" to draw upon. The couples I've encountered who have "many many years" and are still happy with each other are very few and far between... that being said, I really don't know exactly what their secret is because I'm not tremendously close to them. In my family, my mom is one of 7 and my dad is an only child. Taking just my relatives from one generation above me, there are six marriages (one uncle died in a car accident 30 years ago). My parents and all of my blood-relative aunts and uncles are married. Of those six marriages, three are not first marriages and three are. Of the three first marriages, one is very cold, one is at about the 50-year mark and seems happy although I've been around them enough to see some problems that had to have been around since day one, and one appears unabashedly happy.
The three uncles who are married for the second time (or beyond) appear to be happy in their marriages right now even though I imagine one had a good amount of weirdness for quite some time.
My aunt/uncle who are still on their first marriage have been together for 50 years (married for 40-some), and have endured unspeakable tragedy in their lives. Of their three children, the following happened in chronological order: one died at 17 when he flipped his car while drunk, one became a lesbian, and one's husband dropped dead of a heart attack at age 37 after she'd waited for so long to find the perfect man and her skies seemed bright blue up to that point. Something tragic happened to every one of their children (sorry to all ye who think that becoming homosexual isn't tragic... when you're Christian and your kid says she's homosexual, to you it's a tragedy)... and yet they're still happy and strong. I suppose it helps that they are well off, financially... but that's only because he's been a hard worker his whole life. They're 63 years old and although they look it, they don't act it... they're still very young 63-year-olds. Their secret, if I had to take a stab at it, is God. They have God in their lives... they're stronger Christians than any other couple in our family from that generation... and they've always been committed to staying together and working things out. Say what you want to about religion... it's the most religious couple in my family that is the happiest... despite how they've endured many times the tragedy that any other of my aunts/uncles has endured.
I have no idea what makes a lasting marriage... my wife and I are still happy together despite the fact that this year will probably go down in history as "the year from hell"... of course, the factors causing it to be "hell" aren't all within our marital relationship, but that's beside the point. What I do know is what makes a crappy marriage, and I have decided to avoid that. Here is my list of what I believe makes a crappy marriage... and I would strongly urge anyone to avoid these things AND avoid marrying anyone who would causes any of these conditions to exist within the marriage:
1) Incompatibility. So many people get married when they really won't have a good relationship easily... for who knows what reasons. Sometimes they're desperate, sometimes they've created a child, whatever. That being said, incompatible people can usually adapt and get along... but that still doesn't necessarily make them compatible. They'd often have to seek compatibility from people outside the marriage, which would cause them to spend less time together. I can't imagine how that wouldn't become boring.
2) Unwillingness to listen. Problems can fester anytime, anywhere... and they can be stomped out easily if both people are willing to listen to each other. Nothing makes a problem worse than when one brings it up and the other immediately goes on the attack.
3) Unwillingness to solve problems. Problems don't go away just because you want them to. Marital problems are like car problems... sometimes they may seem to disappear, but you know that they haven't been magically fixed and eventually they're going to pop up again, most likely in a worse form and at a worse time than before.
4) Unwillingness to step out of the comfort zone. We all have our comfort zones and one is not identical to another. I'm not suggesting that people be reckless... I'm suggesting that they try things that they may not have tried in the past, purely in the name of making their spouse happy.
5) Unwillingness to achieve a true compromise. Compromise is not "I get 90% of my way and you only get 10% of your way". You have to meet in the middle. Compromising usually sucks for each person individually... but what's worse... giving up some of what you wanted for yourself, or giving up the peace and harmony in your marriage? One would think that you ought to want that last one more than whatever it is you'd have to sacrifice in order to get it!
6) Marrying someone believing that you'll be able to change them after marriage: Yeah. Get real.
I've been married 29 years. As my grandmother used to say "Happiness is a choice". In marriage, one you have to work at. Unfortunately, working at a relationship doesn't fit many people's definition of happily ever after.
Personally, I'm convinced that any two people who want to be in love with each other can be. My mom used to say "Walk the walk and soon you'll talk the talk". Act as if you are happily married and, in time, you will be. I know it sounds trite but think about it. If you treat your spouse like you're in love with him/her and he/she treats you like they are in love with you, you'll end up both feeling very loved and giving love.
Things go wrong when you stop working at it. When you expect relationships to meet your needs and stop focusing on meeting the other person's needs.
I've been married 29 years. As my grandmother used to say "Happiness is a choice". In marriage, one you have to work at. Unfortunately, working at a relationship doesn't fit many people's definition of happily ever after.
Personally, I'm convinced that any two people who want to be in love with each other can be. My mom used to say "Walk the walk and soon you'll talk the talk". Act as if you are happily married and, in time, you will be. I know it sounds trite but think about it. If you treat your spouse like you're in love with him/her and he/she treats you like they are in love with you, you'll end up both feeling very loved and giving love.
Things go wrong when you stop working at it. When you expect relationships to meet your needs and stop focusing on meeting the other person's needs.
I do agree with you that happiness is a choice. And I too have heard your mothers advice, I just can't agree that it is always possible.
It is one thing to love a person, and married people should always act in loving ways. But if you are not in love with the person, if the chemistry is just not there, you are shortchanging yourself and your spouse if you pretend to be in love with them for years and years. Even if you succeed in pulling it off and deluding everyone, YOU know in your heart you aren't with the right one. Life is too short to continue this charade just so you can say you stay married.
I do agree with you that happiness is a choice. And I too have heard your mothers advice, I just can't agree that it is always possible.
It is one thing to love a person, and married people should always act in loving ways. But if you are not in love with the person, if the chemistry is just not there, you are shortchanging yourself and your spouse if you pretend to be in love with them for years and years. Even if you succeed in pulling it off and deluding everyone, YOU know in your heart you aren't with the right one. Life is too short to continue this charade just so you can say you stay married.
The trick is you both have to want it.
Don't mistake chemistry for love. Love isn't some squishy feeling you get when you're around someone. It's a deep caring for another person. Putting their welfare above your own. If you're looking for chemistry, you're looking to fullfill some need in yourself. Love looks outward not inward. Love is serving not self serving.
I'm not talking about pretending to be in love. I'm talking about treating the other person like you are in love with them. No pretending required. Do that, and soon you will be. We can either look to our relationships to be self serving and watch them fall apart or serve our relationships and watch them grow. It's a choice.
When dh and I went through marriage counseling, the best thing the counselor told us to do (actually him but I took it up too) was to do three things a day just because you know the other person will like it and keep doing it even if they show no appreciation. In essence, he told my husband to walk the walk. I recognized that for what it is because I grew up with my mom telling me to do that.
It really does work. If you start behaving like what you want is true, it happens. Well, when both of you do it anyway. It's still possible for one party to check out and you can't do much to bring them back. This has more effect on how you feel than how the other person feels. When you start looking for ways to show love to the other person, it really makes sense that the love you feel for that person increases. We don't do nice things for people we don't like. As my daughter's piano teacher likes to say "practice makes permanent". What you put into pracitice becomes part of you.
Don't mistake chemistry for love. Love isn't some squishy feeling you get when you're around someone. It's a deep caring for another person. Putting their welfare above your own. If you're looking for chemistry, you're looking to fullfill some need in yourself. Love looks outward not inward. Love is serving not self serving.
I'm not talking about pretending to be in love. I'm talking about treating the other person like you are in love with them. No pretending required. Do that, and soon you will be. We can either look to our relationships to be self serving and watch them fall apart or serve our relationships and watch them grow. It's a choice.
When dh and I went through marriage counseling, the best thing the counselor told us to do (actually him but I took it up too) was to do three things a day just because you know the other person will like it and keep doing it even if they show no appreciation. In essence, he told my husband to walk the walk. I recognized that for what it is because I grew up with my mom telling me to do that.
It really does work. If you start behaving like what you want is true, it happens. Well, when both of you do it anyway. It's still possible for one party to check out and you can't do much to bring them back. This has more effect on how you feel than how the other person feels. When you start looking for ways to show love to the other person, it really makes sense that the love you feel for that person increases. We don't do nice things for people we don't like. As my daughter's piano teacher likes to say "practice makes permanent". What you put into pracitice becomes part of you.
Sorry, when you "treat someone like you are in love with them" and you AREN'T, you are being dishonest and pretending.
I do appreciate what you are saying though and do think it is worth a shot to see if your acting this way, and having your spouse reciprocate, can spark the love connection. But there are several people I love dearly that no matter how hard I tried to treat them as beloved partners I would never be able to fall in love with them.
You are right, chemistry is not what makes love. BUT, people must have some sort of chemistry between them to spark it.
You said, "If you start behaving like what you want is true, it happens". I say, NOT ALWAYS.
And no, treating someone the way you would if you were in love with them is not dishonest when it is someone you chose as a love partner. I'm not asking you to try and feel something you don't feel. We feel what we feel BUT our actions can influence our feelings. You're being asked to play the part you signed up for. You're talking like love is some hole you fall into or out of when it's something you choose. Trust me. By choosing to not treat someone like you are in love with them, you are choosing to not be in love with them. You kill any chance of rekindling what once was by your refusal to act.
What you choose to act on becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You're looking for some external factor to keep you "in love" when it's something you must choose. Love is not a hole you fall into. It's caring for another human being. Why would treating them accordingly be dishonest?
I disagree on chemistry. It's not needed at all. It may be what initially attracts us to a person but it's not lasting. It's just infatuation. It wears off just like the newness of anything wears off. Unfortunately, this is what too many people think of as love. That might explain our 50% divorce rate.
What I am saying is how we choose to act impacts the outcome. Wishing for something doesn't make it happen. Working for it does. In this case, what you can't influence is the other person. You influence your own feelings by choosing your actions. Try treating someone you don't really like with kindness for two months and see if it influences your feelings about them.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 06-03-2008 at 12:09 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
