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Oh my mother hoppin' God! I know a lot of you read my post last week that my sister-in-law died suddenly. Possibly suicide, possibly not. Everyone in the family has his or her theory.
Anyway. Obviously it was a total shock, and we all loved this girl very much. And the whole family is upside down over it. And that's natural.
And I want to be comforting and wonderful and all that since every other person around me right now is falling to pieces.
But I'll tell ya. EVERYone in this WHOLE FAMILY is calling me. I'm talking multiple times a day. Every day. Expecting me to make them all happy, somehow. I'm not allowed to grieve, too. I have to be "on" 24/7 and I am exhausted and having a breakdown over here.
Today, my mother-in-law called twice and sent one e-mail for the most ridiculous stuff imaginable. I also got a message from my father-in-law that he would like to know what to pick up for the kids while he's in such-and-such a town...who cares???? (I love my FIL, he's an angel, but he literally wants to talk for an hour solid each time he calls, complete with morbid comments and heavy silences.) So, okay. That was them. Now, my BIL has called twice. "Tell my brother I love him, tell my brother I love him." Okay. Oh-KAY. For the LOVE OF GOD. I will TELL HIM. Can I get OFF THE PHONE NOW?
I know people will be horrified by this post, because it sounds awful, considering someone just died. But oh my God. I'm going through this too. Why me...why am I everyone's go-to girl? "Call JerZ for all your morbid, unanswerable-comment needs."
I'm drained. I'm exhausted. I'm taking care of two kids, one of them special needs, all this while, trying to be completely normal for them. I mean today was my middle son's birthday, for God's sake!
I didn't answer all of my MIL's calls so she called my DH to b*tch about how we "never answer the phone"...so now we're in hot water...in the middle of all this!
Why the flark me? I have to be the most antisocial person on the planet earth. Or the most antisocial person in this family, anyway. I HATE being on the phone. I am so not a girl that way...and I just whined on that other thread about hating text messaging and how I never do it. But of course, for all of these calls and for every tear I'm soothing and calming and commiserating...each and every time...and I feel like I'm about to drop dead from neurosis by this point.
Sorry to vent...just...WTF? You people want to talk all day long about this, over and over and over again? Then call each other! And give me five minutes to grieve too...you know? God. I think it's because I'm "once removed" from all this. I only knew my SIL for six years. They knew her a lifetime. But my God. I just...can't deal right now.
Have you ever heard how a drowning person will literally drown their rescuer? It's true. That's why life guards carefully approach drowning swimmers from behind and grab them in certain positions - to protect themselves while saving the victim!
Well honey, everyone around you is drowning in sorrow. To them, you look like the only safe buoy to climb aboard to keep from completely going under. I know me telling you this doesn't change anything, I just hope it might help you feel more able to step back and allow yourself the right to be approached in ways that don't drown you too.
Unplug your house phones and shut off your cell phone for a few hours a day, or better yet, lose your cell phone for the next week. They are calling you because you are probably on the outside holding it together better than anyone else involved. But if you aren't available to talk, they can feel better just by leaving you a message and then they will call up the next person on their list. I think that it's perfectly okay to not take their calls, you need some alone time to recharge. A big downside to having cell phones is that everyone thinks that everyone else should be available 24/7 and at their beck and call. These people will be just fine if they can't talk to you. Saving your sanity is more important than being their crutch.
My husband just told me the same thing..."Shut off the phone!" He's mentally exhausted too. It's really more my responsibility to comfort him than anyone else...I love them all but they need to lean on each other a bit too.
Unplug your house phones and shut off your cell phone for a few hours a day, or better yet, lose your cell phone for the next week. They are calling you because you are probably on the outside holding it together better than anyone else involved. But if you aren't available to talk, they can feel better just by leaving you a message and then they will call up the next person on their list. I think that it's perfectly okay to not take their calls, you need some alone time to recharge. A big downside to having cell phones is that everyone thinks that everyone else should be available 24/7 and at their beck and call. These people will be just fine if they can't talk to you. Saving your sanity is more important than being their crutch.
Big hugs,
miu
Excellent suggestions - let the calls go to voicemail for a while.
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There seems to be a scapegoat in every family and you must've taken on this position...
