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I'm reeling over the decision to get a divorce. Married 8 years, we have a 3 year old son and my husband has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We have visitation/have her all the time when her mom is deployed.
My husband has ADD. He has self esteem problems. He doesn't have friends. After he cheated we tried marriage counseling with a woman who hated men so that didn't work! He has seen a counselor that has helped but stopped. After being in the Army he tried college but that didn't go well so now he is going to try an apprenticeship. After he got out of the Army 4 years ago I thought he'd finish school get a job and things would settle down and stop being about HIM. I stopped from moving back to Colorado so he could finish school. We will be moving across the country in 6 weeks as I'm going through a job transfer. I make the money, I make the decisions. I've stopped making them in some areas but if I don't do what needs to get done things won't get done. I bought him a $200 palm pilot so it could beep at him to tell him what to do. He finds things that work for his ADD, like writing lists and then stops the habit. H
After we move he says he'll start an apprenticeship. He does VERY well at work, likes working. I just feel like I'm a sugar mommy while he figures out when to grow up and get a job. I'm making separate accounts when we move, if he wants luxuries like the internet or to go skiing w/ me and my son he has to find his own way to pay for it. I'm hoping this will help but I don't know if I can wait any longer. I am in such a terrible mood when he is around and just sulk around my son. I want to just worry about my son and I. That is all.
I have ADD/ADHD but I would consider myself to be a good man to my girl. My ADD/ADHD never affected me in the ways it seems to be affecting him though. Maybe it was just the way I was raised, but I would feel less of a man if I had a "sugar momma" and didnt work or at least contribute significantly towards my family. Personally, I think that he is using his ADD as a crutch/excuse, since well, ADD makes it hard to concentrate on one thing for very long, not make someone lazy like that. I think he has gotten used to living off of you so long, he just doesnt have that motivation to acutally do something with his life. I know you mentioned that he keeps telling you that he is gonna do something, but in my experience, talk is cheap, and only actions in themselves can truely show someone that that actually mean it.
I say treat him like a child, cut him off and make him take some responsibility for his life and his family. Its called tough love and would be for his own good.
I'm going to the next counseling session with him. I want to save our marriage or end it as peacefully as possible with as few repercussions to our son as possible. I like him as a person, he is pretty cool. Kind. Funny. Needs to grow up or he is out. ADD or not. He needs to take some ownership of it.
i hope you say everything there that youve said here. ive gotten very frustrated reading this thread with all these clueless people writing off ADD as something you choose to have
i hope you say everything there that youve said here. ive gotten very frustrated reading this thread with all these clueless people writing off ADD as something you choose to have
Hey fishy....you better not be talking about me!......but incase you are....I never said anyone chose to have ADD I just said that you can choose to have a normal, healthy, socially intact life with it
talk is cheap, and only actions in themselves can truely show someone that that actually mean it.
I say treat him like a child, cut him off and make him take some responsibility for his life and his family. Its called tough love and would be for his own good.
I agree. Talk is cheap. I just don't know if I've ignored his progress. What is progress? He went to college, tried it out. His mother convinced him he was stupid and he has worked hard and is still working to realize the falseness of this. He made the decision that college wasn't for him. I applaud this. It was a hard decision. But the addition to the ADD has been being raised by a single Mom, a lazy step dad who is dependent on the Mom. I find it hard to see where the ADD stops and the bad upbringing begins too. He went about picking a major by looking on the internet, NOT by talking to people in the field. I feel like a life coach. Call this person, set up an appointment, ask these questions. I want to be a wife. And yes I've considered hiring a coach for people w/ ADD but they aren't cheap and I"m a bit resentful and think the support group should be a cheap start.
How does ADD affect you Southernboi? Does your spouse get frustrated? Do you have a hard time communicating?
I travel for work and he takes care of two kids. He does well. Okay, he can't get anything else done, but...
I agree. Talk is cheap. I just don't know if I've ignored his progress. What is progress? He went to college, tried it out. His mother convinced him he was stupid and he has worked hard and is still working to realize the falseness of this. He made the decision that college wasn't for him. I applaud this. It was a hard decision. But the addition to the ADD has been being raised by a single Mom, a lazy step dad who is dependent on the Mom. I find it hard to see where the ADD stops and the bad upbringing begins too. He went about picking a major by looking on the internet, NOT by talking to people in the field. I feel like a life coach. Call this person, set up an appointment, ask these questions. I want to be a wife. And yes I've considered hiring a coach for people w/ ADD but they aren't cheap and I"m a bit resentful and think the support group should be a cheap start.
How does ADD affect you Southernboi? Does your spouse get frustrated? Do you have a hard time communicating?
I travel for work and he takes care of two kids. He does well. Okay, he can't get anything else done, but...
What is progress with a person with ADD?
Communication between me and gf is something that I would have to admit isnt our strong point, but that boils down to the fact that I was raised in a military upbringing where being brutally honest and not beating around the bush was emphasized, so that is where our troubles come in. From her point my honesty is too harsh/mean where for me, I don't really know how to candycoat the truth so to speak, so that leads to the majority of the fights we have. My ADD kicks in when I have to do a certain thing for a long period of time..studying, reading, in class, at work, etc..and for most of my life, this is where it has caused me to get in the most trouble, as I get bored very very easily, and well I am sure you can see that teachers/employeers don't like that very much when I have a paper/spreadsheet they want me to work on. I don't know if I can say that it has affected my relationships I've had, although I'm not married so I can't speak from that perspective yet. I can understand where he is coming from in terms of college, while I choose to stay in (and you are right, it is not for everyone and no body should be ashamed if they decided not to go), picking a major was a different story. I spent almost two years working towards a degree in Chemistry, only to drop it and start on a Criminal Justice/Computer Engineering degree. I graduated HS when I was 16, and didnt get my associates until I was 24 because I could not decide what I wanted to do with my life and would change my major every other semester or so because I would lose interest so quickly. I still do not really know what I want to do, but I've spent too much time and money at this point so I am going to stick with my current major and just see where life takes me.
Progress is hard to judge when it comes to something like ADD. Is he on any meds? Medication (and the self prescribed medication I used in college ), were the only things that really calmed me down. ADD is more neurological than it is pyschological, which is why meds is the usual treatment. I have never heard of an ADD coach before so I cant offer any insight into that.
Parents, or other parental role models, are often the ones that we look up to as a child and emulate as we get older. If his step dad was the type to be lazy and live off his mom, then that is what he saw and was taught growing up. As much as we say we are never going to be like our parents when we grow up, more often than not, that is usually the case.
Reading the post I do not think I saw your general ages, could you be wanting quick results? I think something higher than ourselves brings us together in marriage. If he is affected as you say then maybe trying to manage him is only making it worse. Count to 10 every time you need to nag. Good Luck
I'm reeling over the decision to get a divorce. Married 8 years, we have a 3 year old son and my husband has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We have visitation/have her all the time when her mom is deployed.
My husband has ADD. He has self esteem problems. He doesn't have friends. After he cheated we tried marriage counseling with a woman who hated men so that didn't work! He has seen a counselor that has helped but stopped. After being in the Army he tried college but that didn't go well so now he is going to try an apprenticeship. After he got out of the Army 4 years ago I thought he'd finish school get a job and things would settle down and stop being about HIM. I stopped from moving back to Colorado so he could finish school. We will be moving across the country in 6 weeks as I'm going through a job transfer. I make the money, I make the decisions. I've stopped making them in some areas but if I don't do what needs to get done things won't get done. I bought him a $200 palm pilot so it could beep at him to tell him what to do. He finds things that work for his ADD, like writing lists and then stops the habit. H
After we move he says he'll start an apprenticeship. He does VERY well at work, likes working. I just feel like I'm a sugar mommy while he figures out when to grow up and get a job. I'm making separate accounts when we move, if he wants luxuries like the internet or to go skiing w/ me and my son he has to find his own way to pay for it. I'm hoping this will help but I don't know if I can wait any longer. I am in such a terrible mood when he is around and just sulk around my son. I want to just worry about my son and I. That is all.
Obviously, his personality did not change over night and he is the same man now that he was the day you married him. Can you think back and remember how you felt about him then? My guess is that what attracted you to him are the very things that you find distasteful now. For instance, didn't you live his "devil-may-care" approach to life and the way that he could "roll with the flow" and not take things too seriously? Didn't you like the way he wasn't obsessed with making money and having "things". Of course you did.
What usually causes problems is when children appear on the scene and suddenly the laxidazical lifestyle that appeals to two single people just isn't good enough any longer for a "family". I would say that for the past, oh, three years, you have been stewing about this and wanting him to shape up with regard to his personal lifestyle. After all, he is a FATHER now, and needs to assume more responsibilities - isn't that right?
The problem is you marrried who you married and, as his previous wife discovered, a box of Pampers in the cupboard isn't going to change him a bit from who he is. You can either return to the idealistic, accepting, joyous person that YOU WERE when you got married (before YOU CHANGED), and love and accept him for who he is. Or you can dump him and try to find someone who measures up to your stringent qualifications. Unfortunately, however, you are going to be attracted to the exact same person all over again, and the cycle will repeat.
My advice is to leave him alone and appreciate him for the good qualities that he has. Lighten up on the demands (nice house, new cars, Montessori, T-Ball, *whatever*) and live below your means. Give him lots of appreciation, verbal and otherwise (which will improve his self-image by leaps and bounds) and be the sweetheart he married.
20yrsinBranson
Last edited by 20yrsinBranson; 08-02-2008 at 07:57 PM..
Reason: fix typo
Obviously, his personality did not change over night and he is the same man now that he was the day you married him. Can you think back and remember how you felt about him then? My guess is that what attracted you to him are the very things that you find distasteful now. For instance, didn't you live his "devil-may-care" approach to life and the way that he could "roll with the flow" and not take things too seriously? Didn't you like the way he wasn't obsessed with making money and having "things". Of course you did.
What usually causes problems is when children appear on the scene and suddenly the laxidazical lifestyle that appeals to two single people just isn't good enough any longer for a "family". I would say that for the past, oh, three years, you have been stewing about this and wanting him to shape up with regard to his personal lifestyle. After all, he is a FATHER now, and needs to assume more responsibilities - isn't that right?
The problem is you marrried who you married and, as his previous wife discovered, a box of Pampers in the cupboard isn't going to change him a bit from who he is. You can either return to the idealistic, accepting, joyous person that YOU WERE when you got married (before YOU CHANGED), and love and accept him for who he is. Or you can dump him and try to find someone who measures up to your stringent qualifications. Unfortunately, however, you are going to be attracted to the exact same person all over again, and the cycle will repeat.
My advice is to leave him alone and appreciate him for the good qualities that he has. Lighten up on the demands (nice house, new cars, Montessori, T-Ball, *whatever*) and live below your means. Give him lots of appreciation, verbal and otherwise (which will improve his self-image by leaps and bounds) and be the sweetheart he married.
20yrsinBranson
Sorry, cant really agree with this post. There comes a point in life (especially being a MAN) that you need to step up to the plate and take on your responsibilities. He is a FATHER now, and he needs to provide for his family, not sit around the house milking off of his wife. He needs to grow up...ADD is NOT an excuse..go to a doctor, get on meds, go to a support session, etc...do whatever it takes, but do it!
You divorce him when he is not meeting your needs as a partner, period. The ADD is also just an excuse for you to feel sorry for him and/or complain about him and be in control of him, which you may need to do for your own reasons. You did not mention medication, and it may depend on his situation, but as an adult who did not have much success until taking medication, I found it made a terrific difference even though my spouse was not at all supportive of it, he was the type to skip the pain pills the dentist gave him for root canals and then make everyone around him miserable.
You divorce him when he is not meeting your needs as a partner, period. The ADD is also just an excuse for you to feel sorry for him and/or complain about him and be in control of him, which you may need to do for your own reasons. You did not mention medication, and it may depend on his situation, but as an adult who did not have much success until taking medication, I found it made a terrific difference even though my spouse was not at all supportive of it, he was the type to skip the pain pills the dentist gave him for root canals and then make everyone around him miserable.
Are you serious? I just had a root canal the other week and it was still painful WITH the pain pills....
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......but incase you are....I never said anyone chose to have ADD I just said that you can choose to have a normal, healthy, socially intact life with it 
