Ladies - Bad Boys. What is the attraction? Why do you keep falling from them? (date, boyfriend)

[mom2justynsarah]

Absolutely nothing! I have never fallen for a "bad boy." But I know plenty of women who do. They all have one thing in common - very low self esteem.

[miu]

Ah... I thought this thread was more about women's initial attraction to bad boys! Well what sustains the excitement in my 5 year relationship to a nice guy is that we never take each other for granted. And after all these years, he thinks me still an awesome addition to his life. I don't feel that I have to worry about losing whatever it is that attracts him to me. Life is steady, mundane and predictable in the sense that we know that we're in it for the long haul, yet he's still sweet and tender to me. He still enjoys cuddling in bed and talking for hours at night.

Otherwise, just as some men have a fantasy for a sedate librarian woman to turn into a sex kitten just for them... I think that it's a turn on for a woman to inspire a nice regular mundane sensible guy into throwing away logic and being more of a rebel or romantic on occasion.

[smiling_nurse]

I have had a bad boy or two in my life.....got exactly what I was asking for...excitement followed by heartbreak. Lesson learned.

[ElizabethC]

I read a very good explanation of this in a blog once, here it is:


) Girls like bad boys: Believe it or not, this is actually tied to Point #1. I've held this as a general theory for a while, so listen up, nice guys but maybe not for the reason you'd think. I actually don't think girls like a guy who treats them bad. But I do think they--we--get off a little on the idea of changing someone for the better, or the idea of having the power that someone loves us so much that he'll change or sacrifice something for us. A nice guy doesn't need to change, and, most importantly, he's already nice to everyone. How do you know that you're special if he treats everyone else with as much kindness and respect as he treats you? The "bad boy" type, though? He may range from simple, garden-variety jackhole (hello, Sawyer!) to appalling psychopath (hello, Dr. Lecter!), but you know he loves you because he's completely different around you. You are an exception to his very nature. This is how "villain" ends up drifting towards "antihero"--Dracula, the Phantom of the Opera, Spike on Buffy, fanfic!Draco Malfoy--but you even see it with straightforward heroes: Mr. Darcy and Mr. Rochester are both cold, prickly, withdrawn types until Lizzie Bennet and Jane Eyre arrive, respectively, to bewilder and melt them. That's the fantasy. (Note: this is not a comparison of quality.)

Now, the problem is that, in real life, tigers rarely change their stripes. Sure, your jerk of choice may start out giving you the special treatment, but as the novelty of the relationship wears off, he's going to do exactly what the nice guy does: he's going to treat you just like he treats everyone else. Except that with the jerk, this is exactly where you don't want to be. But you'll remember the good times long after you're getting the full jackass treatment--you've just got to try to change him harder, right? (Ugh.)

[houstoner]

Originally Posted by professorsenator

...because just like some guys want to hump a hot woman just for the fun of it, sometimes gals just want to bang a bad boy just for the he11 of it. Nothin' wrong with that--girls just wanna have fun, too.

This would be me! I've dated nice guys, but I'm not always looking for a relationship. Bad boys are hot, up for anything, and exude confidence (or arrogance, take your pick) and know how to take the lead. Nice guys don't so much. Nice guys are more like girls with balls = big yawn. Boredom and predictability are the kiss of death for me. Some nice guys take forever to make a move and don't seem to know how to have fun, or not my idea of fun anyway. Not so with bad boys. They know what they want and go for it. Sometimes I just want the experience, especially when my life is just going along kinda ho-hum, hum-drum and I want to shake things up a little. Sometimes it's just that, nothing more, nothing less. Not every woman is looking to settle down and get married. Oh, and I don't have low self-esteem; quite the opposite, in fact. Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe I'm just a bad girl so I seek out my counterpart?

[endersshadow]

Originally Posted by houstoner

This would be me! I've dated nice guys, but I'm not always looking for a relationship. Bad boys are hot, up for anything, and exude confidence (or arrogance, take your pick) and know how to take the lead. Nice guys don't so much. Nice guys are more like girls with balls = big yawn. Boredom and predictability are the kiss of death for me. Some nice guys take forever to make a move and don't seem to know how to have fun, or not my idea of fun anyway. Not so with bad boys. They know what they want and go for it. Sometimes I just want the experience, especially when my life is just going along kinda ho-hum, hum-drum and I want to shake things up a little. Sometimes it's just that, nothing more, nothing less. Not every woman is looking to settle down and get married. Oh, and I don't have low self-esteem; quite the opposite, in fact. Hmm, now that I think about it, maybe I'm just a bad girl so I seek out my counterpart?

And here's the thing. Guys like the OP dream that every girl is an innocent virgin being taken advantage of and ruined by bad boys. But girls like you and guys like the OP probably wouldn't be a good match anyway. So really, this topic is just crying about relationships that wouldn't work.

Then there are some girls just out to experiment or looking for a challenge. I never do understand these general accusations. As if every, or even most, of the girls are attracted to bad boys.

My advice to the nice guys is to be patient and get the leftovers. They may not be the freshest but they suffice... Heh, I get so annoyed by nice guys sometimes.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by ajs5mz2

Some times its mutual, but sometimes the woman thinks that the bad boy is a keeper and wants to build a life with him. Then what?

Then she's screwed.

The same traits that made him fun, may make him less desirable as a permanent mate.

Precisely!

Originally Posted by lionking

you don't have to be a male model chisel chest perfect looking specimen of a man to be a bad boy and attract women,it's attitude of confidence and not being desperate and knowing you are worth more than her if she gives you misery.

The lion gets it!

Originally Posted by Jefetio

Obviously, something had to have been good about the bad boy if the woman got with him in the first place.

Obviously... before the mask comes off.

Originally Posted by lola8822

I married my bad boy

Hate to rain on your parade, but it hasn't been long, has it...

Originally Posted by miu

Just curious, do we all have the same definition of what a bad boy is?

We most certainly do NOT!

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

The difference is that the guy going after the bad girl knows that she's not the kind he'd want to marry. He'll have his fun with her and move on. But the girl who goes after the bad boy too often convinces herself that she'll be able to keep him, maybe even change him, but fails. And then she's kicking herself for falling the wrong kind of guy yet again. The guy who went after the bad girl never wanted to fall for her and never deluded himself into thinking this was the kind of girl to take home to meet the parents.

That's probably true to some extend.

Originally Posted by miu

Most "nice guys" come off as being very predictable and safe... like being with a surrogate male family member. Without that sense of unpredictability and excitement, there is no inspiration for feelings of romance. Part of what's wonderful about a having a successful romance is that it wasn't a sure thing to begin with, that what you have is special, rare, and magical.

Very good point!

Originally Posted by ajs5mz2

That "bad" aspect of the bad boy is exciting and dangerous but is contrary to normal everyday living. The guy that was riding the motorbike, or had the expensive car, the cool cloths and all of the women is going to be reticent to say home folding cloths, changing diapers and doing the laundry. He is going to want to go out and pursue his next conquest while your at home tending to the chores - which is where the conflict usually, but not always, starts.

That is were a lot of those "change the bad boy" relationships fail.

It sure is, but does anybody really wanna start off with mundane...?

Good guys, and I'm one of them, are amazed at how many women repeat the same cycle of dating the wrong guys - I'm thinking about the Denise Richard show at the moment. In a way they can't help it and are at conflict within themselves: part of them wanting Richie Cunningham and part of them wanting Fonzie.

Absolutely!

Originally Posted by miu

But aren't we talking about the sparks that begin every relationship? Yes, daily life is mundane. And the appeal of a bad boy or girl is that they break the monotony of our mundane lives.

And if there is no excitement at the beginning of the relationship, there will be no relationship. A regular nice guy needs to learn how to introduce some excitement and special energy into the way he flirts with women in order to succeed and win the girl.

Miu, how come you've made such good points since you're supposedly into "nice" guys...?! Or this wisdom is part of previous experience?

Originally Posted by ajs5mz2

I am talking about is the ability to sustain that excitement over time. Does that mean that the only way for a relationship to be successful is for their the some sense of risk or danger? Or, is there more to it than that. My parents were married over 40 year and was a "death do us part" type of marriage. My aunt and uncle were married over 50 years. You can't keep up the facade of danger and risk that long.

So there has to be more to the relationship than that. Or, maybe its a different kind of excitement. One that stems from the bonds shared by the couple, who against all odds, want to stay together and make it work. Seems to me that is the greatest challenge of all. Any takers?

I'll venture to say they never had it to begin with.

Originally Posted by SifuPhil

You have your opening moves - establishing your position, determining how your "opponent" reacts, getting a feel for the game. In relationships, I liken this to "wowing" your potential mates, whether through physical traits, intelligence, the use of comedy, personality, etc.

The middle game - with your positions established and with an idea of how your "opponent" moves, you begin to plan for the end game. You offer up a few sacrifices when necessary in order to ensure a strong finish. In relationships, this could be the "courting" or dating phase - learning more about each other, seeing if all the hills and valleys match up.

The end game - in chess, it's capturing the King. For women, it could be the same goal. For men, of a marriage mind anyway, it's capturing the Queen.

Now, just as there are chess players who have a strong end game (they can finish the game victorious), there are those who rely solely upon a strong opening. To me, this parallels quite well with "good boys" and "bad boys".

If you KNOW you're a strong opening-move type, you play to your strengths. Likewise for middle- and end-gamers. So in a sense, the "bad boys" are strong in the opening phases but weak in later development; the middle- and end-gamers have their respective strengths and weaknesses, but will probably be considered "good" boys.

Great definition! I'd assume it takes one to know one...

[SifuPhil]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

Great definition! I'd assume it takes one to know one...

Why, thank you! *blush*

[miu]

Originally Posted by ajs5mz2

I agree that, in the beginning, relationships are exciting, else why would we bother. Believe me, I'm my friend bounce off of the walls she is so excited today. The issue is what happens tomorrow.

I am talking about is the ability to sustain that excitement over time. Does that mean that the only way for a relationship to be successful is for their the some sense of risk or danger? Or, is there more to it than that. My parents were married over 40 year and was a "death do us part" type of marriage. My aunt and uncle were married over 50 years. You can't keep up the facade of danger and risk that long.

So there has to be more to the relationship than that. Or, maybe its a different kind of excitement. One that stems from the bonds shared by the couple, who against all odds, want to stay together and make it work. Seems to me that is the greatest challenge of all. Any takers?

I think that some couples in the beginning of the courtship need to compare notes in terms of their life goals. Too many couples just want to ride on the emotional wave of the sexual attraction for each other and think that love will conquer all possible conflicts. So with my "nice guy", we both knew that we were in agreement about not wanting kids or having a picket fence life. And what we did find is that we were both intrigued by motorsports events like the Dakar Rally. So we'd joke about doing that event as a team as one of our big life goals. And while it's not a realistic goal, it's certainly something to dream about. And a in the meantime, he and his dad competed in a tarmac rally a few years ago with me as the support crew (his dad paid the entry fee for the race). And I think that having these dreams and projects on the table keep a couple in touch with those early feelings they had for each other early on.

And there are many ways that a couple can bond together in the beginning and then use those memories to keep the spirit of love alive later on. They just have to be pro-active about that sort of thing. And a couple with many common interests and enjoying each other's company for more than sex has a better chance of keeping the flame alive forever than a couple that is mostly together because of sexual infatuation.

[Hobokenkitchen]

Originally Posted by houstoner

. Bad boys are hot, up for anything, and exude confidence (or arrogance, take your pick) and know how to take the lead. Nice guys don't so much. Nice guys are more like girls with balls = big yawn. Boredom and predictability are the kiss of death for me. Some nice guys take forever to make a move and don't seem to know how to have fun, or not my idea of fun anyway.

I couldn't agree with this less. A man who is like a 'girl with balls' does not automatically earn the 'nice guy' label. He probably just earns the 'loser' label, or the 'needs to gain confidence' label.

What about a 'nice guy' who excudes confidence and knows how to take the lead? How about a 'nice guy' who is up for anything and is exciting. You see by, 'up for anything', I mean; exotic travel, extreme sports and things of that nature - not violent crime, drug dealing or playing multiple women at a time.

This all goes back to what the definition of a 'bad boy' is, as mentioned by Miu earlier in the thread.

I have no interest at all in some loser bad boy, but I also have little interest in a wimpy guy who is too shy to say hello. Give me a confident, well adjusted and exciting MAN. A guy who knows who he is and is fine with it. Who isn't too cool to help an old lady with her shopping every now and then, but who also sends sparks flying all over the place in the bedroom.

That's my kind of 'nice guy'!!