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This is just a question out of pure curiousity to see if it is a normal thing or unique to my friend.
We've had a lot of deep conversations about relationships, what we think, etc. His opinion is: humans, by nature, aren't ment to be with just one partner for lifelong. Aside from raising a family, humans are nomadic in heritage and have different phases of their lives where one partner works better than another partner. He backs this claim up with examples of all the long term marriages that turn unhappier as time goes by, how many older couples that have been married to same person are very unhappy individuals but stay with it because it makes sense and for the psychological reasons that humans try to conform with society's expectations. He also cites evidence in how many partners lose interest in or turn their relationship into a sexless companionship. He also states how people change constantly... and what worked of us at age 20 isn't right at age 30, and what is good at 30 might not be the best fit at 50.
I do see where he is coming from and do not criticize him for his viewpoints. We're all entitled to our own. Background on him: he has had monogomous relationships that did not pan out because they were bad matches, and he is currently single and wanting a relationship. He is young, but turning 29 very soon.. so not naive.
I'm not asking for all kinds of stories of "we made it work" -- the question is... how many other younger people think like this?
Been married 32 years and it can be a very tough job. As a younger guy I had my eyes straying elsewhere and I'm convinced that part of it was trying to bail out on the hard work of maintaining the relationship at hand.
Plus as a guy I couldn't figure out that a different relationship would take an equal amount of effort.
I didn't stray and am glad of it.
This is just a question out of pure curiousity to see if it is a normal thing or unique to my friend.
We've had a lot of deep conversations about relationships, what we think, etc. His opinion is: humans, by nature, aren't ment to be with just one partner for lifelong. Aside from raising a family, humans are nomadic in heritage and have different phases of their lives where one partner works better than another partner. He backs this claim up with examples of all the long term marriages that turn unhappier as time goes by, how many older couples that have been married to same person are very unhappy individuals but stay with it because it makes sense and for the psychological reasons that humans try to conform with society's expectations. He also cites evidence in how many partners lose interest in or turn their relationship into a sexless companionship. He also states how people change constantly... and what worked of us at age 20 isn't right at age 30, and what is good at 30 might not be the best fit at 50.
I do see where he is coming from and do not criticize him for his viewpoints. We're all entitled to our own. Background on him: he has had monogomous relationships that did not pan out because they were bad matches, and he is currently single and wanting a relationship. He is young, but turning 29 very soon.. so not naive.
I'm not asking for all kinds of stories of "we made it work" -- the question is... how many other younger people think like this?
Unfortunately, a lot of people think like this. We're all prejudiced in a way by other people's experiences. For example, whenever people hear that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, they interpret that to mean that if they get married, they'll have a 50% chance of divorce. That would be true if marriages were truly random phenomena that the people in the marriage have no control over. As for your friend's attitude, if I were a woman, I wouldn't want to date someone who thought like that. Don't go out looking for a relationship if you're convinced that they go against human nature. There's a lot of things humans do that go against our nature. But the great thing about being intelligent beings is that we have minds and control over our actions. You might be married and tempted by the hot girl at the bar, but you have control. The guy who cheats on his wife and excuses himself by saying that he's just doing what evolution has conditioned him to do is full of ****. Everyone of us is responsible for our actions and shouldn't be using evolution as an excuse. Your friend is like too many guys out there. He's wanting something (a relationship) when he's already made up his mind that it won't work. What a lousy attitude. That's like starting a job expecting the company will go out of business. How motivated will you be to do your job well?
I too, think many people think like this. But I totally agree with DennyCrane. Every single person changes, throughout their life. If you stop changing, then you are probably dead and no one told you.
There are a million reasons why a relationship could fail. But there is only one reason that it continues to work, and that is because both parties have comitted to it. Period.
There are a million reasons why a relationship could fail. But there is only one reason that it continues to work, and that is because both parties have comitted to it. Period.
For the sake of debate.....
The question is... Do 2 people commit to it because it is a great source of happiness... or because society EXPECTS them to?
What good is digging your heels in and committing to a 30 yr marriage if you're miserable (and inevitably making your spouse miserable in the meantime - which also leads to infidelity) for 20 of those years?
I'm single, in my mid-30s, and have several married friends.
A lot of these guys tell me they envy me because I'm free. I can sleep until noon on Saturdays, never have to come home early cuz the wife may not want you out too late, and can date any girl I want (and they miss the excitement and fun of dating a new girl... taking her out, getting to know her, dining her, eventually bedding her... I recently met a new girl and these guys are mega-curious about how my dates go).
I understand them. I'll probably miss the freedoms I enjoy now if/when I have a wife and children.
But these guys don't go off and cheat on their wives or what not. Yes, when we go to Hooters or any bar w/ hottie waitresses, they stare. Yes, when we go out to town on guys' night and there's a table packed with attractive women, they dare me to go ask them to join us for drinks. But they wouldn't trade their wives and kids for anything... and I want to be that way myself.
I enjoy sex as much as the next guy, but I have to say that it can be quite empty afterwards if it's with a person for whom you have no feelings at all. I find it to be incomparably better when I care about her... hence the difference between just wanting to sleep afterwards and gladly cuddling post-coitum.
Saying that humans are not suppose to have one partner through life is like saying that we should dump our good friends in exchange for ones that "may be better" or who "fit into our lives better at that point in time"........
I've had good friends since I was 10 years old, and even though we've gone down different paths we still maintain a friendship because THERE IS SOMETHING THERE that makes us have a bond and a connection......... if you do not have a connection with someone..... then of course you'll be unhappy with them for your WHOLE life.....
But if you have a great connection with someone that lasts THROUGH the years....... why would you get rid of them just cuz you have the mentality that "humans shouldn't have one partner"??????
If you ask me your friend IS still naive and immature in thinking.......
Relationships take a LOT of work (like the person said above).... and like I said, if there isn't a really STRONG connection then of course the relationship will deteriorate. I'm sure if your friend met someone he had an INTENSE connection with he'd NEVER want to let her go.....
I mentioned infidelity because it is no secret that there are many, MANY cheating spouses. It is a well known fact. I'm glad that your friends have not taken on temptation and are better husbands and fathers because of that!
However, what I am referring to is: my friend is not avoiding relationships or only interested in dating someone he doesn't have feelings for. Fact is, he has had strong feelings for a couple girls he's dated. As of the moment.. he has been single for 1 yr now because he still hasn't gotten over his previous gf.
The debate is not the empty, calious physical companionship. It is whether or not two people who did have a strong connection can maintain that same connection for life HONESTLY. Or, are they lying to themselves / forcing themselves to stay in the relationship because it is
1. to inconvenient to end the relationship? or,
2. they are gritting their teeth and bearing with it because society expects them to?
Subaru -
I personally know from experience that friendships change with time too, not just romantic partnerships. I have many friends that I have lost over the years because the relationship fizzled out, our interests changed, and our paths were different. And, maintaining the friendship just wasn't going to work out. As you grow and mature, the dynamics of your friendships will also evolve. Some friends will be there for a lifetime. Some will not.
You also cannot fairly compare friendships and romantic relationships for the reason that you don't actively live in the same household as your friends.
You also put words in my mouth. I never said that a partner would get rid of the other ... what I said was what you're attracted to 20 tends to be very different than what you're attracted to at 30, and even 50. Or, "what works with you" - if your relationship evolves to a point where you both no longer see eye to eye on things, is there really a benefit at forcing the relationship to work out? Is it a benefit to grit your teeth and make it happen -- fully knowing that it could be a miserable, sexless companionship?
It is always easier to play the field. There is a lot of work and sacrifices in maintaining and nurturing a relationship. Yes, we were nomadic but staying with a single mate was beneficial because you had some modicum of security, better chances at fathering offspring, and passing on knowledge. Nomadic civilizations have a high mortality rate and when one passed then another mate would be selected.
Family bonds, alliances, and treaties were all accomplished by staying married to a single individual.
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