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I don't get this whole issue with passive-agression. It seems too pop-psychology-esque to me.
I think if a person seldom stands up for themselves and is simultaneously angry and irate, then yes something is wrong. It's more than just cowardice or diffusion, but it means they cannot properly express their emotions, even if something causes them hurt, anger or distress.
But passive-aggression is distinct in my mind from the diffusion of tension. Most persons in the world diffuse arguments, in order to not to let it escalate. This is very common, when an incident is small and means nothing in the grand scheme. It could be not getting into an argument with a neighbour if his/her child's ball falls in your yard. Or with a girlfriend if she wants to see a movie you wouldn't want to see. Diffusing tension is a normal part of interacting, or there would be continual arguments over everything.
Passive aggressive people are forever looking for their partners to star in their favorite movie involving lots of screaming, yelling, throwing things, and
picking up a gun or knife and pointing it at them.
Subsconciously, PA types want to see you become angry and violent.
Don't do it! There's plenty of violence-filled movies out there they can rent or buy without you starring in one.
Turn the tables, give them a taste of their own medicine some time.
She is saying she doesn't like to be ignored. I doubt she wants to be screamed at.
Yeah, pretty much.
He just flat out STOPS talking to me. Pretends I’m not even in the room. When I finally realise what’s happening and ask him what’s wrong he pulls the if you don’t know I’m not going to tell you card. It used to make me feel literally sick to the stomach but I don’t even really react anymore. I just wait for him to go back to being a man and stop being a boy.
Well my mom can be that way (if someone is annoying her) thought at times she does gets irritating. Unfortunately I may have inherited her similar personality.... I become exactly like her when angered therefore I'm her.... LOL
Only difference is she makes it so obvious when something/someone upsets her so signals can be detected. I'm just the silent water who doesn't give out warnings when pushed to far so it's unexpected.
I work in a Rehab facility and I run into these P/A types/patients frequently. When I face one of these types it's like looking at Stalin, Hitler or Charles Manson, they can potentially be so evil.
Many of them have that silky, smooth, slow, polite way of talking. Just the way they talk is enough for me to want to raise the bed up as high as I can and push them onto the floor!
They'll tell you you did an outstanding job, and next morning they call social services or the Director of Nurses to tell them something, like you talked to them rudely or touched them inappropriately, to try and get you into trouble, or suspended or fired.
With these people, I feel like I'm walking on eggs every minute I'm in their rooms and I can smell these types the minute I enter their rooms. But in a worklike situtation I have no choice but to grit my teeth.
And then to think our society would have no qualms about releasing non-violent-P/A inmates from our prisons! What I say? Release the violent ones,
execute the P/A types!
I've now had 2 long term marriages with both types of men. First, the egocentric, "aggressive" type. Then, 10 years with the "sensitive" guy who's "in touch with his feminine side". Too bad I wasn't married first to the sensitive one. My second marriage would have lasted forever. I'll take someone who says what they think, sets limits, has boundaries, and asserts himself any day. The conflict avoidant, passive, inert procrastinator grows tiresome very quickly. The manipulative way to get what they want/need, the obtuse communication, the wishy washy personality, the refusal to commit.....to much of anything ( for fear of what?), the sneaking in the back door instead of just coming in the front...............and the lies............oh, yes they are very much lies, although the PA person will say they "miss spoke," or things "changed" (hey can't a person change their mind, so what???), or "I never said that, I said................." (and of course, they never said that).
It's enough to drive one crazy. That's why it's got a name. It's called "Gaslighting" after that old movie where the husband keeps turning on and off the gaslights in the old mansion to make the wife think she's going bats. It's a good word. It is how a woman feels when she lives with/depends on a man like this. Eventually, a person has to reclaim every single bit of responsibility for any tasks whatsover when they live with a person like this. Otherwise, their life will be chaos, things will be screwed up, nothing will be done, and everything will be one big stress out. The best way to describe these people is this: Their screw up constitutes your emergency every single time.
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It used to make me feel literally sick to the stomach but I don’t even really react anymore. I just wait for him to go back to being a man and stop being a boy.
