Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I married my husband in 2001. I remember a friend (Now EX friend) had said that we would not last a year. We are still married. HOWEVER she was correct. Dead On.. 100% right. Of course I will never tell her that..
My husband told me - via a phone call from overseas- that he had cheated on me 8 months into our 1st year of marriage. A lot of hurt feelings came about knowing.. however to worst was the years of not knowing. The worst was the memory of me ...
When I was pregnant. with our child, some test results came back.. they were devastating. Just the worst test results you could imagine. I remember pleading with my Doctor tell him that they were wrong and that it was impossible. Then of course I find out years later that it WAS possible and that I was a fool. Thank God the results were wrong. It was just a jolt to my soul. That same week that I had gotten those horrible test results my husband was told that he had lung cancer.
Everyone was so focused on him. He had a biopsy and had loads of people there to support him. I just couldn't tell anyone about my struggle, other than my mother and husband, - it was and is too taboo. Here I was .. a baby growing inside me and I was loosing my husband and her father to lymphoma and I was slowing dying as well...... Just to find out years later that YES he knew.. and YES I was a fool .. and YES he could of killed me... and YES he could of robbed our children of a mother and possibly of one of their lives.
I was planning his funeral and mine. It was a horrible, nasty, fearful time in my life.
He did not die nor did I. We have two wonderful kids and are still married. I know that I am trying to get over what happened and hoping that one day I can put it all behind me. AND that happened over 5 years ago... "Just get over it" doesn't work. We have been together for 8 years.
We have been to therapists about this issue and they have sided with him. I cannot seem to make them see my pain. They always side with him. He seems to get teary eyed and cry during our sessions. I come across as the cold ******. I guess it is because I have had so much time to process this info that I can just ramble it off and seem very cold. This would not be the 1st time I have been called an, Ice Princess.
Any thoughts?
Last edited by Keeper; 02-23-2009 at 05:28 PM..
Reason: removed rate this post link
Just to find out years later that YES he knew.. and YES I was a fool .. and YES he could of killed me... and YES he could of robbed our children of a mother and possibly of one of their lives.
I was planning his funeral and mine. It was a horrible, nasty, fearful time in my life.
He did not die nor did I. We have two wonderful kids and are still married. I know that I am trying to get over what happened and hoping that one day I can put it all behind me. AND that happened over 5 years ago... "Just get over it" doesn't work. We have been together for 8 years.
We have been to therapists about this issue and they have sided with him. I cannot seem to make them see my pain. They always side with him. He seems to get teary eyed and cry during our sessions. I come across as the cold ******. I guess it is because I have had so much time to process this info that I can just ramble it off and seem very cold. This would not be the 1st time I have been called an, Ice Princess.
In the big picture, the most important thing is that you and your family are FINE. Against all odds, your family is FINE.
It seems to me that you are jealous of the extra sympathy and attention your husband got while he was sick. I'm not sure why you didn't tell anyone but your parents about your medical condition. And your husband not telling you at the time that he knew was his way of honoring your wishes to keep your condition a secret. Plus, I suspect that since he is only human, he was legitimately very scared for his own life at the time, which kept him focused on himself. As to you being the one planning for two possible funerals, that's your problem for being too responsible a person.
If you need for your husband to tell you a simple "sorry", then I agree with you and feel that he should tell you that. What else do you want from your husband? Lots of guilt? But otherwise, there is no way to go back in time to change how you both behaved during that terrible time in your lives. You were both young and untested. He used to be a jerk that cheated on you. Now he has matured into a responsible adult male. Why dwell on the past and how it was lived? Why not just be really happy that you have him as your husband and two wonderful kids? Why not focus on just raising them and being grateful to be alive?
And how would you feel if tomorrow, your husband suffered a relapse and his cancer came back? Would you secretly feel that it was payback for not being supportive of your "secret" medical condition?
Everyone handles a serious life threatening crisis differently. I'm sorry that your husband didn't fit your idea of a perfect storybook husband. I'm sorry that he didn't put his worries about his life threatening medical condition aside to focus on yours. So it's not the material for a Lifetime cable tv movie event. Get over it. What you have now is so much better than one or both of you dying, or not having your two precious children. There is nothing at all to be bitter about, NOTHING. Be very grateful. Be very happy. Stop wasting your money on therapy.
Another thought I have is that women by nature are the nurturers in a relationship. It's not that men can't, but their job seems to be strong and protective of their family and territory, and to be the breadwinner. So perhaps what happened with you is that your husband got cancer and your nurturing instinct took over strongly to the point that when you became sick yourself, you weren't able to ask for support from anyone except your own parents. And again, that's your own fault for creating that situation where your husband got so much sympathy and support, and you got very little.
It happens in my household on occasion. I caught a cold earlier in the week. And my right shoulder ached. My boyfriend was very sympathetic and rubbed my shoulder every night. Yesterday, my boyfriend caught the same cold. I feel a little guilty, but hey, he's brought home cold germs several times more often than I have. I still have my cold and I have my aches still, but this morning all I heard about from my boyfriend was how much he was in distress. And he wasn't bothering to ask me how I was doing. Finally, a few hours ago I made a comment about how I was sorry about his cold, but I was still suffering too, just a lot more quietly. Men can be babies about getting sick. Maybe since women have to deal with our monthly menstrual cycles and the the other greater pain of childbirth, we are just conditioned to deal with our medical issues with more grace. It's partly the fault of us women that we hog all the nurturing and support duties and don't delegate some of them to our menfolk. Men need to be told what we expect from them, and they need to be very clearly told. Hints don't work. They aren't mindreaders.
Without knowing more about your medical condition, I feel that back when it happened, you should have told more than your parents about your serious medical issue. Also, men are very straight forward simple thinking creatures. Since you didn't come out to tell him, your husband was respecting that you didn't want anyone but your parents to know your condition. And since it was connected to your pregnancy, that falls under being a "feminine problem" and many guys are uncomfortable talking about womens plumbing issues. And I suspect that once he knew how sick you were, internally, he worked harder to get better in case he needed to take care of you and the baby.
Again, I feel that since you married him, your husband has grown up a lot as a human being. Yes, he disappointed you when he cheated on you, and then it was very hard with you both were sick at the same time. But somehow, you both survived and are at very good place in your lives right now. Carpe diem. Seize the day. And don't hate and now try to punish the man that your husband WAS, just love and cherish the husband and two children that you have TODAY. The past is the past, and history can't be rewritten. And if it helps, do it for the sake of your two innocent children, who need both of their loving parents to raise and guide them to adulthood.
I married my husband in 2001. I remember a friend (Now EX friend) had said that we would not last a year. We are still married. HOWEVER she was correct. Dead On.. 100% right. Of course I will never tell her that..
My husband told me - via a phone call from overseas- that he had cheated on me 8 months into our 1st year of marriage. A lot of hurt feelings came about knowing.. however to worst was the years of not knowing. The worst was the memory of me ...
When I was pregnant. with our child, some test results came back.. they were devastating. Just the worst test results you could imagine. I remember pleading with my Doctor tell him that they were wrong and that it was impossible. Then of course I find out years later that it WAS possible and that I was a fool. Thank God the results were wrong. It was just a jolt to my soul. That same week that I had gotten those horrible test results my husband was told that he had lung cancer.
Everyone was so focused on him. He had a biopsy and had loads of people there to support him. I just couldn't tell anyone about my struggle, other than my mother and husband, - it was and is too taboo. Here I was .. a baby growing inside me and I was loosing my husband and her father to lymphoma and I was slowing dying as well...... Just to find out years later that YES he knew.. and YES I was a fool .. and YES he could of killed me... and YES he could of robbed our children of a mother and possibly of one of their lives.
I was planning his funeral and mine. It was a horrible, nasty, fearful time in my life.
He did not die nor did I. We have two wonderful kids and are still married. I know that I am trying to get over what happened and hoping that one day I can put it all behind me. AND that happened over 5 years ago... "Just get over it" doesn't work. We have been together for 8 years.
We have been to therapists about this issue and they have sided with him. I cannot seem to make them see my pain. They always side with him. He seems to get teary eyed and cry during our sessions. I come across as the cold ******. I guess it is because I have had so much time to process this info that I can just ramble it off and seem very cold. This would not be the 1st time I have been called an, Ice Princess.
Yes, you need your own therapist - not couples counseling at this point. Find a therapist just for yourself. And good luck.
I agree. You kinda lost me somewhere in that post, but it sounds like you need some help coming to terms with your life.
I was told 20 years ago that I probably wouldn't make it though the month. Surprise! It did change my life, however. I made changes. I decided life was too precious to waste another day. I've had some horrible days in the last 20 years and wasted plenty of others, but overall it's been the best 20 years of my life.
It seems my post wasnt as clear as it should of been.
Let me make it very clear.
#1 I am not holding a grudge at all about him getting attention etc
#2 The reason only a few people knew about my test results, cause because it was HIV ... and I was positive I didnt have it.
When I was pregnant the HIV test came back positive. I told the doctor that it wasnt possible and that I hadnt been with anyone other than my husband. I told him that my husband isnt a cheater and that the test was wrong. About 3 more tests were done and all had the same positive.
At the same time my husband was told he had lymphoma and was having a lot of tests done.
It turns out that he did not have Lymphoma etc.
It turns out that a very small amount of pregnant women will get false positives when a normal HIV test is done. I do not have HIV.
Then a year or so passed by and he told me that he had cheated on me during our 1st year of marriage.
Thats where I am having trouble getting over. He did not tell me this when I was fighting with the doctors and telling them over and over that they were wrong. When in fact my husband could of gone out and handed me this horrible thing, and possibly our unborn child.
It seems my post wasnt as clear as it should of been.
Let me make it very clear.
#1 I am not holding a grudge at all about him getting attention etc
#2 The reason only a few people knew about my test results, cause because it was HIV ... and I was positive I didnt have it.
When I was pregnant the HIV test came back positive. I told the doctor that it wasnt possible and that I hadnt been with anyone other than my husband. I told him that my husband isnt a cheater and that the test was wrong. About 3 more tests were done and all had the same positive.
At the same time my husband was told he had lymphoma and was having a lot of tests done.
It turns out that he did not have Lymphoma etc.
It turns out that a very small amount of pregnant women will get false positives when a normal HIV test is done. I do not have HIV.
Then a year or so passed by and he told me that he had cheated on me during our 1st year of marriage.
Thats where I am having trouble getting over. He did not tell me this when I was fighting with the doctors and telling them over and over that they were wrong. When in fact my husband could of gone out and handed me this horrible thing, and possibly our unborn child.
Thats where I am having issues.
AGAIN, get your own therapist - someone to help just you. You cannot "fix" your marriage of "get over this" in couples counseling.
Thats where I am having trouble getting over. He did not tell me this when I was fighting with the doctors and telling them over and over that they were wrong. When in fact my husband could of gone out and handed me this horrible thing, and possibly our unborn child.
Thats where I am having issues.
Maybe he had his own test done and it came back negative? He might've thought you cheated on him. Suppose he had told you he cheated. Then you would've blamed him, when the test was a false positive.
I agree with the others, you need a personal therapist to help you get over this. This issue isn't between you & your husband at this point; this isn't an issue for a marriage counseler, say. You need to learn how to let go, and realize that you can't control everything in your life. A therapist can help.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It did change my life, however. I made changes. I decided life was too precious to waste another day. I've had some horrible days in the last 20 years and wasted plenty of others, but overall it's been the best 20 years of my life.
