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I don't want this to turn into a big flame war about people not wanting kids being selfish or some other nonsense. I'm 31 and I just do not want children of my own nor do I have any desire to be a father or father figure, etc. I really do like kids but just do not want them for a variety of reasons which I will not get into. I think one should REALLY REALLY want them before having them/taking on that huge responsibility.
So anyway, I'm not into wasting my time or anyone else's by staying in relationships that don't seem right, etc. I'm also not the crazy type who tries really hard to make things go real fast right from the start if I really like someone. It takes time to get to know someone and get into something serious.
So for those of you like me who don't want kids and don't have any desire to be a parent, when you are dating someone that you really like, at what point to you bring this up to them? Obviously with internet dating you can usually state in your profile that you don't want kids so people that do want them or people who aren't sure if they want them and find that a concern can avoid you. But when you meet someone "in real life" as they say you may start dating before you know where they stand on this matter. Generally if they already have children you are usually going to find out right away of course.
I've really babbled away here but I'd like to hear about how others like me bring this up during the dating process.
Please let's make sure this doesn't turn into a flame war about having kids vs not having kids. People want different things in life.
Also, to those of you who *do* want kids, at what point do you generally bring up this topic with someone you like a lot that you are dating?
And if you know she doesnt have kids I would mention it as early in the relationship as possible. Not sure how you would introduce it but maybe during small talk, at a movie or something. Oh look at those kids playing in the water, they look so cute. So what about you? Do you think about kids? How many would you like when the time comes? Me, I love them but do not want any of my own.
Its out, now you know how many if any she wants and vice versa.
I assume you would not be dating someone with children.
That said, I think you should touch on the subject fairly early on. Another assumption - If you are dating a woman in her late 20s she is right in the child bearing years. So, if you really don't want them you may be doing both of you a favor by being clear on that point. There is not point to wasting anyone's time.
And if you know she doesnt have kids I would mention it as early in the relationship as possible. Not sure how you would introduce it but maybe during small talk, at a movie or something. Oh look at those kids playing in the water, they look so cute. So what about you? Do you think about kids? How many would you like when the time comes? Me, I love them but do not want any of my own.
Its out, now you know how many if any she wants and vice versa.
Yup. And do this on the first date, casually. Don't put her on the spot in a way that might make her hide her true feelings. If she's really into you, she might lie about how important having kids are to her, just to keep you dating her.
If she wants kids, of course break things off right away. Don't let her get emotionally attached to you.
Be upfront about it early on. And, most importantly, make darn well sure you're using foolproof birth control -- be sure not to simply take her word for it!!!!!!!!
The problem is that early on, particularly if they're sufficiently infatuated, many people don't pay too much attention to what is being said in passing and/or think they can change the other person's mind later. It applies to any issue. Obviously, after you've said how you feel about something, it's no longer your responsibility how it's taken, but such things do tend to happen.
Thanks for the replies so far. Generally I try to bring it up pretty early on but it can turn into a heavy discussion and heavy discussions aren't always great early on when you are trying to just hang out and have fun. As I said and someone else also said, I don't want to waste anyone's time. Or my own. But dating is very much of course about living in the now and just enjoying yourself. It's a balancing act.
I did once date someone with kids but I shouldn't have in that case and will not again. No offense to those of you with children of course!
Last edited by liquidsmoke; 07-18-2009 at 03:32 PM..
You could talk about that f ing kid down the street that won't shut the F up, and how happy you are that you don't have kids.
Subtle as a sledgehammer.
That would definitely work!
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