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~sigh...You have a serious lack or perspective. PLEASE start back with a counselor to help you get past the hurt. At this point, you are your own worst enemy, not him.
I know the reasons he gave for leaving. I'm not a mind reader. If it goes beyond that, he hasn't made me aware of it and he tried really hard to make it my fault. I know what I was dealing with before he left. He as bitter, angry and hell bent on taking it out on me and crawling into a bottle while he was at it. That didn't make him pleasant to live with. I kept my distance. Unless he got past beer 5, he'd leave me alone if I didn't disturb him. If he got to beer 5, he'd come looking for a fight.
Everyone who knows us, except his mom, who has never approved of me, was stunned to find that it was him who left me not me who left him. When they heard we were getting divorced they assumed I'd left him. I got comments like "It's about time" from those close enough to witness what went on. Even my step son was shocked that it wasn't me who left. Sorry. It is what it is.
Supposedly, he hit rock bottom after we separated, had an epiphany that he'd never gotten past his ex's cheating on him and decided that he'd been taking it out on me (hence the public letter of appology, which was, in itself rather embarassing.). He did go through counseling where they had him do things like write letters to her (He didn't mail them just wrote them to get the feelings out). That's the extent of what I know. If there's more, he hasn't shared it.
You know what Ivory? You do not HAVE to get over your partner cheating. But you can exist with that hurt. Really you can. Rather than "getting over it", perhaps there will be a time when you see it as a scar. Wounds that are cared for eventually scab over & heal. Most big ones leave a scar that we almost forget is there. We see it, but sort of pay no heed. Maybe on an unusually rainy day, the area around the scar might ache a little. And every now & then we look at the scar & for a brief moment we remember how we got it. We are stuck with that scar for the rest of our life; but we still manage to live our lives.
Do you love him? Enough to stay hurt for a while until the wound starts to scab over? Does he love you? Enough to make sure it doesn't fester instead? Have you expressed this to each other since this whole thing went down? IMO, that's where the bridge needs rebuilding. You say it's not discussed - he needs to be convinced by someone or something that it DOES need discussion. He needs to know that talk of this will validate your feelings of worth. If he's serious about working it out, he has to see where discussion will play a vital role.
I've been down the road of alcoholism in marriage. I can't tell by what I read in your various posts if that's a problem now or not- it was sort of confusing. One post said something like 3-4 drinks per year? I read it again to make sure. All I know is it took a lot more than that to kill my husband. (For many years, I felt like booze was his mistress. But I digress.)
If drinking was a bigger problem in your marriage years ago; do you think it led to an impasse between you two?
sorry Ivory - I just read post # 231 after I posted mine. Believe me - my husband's drinking made me hate him. (too bad he was soooo nice & lovable - no one ever got p.o.'d at him but me).....I hope things find their way of working out. you are in my prayers.
You know what Ivory? You do not HAVE to get over your partner cheating. But you can exist with that hurt. Really you can. Rather than "getting over it", perhaps there will be a time when you see it as a scar. Wounds that are cared for eventually scab over & heal. Most big ones leave a scar that we almost forget is there. We see it, but sort of pay no heed. Maybe on an unusually rainy day, the area around the scar might ache a little. And every now & then we look at the scar & for a brief moment we remember how we got it. We are stuck with that scar for the rest of our life; but we still manage to live our lives.
Do you love him? Enough to stay hurt for a while until the wound starts to scab over? Does he love you? Enough to make sure it doesn't fester instead? Have you expressed this to each other since this whole thing went down? IMO, that's where the bridge needs rebuilding. You say it's not discussed - he needs to be convinced by someone or something that it DOES need discussion. He needs to know that talk of this will validate your feelings of worth. If he's serious about working it out, he has to see where discussion will play a vital role.
I've been down the road of alcoholism in marriage. I can't tell by what I read in your various posts if that's a problem now or not- it was sort of confusing. One post said something like 3-4 drinks per year? I read it again to make sure. All I know is it took a lot more than that to kill my husband. (For many years, I felt like booze was his mistress. But I digress.)
If drinking was a bigger problem in your marriage years ago; do you think it led to an impasse between you two?
Thank you for this post.
To clear up the drinking, he was drinking 4-6 beers a night and the occaisional 12 pack (only when friends were over) before he left. He did not drink at all for the first 10 months he was back. He has himself convinced that he can be a social drinker and have one or two now and again and has managed to keep it to that, which really surprises me.
I know the reasons he gave for leaving. I'm not a mind reader. If it goes beyond that, he hasn't made me aware of it and he tried really hard to make it my fault. I know what I was dealing with before he left. He as bitter, angry and hell bent on taking it out on me and crawling into a bottle while he was at it. That didn't make him pleasant to live with. I kept my distance. Unless he got past beer 5, he'd leave me alone if I didn't disturb him. If he got to beer 5, he'd come looking for a fight.
Everyone who knows us, except his mom, who has never approved of me, was stunned to find that it was him who left me not me who left him. When they heard we were getting divorced they assumed I'd left him. I got comments like "It's about time" from those close enough to witness what went on. Even my step son was shocked that it wasn't me who left. Sorry. It is what it is.
Supposedly, he hit rock bottom after we separated, had an epiphany that he'd never gotten past his ex's cheating on him and decided that he'd been taking it out on me (hence the public letter of appology, which was, in itself rather embarassing.). He did go through counseling where they had him do things like write letters to her (He didn't mail them just wrote them to get the feelings out). That's the extent of what I know. If there's more, he hasn't shared it.
I repeat...You have a serious lack or perspective. PLEASE start back with a counselor to help you get past the hurt. At this point, you are your own worst enemy, not him.
Sorry but he left because he wanted to leave. I didn't tell him to go. He was unhappy, so he left. The "reasons" that came out in counseling were petty and the counselor told him so. I was the one with reason to leave.
I'll try this again, what.....were......his......reasons? As petty and insignificant as they were, they were his reasons. Just as yours have value, so do his. Ignoring them are not going to get you the answers you are seeking. Seeing them as "feelings" that can be just as irrational and flawed as yours MIGHT give you some insight.
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He treated me so badly prior to leaving that he felt compelled to write a letter of appology, hand deliver it to my brothers and sisters, post it at work, mail copies to his family and told me to show it to the church pastors. I only showed it to one of the pastors wives because she was very concerned about us getting back toghther once the truth of what our life was came out after he left (once I'd decided to stay, I saw no need to tell anyone else what I was dealing with. My brother knew. He's just one of those people who knows your character just by talking to you. When I told him my husband left. He said "No great loss there".)
He treated you badly prior to you leaving, and he "cheated" on you but what about the other 26.whatever years with him? If you can't get past this, then you can't get past it. But something caused him to leave in the first place. The REASON is what makes it worth working out or dumping.
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This is not a rational issue. It's an emotional one. It's kind of impossible to have a rational conversation about feelings. Feelings aren't rational. They just are and you have to deal with what they are.
Maybe what he was feeling when he left wasn't rational either. But why is he and everyone else expected to understand when you do it?
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I cannot rationalize away his affair. It happened. The fact is he left, slept with someone else and then thought he could resume our marriage. Only it doesn't seem to have a pause button. The truth is, in my heart, his affair ended our marriage. So I'm living a lie. He's not my husband. My husband left me and took up with someone else. There's no taking that back.
Then you have made your decision.
There is no rationalizing away the "affair". But you are focusing on what he did and the aftermath, not what brought him to the place where he decided to leave to begin with. And you are avoiding it like the plague. You can examine what brought it about and what, if any, role you played in it. Or you can lay all the blame on him, and move on to your next relationship and possibly find yourself in the same position again.
But you have made your decision, and I hope it works out for all of you.
ETA, you already answered why he left, so just pull from this what applies.
Yeah, my kids don't know that I have issues stemming from his affair. It's not their business. I don't know what they think about her if they think anything about her. It's not discussed.
I was gonna bring up Hillary Clinton and Bill, or Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, or even Rihanna who is not married but got beaten by her boyfriend Chris Brown,and everyone says what a shame. Yes ,it is a shame. Anyway I wont bring them up because the reality is, that you dont need any more advice Ivory. You have ALL the advice you could ever want. You're asking "How does someone get over an affair"; Thats really like asking, "how can you put back together a broken heart?" Has anyone really been able to do that? And if so, whats the magic formula, I would like to know to in case of future heartbreak. So far, I dont think anyone has the answer though. So the only thing left to say here is this:What do YOU want?
I was gonna bring up Hillary Clinton and Bill, or Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, or even Rihanna who is not married but got beaten by her boyfriend Chris Brown,and everyone says what a shame. Yes ,it is a shame. Anyway I wont bring them up because the reality is, that you dont need any more advice Ivory. You have ALL the advice you could ever want. You're asking "How does someone get over an affair"; Thats really like asking, "how can you put back together a broken heart?" Has anyone really been able to do that? And if so, whats the magic formula, I would like to know to in case of future heartbreak. So far, I dont think anyone has the answer though. So the only thing left to say here is this:What do YOU want?
Really good points. It happens every day and people get on with their life. I guess that is the bottom line here... to get on with your life.
What has this guy done other than to have sex with another woman after his wife filed for divorce? Oh, and he drinks.
Exactly my point. He does not want her for whatever reason. His loss.
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