Personal responsibility for our relationships

[artsyguy]

It depends on the type of people you are working with.

Originally Posted by Braunwyn

Control isn't a word I would choose and guilt, et al, doesn't come into play. Granted, it's different at work than in our personal dealings in the day to day. The point of my example was to highlight that, for me, it makes more sense to look at what I'm doing, since I know exactly what I'm doing, before I try to figure out the reasoning of 12 other people.

[Braunwyn]

Originally Posted by artsyguy

It depends on the type of people you are working with.

Well, I don't think control comes into play on the job. We're all on the job to do the job (as per our contracts). When a snafu occurs it, again, makes sense to review my role in it first. But, this is probably a poor example for this thread. It came to mind for me the other day because a colleague suggested that I bring it up during our next dept meeting because he was irked. I disagreed.

[DennyCrane]

Originally Posted by artsyguy

How do you know they didn't look inward??

Because the rest of us can see what the real problems are. I know one person who complains about no one ever asking her out. But when and I others point out how emotionally needy she can be and how it turns people off, she'll deny it and say those men are just shallow. I worked with someone who was always complaining about being underpaid. But when I tell her how she's always goofing off, coming in late, and leaving early, she'll say she does it cause she's not paid enough. What she won't do is ask herself whether she deserves a raise. I know yet another person who's trying to lose weight. But she skips workouts, eats poorly, and then blames her bad genes for her inability to lose weight. And another person I met is trying to launch a business. But he never bothered to put together a plan. If you ask him why he's failing, he'll claim it's because banks aren't lending. Notice how all these people have convenient excuses and never admit that they're the reasons for their failures.

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

Originally Posted by Braunwyn

Exactly. A little OT, but something happened this week at work that correlates a bit. Every quarter we have a cleaning house event. A mass invitation is sent and two hours are blocked on the calendar. I'm generally in charge of my group and I figured the invitation was enough, which was sent to two groups. My assumptions were wrong; 3 of 15 of my people showed up lol. Obviously, this invite wasn't enough of a motivator. I should have sent out private emails to my group. I should have assigned tasks (whatever). Point being, I'm not going to charge them during our next dept meeting. Rather than attempt to confront their behavior, I'm going to change mine first and see how that works out for the next clean-house.

Yep. And even when we have the best intentions, people whom we consider friends may not react the way we wished.

John is a good friend. He helped me out a lot in 2007 and in 2008 and I was grateful. We became close friends; I visited his house many times, had lunch & dinner there, helped him when he needed help, etc. We've gone on weekend trips, sports games together. He is overall a good friend, one I hope to keep for a long time.

But I learned to my chagrin that he can be sneaky and shady and is not as honest as I thought he'd be. A few examples.

- We both like to BBQ, so last year some people came over. He provided some meat of course but asked me to get some. My share of the bill came out high, definitely higher than his, but as he and I were the co-hosts, I thought he'd reimburse me for the money I spent. Nope.
- When I vacationed abroad in late 2007 and late 2008, I got him and his children gifts. He never asked for anything, but I got them out of courtesy, out of friendship. Yet in mid-2008 and late 2008, he vacationed abroad (to other countries) with his family. He didn't get me anything, not even a stupid coffee mug or a cheap t-shirt. And yet, a few months ago, when we had a barbecue and I used a new portable grilltop I had brought from my last vacation, he really liked it and said casually that maybe I could get him one when I went there again. I thought to myself, "how can you ask me to get you a grill when you've never brought me a souvenir from your vacations?" (even if he were to pay me)
- One time we went to a club and I treated him to a special deal. Later on, when we were having dinner w/ a 3rd friend, I casually said, "next time you'll treat me, right?" He smirked and said, "the club is closed." I was taken aback - I realized then that John wasn't like most American single men I've known who buy their friends drink one day and get treated the next. He was selfish, and this was his way of saying "my wallet is closed as far as you're concerned."
- I may going abroad to a foreign country for vacation in July. He asked me whether I could postpone that to September as he and his bro-in-law are going then. I said no, because I have relatives there and I want to see them then, and because a September trip would make a 2nd vacation in December impossible (my boss would probably approve two vacations, 1 in July and 1 in December). John showed no concern or empathy about that or that I want to see my relatives soon. He only cared about me changing my plans to fit his so we could all go together - but to HIS benefit.

But the final straw came early this year. You see, one of my kitchen appliances, which still works, had to be taken out of my home. I left it in my garage. John knew that. He has a spare key to my garage (in case I lose mine). One day he called and said, "can I go in and take a look at it?" I said of course, and thought nothing of it. A few hours later, when I'm driving, he calls - from an appliance warehouse. Without my knowledge and permission, he took my appliance there and told them that while functional it had a defect and asked me if he could have it. I was surprised - he wanted that large appliance for free?

(John flips real estate for a living; he owns many apartments and collects rent. He has lots of costs, but he has a robust income and is NOT poor.)

I told him no. He began to "appeal" - I wasn't going to use it, so why not? I then told him, "John, I paid good money for this appliance when I bought my home. I can't just give it to you for free." So he asked me how much money he wanted and I asked for $100 - which he refused to pay. So I said, "then bring it back to my garage, please." He agreed to do so but was obviously upset.

He didn't call me for several days and neither did I call him. Then he called and things were normal, but I knew from that moment onwards that I couldn't trust John as I had once thought I could. I realized that he was very different from me - when you become my close friend, I am loyal and I do nothing to take advantage of you, whether in big or small, open or subtle ways. John apparently thought any subterfuge was fair game if he stood to profit from it.

After that, I think John noticed my generosity had ended. No more invitations to my house for dinner, no buying him a round of drinks, nothing. We had 1 or 2 barbecues after that, at his house, and we split the cost of the materials down the middle.

As I said, I emphasize that despite all this, John is still a good friend; he invited me to a lovely dinner for Mother's Day at his house, at an event I was the only non-family member, and there have been several other such dinners in the past (and to reciprocate, I've invited John and his wife to my home for dinner too). We still talk, hang out, etc. But I learned that as long as I kept being so generous, which I sometimes tend to be, he would continue to think he could take freely - this despite his income being many times greater than mine. Once I changed MY behavior, he somewhat changed his.

[Sprawling_Homeowner]

Originally Posted by DennyCrane

I know yet another person who's trying to lose weight. But she skips workouts, eats poorly, and then blames her bad genes for her inability to lose weight.

the woman I cut off whom I wrote about here is just like this. She has no genetic problems and 15 years ago she was thin, slim, and cute. She is now a blimp who whines about her weight and eats anything with a high content of sugar and saturated fats within reach.

She's also very whiny and ditzy - and I only hope that one day someone tells her that this may be the reason she is without a boyfriend and has never gotten married.

[Veronica43]

I'm a firm believer that you control your attitude and your attitude makes a world of difference.

Obviously we can't control other people's feelings and actions but we can control our own and the statement that you get what you give is fairly accurate in most situations.