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Maybe he is overwhelmed because he doesn't know anything about keeping house and isn't sure what he should be doing when. Could you start small, by assigning him one chore that is all his, and go from there? For instance, start by assigning him to take out the trash every day. That will be his one chore for a month or so. Praise him when he does it well. Make sure he knows this is his one responsibility. Then if he does well with that, add another, and then more until he's doing his fair share. Sometimes it's easy to get overwhelmed by housework, especially if he has no idea what he's doing.
This may not be popular but you did say he was a good father, can you hang in for your son?
Sometimes it is worth it. Good luck
You're kidding right? The days of the woman wasting her life miserable because she has a child with a man should be long over. I can't think of any way it would be valueable to have this man teaching a young child to be the same to a woman who obviously is putting in way more than her 50% into this relationship.
Look on the bright side at least his hobby is something constructive. Communication is the key tell him exactly what you have told us, In the nicest way possible.
i remember at one point in our marriage---with three babies under the age of 3, i was exhausted, up at 6 am not in bed until 11 pm non stop with babies and laundry and household, expected also to cook and clean and care for a huge house, he refused to pay for even once a month house cleaner to come in, even though he made over $200,000 a year with assets over $1.5 million, he said that was "my job" since I didn't have a job outside the home. He would work his 8 hour a day job, then come home and have a whole evening free to relax.
I pointed this out to him that I did not get a break but was working in the home 17 hours a day, and I asked him to help by simply spending 30 minutes once a day when he got home in the evening by helping with housework, so I could get that 30 minutes to count on for me as a break. To me it seemed very reasonable. He hit the roof and got all huffy and said he "works all day and by god when he gets home he's entitled to relax" and there is "no way" he is going to agree to 30 minutes a day of housework and I am out of my mind.
I also asked him to go to counseling. He refused, said if I have complaints that those are my problem and not his and I need to work them out myself and not bother him.
Well, cut to the chase, I ended up leaving the marriage. He ended up with his own household to maintain, doing all his own cooking, housecleaning, laundry, and childcare for the days he had our 3 sons.
He would have gotten off a whole lot easier if he had agreed to the 30 minutes a day. Instead he got stuck with the upkeep of his own whole house for many years.
Eventually he remarried, and he also made the boys be his housecleaner. But at least for a time he got to see and feel and experience the real work it is to cook meals, clean house, tend to small children.
if someone is not willing to participate in fixing the problem, for instance by participating in counseling, and learning healthy communication skills, then it is a losing battle.
in general if someone refuses to participate in marriage counseling, it spells the beginning of the end
His hobby is only somewhat constructive because he spends a great deal of time practicing playing and downloading music on evenings during the week. On most weekends in the spring and summer he is not available to do anything with us because he has move music equipment and spend all night deejaying. For instance, these past two weekends he was hardly home. He played for parties on Friday and Saturday and was too tired to interact with our son on Sunday. When my family members have functions, I am usually embarrassed because I have to go without my husband and I always have to explain away why he's not there.
His hobby is only somewhat constructive because he spends a great deal of time practicing playing and downloading music on evenings during the week. On most weekends in the spring and summer he is not available to do anything with us because he has move music equipment and spend all night deejaying. For instance, these past two weekends he was hardly home. He played for parties on Friday and Saturday and was too tired to interact with our son on Sunday. When my family members have functions, I am usually embarrassed because I have to go without my husband and I always have to explain away why he's not there.
Well I havn't thread through the entire thread. But from what I know about your situation....maybe you need to ask him to cut back the DJing just a little, so he has more time for his family.
After I was done with our son, I went to him and told him that he can't expect me to take food out for him all the time. That's all I said. He blew up at me and started yelling and screaming about how his mother and father were when he was growing up.
I can't stand these people who use bad parents as an excuse for their behavior. I've seen women do this too, saying they're the way they are because of how they were raised. Sorry, but it's not genetic. You can change if you really want to.
i remember at one point in our marriage---with three babies under the age of 3, i was exhausted, up at 6 am not in bed until 11 pm non stop with babies and laundry and household, expected also to cook and clean and care for a huge house, he refused to pay for even once a month house cleaner to come in, even though he made over $200,000 a year with assets over $1.5 million, he said that was "my job" since I didn't have a job outside the home. He would work his 8 hour a day job, then come home and have a whole evening free to relax.
I pointed this out to him that I did not get a break but was working in the home 17 hours a day, and I asked him to help by simply spending 30 minutes once a day when he got home in the evening by helping with housework, so I could get that 30 minutes to count on for me as a break. To me it seemed very reasonable. He hit the roof and got all huffy and said he "works all day and by god when he gets home he's entitled to relax" and there is "no way" he is going to agree to 30 minutes a day of housework and I am out of my mind.
I also asked him to go to counseling. He refused, said if I have complaints that those are my problem and not his and I need to work them out myself and not bother him.
Well, cut to the chase, I ended up leaving the marriage. He ended up with his own household to maintain, doing all his own cooking, housecleaning, laundry, and childcare for the days he had our 3 sons.
He would have gotten off a whole lot easier if he had agreed to the 30 minutes a day. Instead he got stuck with the upkeep of his own whole house for many years.
Eventually he remarried, and he also made the boys be his housecleaner. But at least for a time he got to see and feel and experience the real work it is to cook meals, clean house, tend to small children.
And hopefully the relationship between you and the three boys is cool? Kudos to you!
if someone is not willing to participate in fixing the problem, for instance by participating in counseling, and learning healthy communication skills, then it is a losing battle.
in general if someone refuses to participate in marriage counseling, it spells the beginning of the end
I agree with Tzaphkiel. Communication is essential. And he doesn't want to talk, exploding with every single little thing... hm, it's complicated.
Try to talk again, give it some time, but don't waste your life if nothing is solved.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
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