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Whenevr I try to talk, I approach him with a calm tone but it always escalates into a loud argument. He also has a temper. He has never hit me but has threatened to throw things at me. How can we talk if he behaves like a teenager and talks to me with an attitude. Those who know me know that I am a soft spoken person. We've been married for 7 years and perhaps he's just tired of me. All throughout our marriage I have asked him to help out with no change.
And hopefully the relationship between you and the three boys is cool? Kudos to you!
the three kids (now grown) benefitted TREMENDOUSLY from the divorce.
It has been far better for them growing up to have access to each of their parents in separate households where they can live in peace and enjoy time and acitivities with their dad, with their mom, without the fighting and the upset.
For instance, start by assigning him to take out the trash every day. That will be his one chore for a month or so. Praise him when he does it well. Make sure he knows this is his one responsibility. Then if he does well with that, add another, and then more until he's doing his fair share. Sometimes it's easy to get overwhelmed by housework, especially if he has no idea what he's doing.
Lol! This is great advice if you are trying to get your child to do chores, or if you are training a dog...positive reinforcement is a beautiful thing, but this is a grown man we are talking about! A man who acts like a child, albeit, but a man nonetheless who should be partaking in the general responsibilities of maintaining the home. I am guessing he also fails to fix things when they break around the house, though this is considered a manly duty by traditional standards...this dude just sounds immature, lazy, and stubborn. A female friend of mine actually resorted to buying a dry-erase board and making a chart of all the household duties with spots to put checkmarks in once those chores were done...her man was flabbergasted at how many things were on that list and immediately apologized for not helping out more, (they both work full-time)...he jumped right in and started helping out. In the OPs case, she has expressed her exhaustion and her annoyance at the fact that he refuses to help out, but he seems not to care...he needs to be shown that people will not tolerate him acting like a jerk, that he needs to grow up, and that in an adult relationship, both parties need to communicate openly and be willing to compromise sometimes.
My husband and I having been speaking to each other for almost 3 months now. In addition, he hasn't been sleeping in our bed for 2 months. We only speak when necessary or if it has something to do with our son. I approached him calmly 2 months ago about his distance and we ended up in a big argument. One of the things he brought up that bothered him was the fact one evening two years ago he came home and asked me to take out dinner for him. The food is cooked and on the stove mind you. At the time he came home, I had just finished cooking, helping our son with his homework and then was giving our son a bath. I was resentful and didn't complain but I took the food out for him anyway. Please note that I work full time. After I was done with our son, I went to him and told him that he can't expect me to take food out for him all the time. That's all I said. He blew up at me and started yelling and screaming about how his mother and father were when he was growing up.
He doesn't do anything around the house - no cleaning and cooking. Sometimes he may wash a load of clothes if there are items he want to wear. In order for the garbage to go outside, if I don't bag it up or put it by the door, he doesn't take it out. He is a loving father and can be very nice. He would give the shirt off his back for his friends. He also neglects the house and puts more time and energy into deejaying than paying attention to repairs around the house. I have suggested counseling but he refuses. Can this be resolved?
It seems like he was raised a certain way where the woman does all the necessary housework and wifely duties so it's going to be a challenge for him now that things are not the same as it was when he was a child.
My advice to you would be sit down have a serious conversation with him since he doesn't want to go to counseling and decide from there his reaction to the whole thing.
He doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't want to be told he is doing something wrong you see he doesn't want to hear it from an outside source, but if he truly loves you and wants you to be part of his life he will compromise somewhat for you and hopefully respect your feelings.
You're kidding right? The days of the woman wasting her life miserable because she has a child with a man should be long over. I can't think of any way it would be valueable to have this man teaching a young child to be the same to a woman who obviously is putting in way more than her 50% into this relationship.
No, I was asking an honest question to the OP.
No marriage is 50/50 all the time ever.
Your marriage is about more than yourself and the spouse once a child is produced. I fail to see this as a reason for divorce, be honest.
sounds like you are going to dump him. he has issues and he is not interested in fixing them.
i commend you for flexing so much, most do not. he is using anger to control you.
in the dumping process the worst thing you can do is try to work it out with him
i hate to say it but turn the lawyer loose on him.
he has been warned.
No, I was asking an honest question to the OP.
No marriage is 50/50 all the time ever.
Your marriage is about more than yourself and the spouse once a child is produced. I fail to see this as a reason for divorce, be honest.
So you believe it is better for the child to grow up being shown that men should treat their women like slaves and bum around doing whatever they please whenever they please? Great parenting technique...if you want to raise your kid to be a disrespectful, lazy, arrogant low-life!
"I purposely didn't bag it [the trash] up as I normally do to see if he would take it out." => you fail.
This is such an olldddd woman trick. Withhold doing things "to see" if they will get done. It's also called "keeping score". If you are doing this then it either means that you have a problem, or he has a problem. From his side, he saw that you "left it on purpose." So maybe he purposely didn't put it out, because you purposely left it, and why should he take it out if you are pulling such a low trick like purposely leaving it? etc, etc, etc. How old are you guys; kindergarten age or older? That sounds harsh though look at it as if you guys are both acting like misbehaving children. That's no place for a relationship, to be stuck on a kindergarten playground with one girl kicking one boy and both of them crying "you kicked me first! no you did! no you did! stop kicking me! you stop first!". etc, etc, etc.
Still interested in the op responding, nice if you could hold off on the name calling.
Question is can you hang in there for the child.
You are right, I should not call him names because I have never met him, have only heard one side of the story, and he is not here to defend himself......sorry. I just can not understand the concept of staying in an emotionally abusive/unhealthy situation with someone who is unwilling to meet halfway in trying to make it better...I strongly feel it is sending a bad message to the child. I know a lot of people who lived in dysfunctional families and many of them have expressed that they wish their parents would have separated instead of fighting all the time and making life at home so tense & miserable to grow up in...hostile home environments affect children adversely and they often have trouble with their own relationships later in life.
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This is great advice if you are trying to get your child to do chores, or if you are training a dog...positive reinforcement is a beautiful thing, but this is a grown man we are talking about! A man who acts like a child, albeit, but a man nonetheless who should be partaking in the general responsibilities of maintaining the home. I am guessing he also fails to fix things when they break around the house, though this is considered a manly duty by traditional standards...this dude just sounds immature, lazy, and stubborn. A female friend of mine actually resorted to buying a dry-erase board and making a chart of all the household duties with spots to put checkmarks in once those chores were done...her man was flabbergasted at how many things were on that list and immediately apologized for not helping out more, (they both work full-time)...he jumped right in and started helping out
. In the OPs case, she has expressed her exhaustion and her annoyance at the fact that he refuses to help out, but he seems not to care...he needs to be shown that people will not tolerate him acting like a jerk, that he needs to grow up, and that in an adult relationship, both parties need to communicate openly and be willing to compromise sometimes.
Great parenting technique...if you want to raise your kid to be a disrespectful, lazy, arrogant low-life!
...sorry. I just can not understand the concept of staying in an emotionally abusive/unhealthy situation with someone who is unwilling to meet halfway in trying to make it better...I strongly feel it is sending a bad message to the child. I know a lot of people who lived in dysfunctional families and many of them have expressed that they wish their parents would have separated instead of fighting all the time and making life at home so tense & miserable to grow up in...hostile home environments affect children adversely and they often have trouble with their own relationships later in life.
