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I know you disagree, but have you ever lost everything? I'm not suggesting that she should babysit him, but that as a human being, she cares. Is that really too much to ask these days?
Far as I can tell, he isn't a complete ******* and probably deserves a little compassion going thru a bad, bad time in a very ****ed economy.
If this is how you think, what if you lost everything? Would you be "just fine" if everyone left you in the dust? Being depressed and having someone tell you they care, may mean all the difference in recovering.
Your statement reminds me of a quip by George Carlin:
"Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the ****in' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are ****ed!"
With all due respect, you don't know me and you don't know anything about me. Yes, as a matter of fact, I had lost everything in the past and didn't have a support system. I got through it on my own - not even any counseling. You have NO IDEA what I've been through, so please do us all a favor and save your righteous judgment for someone who cares to listen. Also, I might add, you have NO IDEA of what I am going through now, but rest assured, I'll pull myself through it without help.
She doesn't have to be rude or mean to the guy, but she is not his babysitter or his therapist.
[/quote]She doesn't have to be rude or mean to the guy, but she is not his babysitter or his therapist.[/quote]
I have to agree. It is a heavy burden to live with someone you have to continually build up emotionally. That's probably one of the reasons this couple is now divorcing. Also, while it's great that he wants to be there for his children, it's a very BAD idea that he is staying with them when he comes to visit. It confuses everyone, including the children.
It's definitely a difficult situation, because of course you don't want to be a person with no compassion, but at the same time, he is an adult, you are in the middle of a divorce, and you have enough on your hands with your children and creating a life for yourselves on your own, without having the responsibility of making sure that your soon-to-be ex is okay.
She doesn't have to be rude or mean to the guy, but she is not his babysitter or his therapist.[/quote]
I have to agree. It is a heavy burden to live with someone you have to continually build up emotionally. That's probably one of the reasons this couple is now divorcing. Also, while it's great that he wants to be there for his children, it's a very BAD idea that he is staying with them when he comes to visit. It confuses everyone, including the children.
It's definitely a difficult situation, because of course you don't want to be a person with no compassion, but at the same time, he is an adult, you are in the middle of a divorce, and you have enough on your hands with your children and creating a life for yourselves on your own, without having the responsibility of making sure that your soon-to-be ex is okay.[/quote]
Thank you, and I agree with you too. The key word here is *divorce*. They are in the process of a divorce, so she is NOT required to be there for him, nor him for her. They are trying to DISTANCE themselves from each other. I am all for keeping it amicable. It doesn't have to get ugly or turn nasty, but they are now each in control of their own destinies and as such, they are each responsible for their own mental and emotional well-being. I too believe it isn't the best idea for the guy to be staying in the home. It gives him false hope that they might or can get back together and it gives the kids false hope about mom and dad getting back together, because of course, most kids want to see their parents together. She can have compassion and say "Look, I understand what you're going through because I'm going through it too." But, she is in NO WAY obligated to be his therapist or his shoulder to cry on.
Well, I wouldn't get too involved emotionally with his problem for lots of reasons. There is a reason you are not with him anymore, therefore YOUR obligation ceased. Also, you are trying to nurture a new relationship. It will get messy and disfuncational to mix the two situations. When you talk to your almost ex, give him suggestions to get help, but always make the kids the reason (which really is the reason).
Saying stuff like;' Your kids need you to get mentally healthy now. They are at a very crucial mental growing state', or, 'They need their father in their lives healthy in everyway', or ' When you get better and find a SO, life will start looking up and you can have a great future. It wont always hurt this bad'
But leave you or you two as a couple out of the conversations. I would show as much concern as you would any other human but I would not get too involved. This chapter of your lives' is over. It is probably time for you and him to turn the page. He might suffer emotionally for a while but with some help and time hopefully he can pick himself up.
I think you are a sweet lady. If you didn't care you wouldn't have posted the question.
First, it is not your responsibility to "cheer him up". He may very well be trying to lay a guilt trip on you to get you to reconcile. Stick to your guns.
He can go to a public health clinic. There are free clinics in every major city.
I like this one. "not your responsibility" it's not.
some people use sympathy and guilt to manipulate.
It's also up to him to decide if he needs help.
You might suggest that maybe he does.
Maybe he should call his mommy.
How do you treat him in front of the kids? Being mean to him in front of the kids would be bad. But being civilized is the best you can do for him. However, you are not responsible for his emotions now or ever. Even if you were married to him and in love, you can't put someone else's depression on your shoulders. Think about the children and treat him like you would an acquaintance, but please don't treat him badly in front of the kids.
My husband and I have been separated for about 3 1/2 months, but we have two kids under the age of 3 together. He's been staying on weekends the past few weeks to see them because he works out of town. Today he tells me he's depressed and he feels like the only thing he has left are the kids. So here's my question. Is it really my responsiblity now that I have moved out and am trying to move on, to make a special effort to "cheer him up"?
Obviously it's in the best interests of the kids for him to be mentally well, but after everything he put me through, I kinda feel like he deserves what he gets. I'm not saying I want him to commit suicide or anything, but should I have to spend time playing happy family (without the sex ofcourse) just to make his life a little brighter. All I want is to get on with my life and raise the kids with a father that visits and wants to be a part of their life. I don't want him to get any idea that we could reconsile.
Why is your ex staying with you on weekends??? Don't tell me it is for the kids because they would be just as happy if this guy were to get a motel room and come and pick them up to spend the day. No, it is not your responsibility to keep this guy happy and make sure he is mentally well and you can't move on with your life if he is underfoot on weekends. So, the first thing you do is not let him stay in your home. If you are concerned about letting the kids go with him being that they are so small, then he visits at your house and leaves when night time comes. You don't have to stay there while he visits..go out.
Moving on means cutting ties with your ex. You have decided to live on your own and start fresh and as long as he is there screwing up your weekends you can't have a new life. You didn't say what he did or why you are divorcing him which is fine but you do sound like you do NOT want him undefoot so change that and do it soon. Your children are small enough to adjust to this new lifestyle so make that change for them now as well.
Good Luck....divorced and single parent is not easy!! Been there myself.
My husband and I have been separated for about 3 1/2 months, but we have two kids under the age of 3 together. He's been staying on weekends the past few weeks to see them because he works out of town. Today he tells me he's depressed and he feels like the only thing he has left are the kids.
So here's my question. Is it really my responsiblity now that I have moved out and am trying to move on, to make a special effort to "cheer him up"?
Obviously it's in the best interests of the kids for him to be mentally well, but after everything he put me through, I kinda feel like he deserves what he gets. I'm not saying I want him to commit suicide or anything, but should I have to spend time playing happy family (without the sex ofcourse) just to make his life a little brighter.
All I want is to get on with my life and raise the kids with a father that visits and wants to be a part of their life. I don't want him to get any idea that we could reconsile.
If you were in an enabler relationship with him before, he may be trying to get that back. If he has certain addiction problems, having an enabler around makes things much easier and if you were it before, he may be trying to manipulate you back into that position.
If he has problems then you need to make it clear to him that you're not there to solve his problems.
I know you disagree, but have you ever lost everything? I'm not suggesting that she should babysit him, but that as a human being, she cares. Is that really too much to ask these days?
Far as I can tell, he isn't a complete ******* and probably deserves a little compassion going thru a bad, bad time in a very ****ed economy.
If this is how you think, what if you lost everything? Would you be "just fine" if everyone left you in the dust? Being depressed and having someone tell you they care, may mean all the difference in recovering.
Your statement reminds me of a quip by George Carlin:
"Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the ****in' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are ****ed!"
She can supprot him from a distance. My ex went to pieces after we went our separate ways, and I gave him the old, "atta boy" from a distance. This was contingent on his seeing a therapist and I even met with his therapist so he could ge tan understanding of things from my POV.
They are divorcing for a reason. Women, esp those with children, usually try very hard to keep the relationship afloat. We will even tell a guy several times what he needs to do to not lose us. If he doesn't listen, that's his problem and he should have to live with the consequences like everyone else who makes decisions. A lot of guys don't take women seriously until she leaves, then he wants to get his act together.
You married him. Before you had kids you may have been able to walk away from him and never think about him again. But you married, him, stayed with him, had his kids and guess what - you are connected to him for life. So before you "move on with your life" think about that a bit.
I'm pretty tired of watching people get married, have kids, divorce, get married again, have kids again, get divorced again and then sometimes do it a third time. Everytime they get married they have to have another kid, problem is they get married like they change their shoes.
I'm sorry you made a bad choice. But now if your any kind of responsible person, ort geez just a caring one, you can't just kick him to the curb. He's the father of your children and sometimes its not all easy.
Make better choices in the future.
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