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I think my shyness was for several reasons. My family moved around every year until I was in the 5th grade. I was the only Chinese person in my class. My mom was a very strong dominate personality and very strict.
I know that there are many different types of loners out there, but I want to find similar characteristics. I would say that I'm the "loner by choice" type, but even that may be too vague.
There is a bias against introverts who prefer to be alone. The common arguments are: We are social animals, you are anti-social, there is something mental wrong with you for wanting to be alone. Loner does NOT equal psycho.
I HIGHLY second that you read The Introvert Advantage. You will see that what you are feeling to some degree is similar to many if not all introverts. Now some introverts will engage in small talk (at a minimum), like to meet up with close friends, etc. But introverts get their enjoyment from their inner world: their thoughts and emotions. It's not uncommon to find an introvert reading alone in the bookstore.
Most of our interactions in the workplace, the bar scene, school, etc. are based on the extrovert's terms. Introverts may not small talk and tend to take longer to consider what we say before we say it...thus we are deemed: unapproachable, stuck up, etc. Because we generally tend to be passive, we can be passed up for promotions even though we may take on as much as or more work than our extroverted peers.
Our friends don't understand that we may prefer a text to a phone call. Instead they take it personally. We may be lost in thought and our extoverted partner thinks we are angry. (People tend to project their insecurities on us because we express ourselves less verbally.)
There is a bias against introverts who prefer to be alone. The common arguments are: We are social animals, you are anti-social, there is something mental wrong with you for wanting to be alone. Loner does NOT equal psycho.
I HIGHLY second that you read The Introvert Advantage. You will see that what you are feeling to some degree is similar to many if not all introverts. Now some introverts will engage in small talk (at a minimum), like to meet up with close friends, etc. But introverts get their enjoyment from their inner world: their thoughts and emotions. It's not uncommon to find an introvert reading alone in the bookstore.
A good deal of the time they're hoping for interaction to meet someone however. Loner doesn't equal anything other than how the individual has taken that aspect. That doesn't change the fact that like exercise, it usually gives better overall emotional health to keep that aspect in shape, so to speak.
I'm no extrovert, but saying it doesn't have a price-tag behind it, especially in the long run is just delusional. It's like anything else, the less it's used the tougher it is generally to use when you want to.
A good deal of the time they're hoping for interaction to meet someone however. Loner doesn't equal anything other than how the individual has taken that aspect. That doesn't change the fact that like exercise, it usually gives better overall emotional health to keep that aspect in shape, so to speak.
I'm no extrovert, but saying it doesn't have a price-tag behind it, especially in the long run is just delusional. It's like anything else, the less it's used the tougher it is generally to use when you want to.
How can you know what other people are hoping for?
If that is what YOU hope for then you can speak for yourself and not for others. PS, if you are going to try to meet people, the bookstore is not the most optimal of places! lol
Some people don't need that. They really don't. (I am not counting myself in that. I know that I need it) But I know other people who genuinely don't. Both are valid and one is not better than the other.
I've experienced both sides of the coin. I used to live in a big 'party' house with lots of people, HUGE parties and lots of craziness. 3 years of that left me yearning for some peace and quiet, so me and my boyfriend moved into a very quiet little area bordering a nature preserve. We don't go out with friends often and prefer to be at home with our dogs focusing on what WE want to do.
I much prefer the loner life over the overtly social one, to be honest.
How can you know what other people are hoping for?
If that is what YOU hope for then you can speak for yourself and not for others. PS, if you are going to try to meet people, the bookstore is not the most optimal of places! lol
Some people don't need that. They really don't. (I am not counting myself in that. I know that I need it) But I know other people who genuinely don't. Both are valid and one is not better than the other.
If you read that, I said "A GOOD DEAL OF THE TIME". I don't need to speak for the others, if you'd like to speak for me as to whom I speak for, it's you're right to speak it. Just say it loud, I want to frighten Mr.Cat as well as confuse anyone who reads that last sentence.
I know a good deal of friends that do this. Of course it's selective, as they don't wish just anybody to come up and talk to them. But they're usually hoping for more social aspects then they're getting which is why they stick around.
Last edited by Waynec613; 06-18-2009 at 01:52 PM..
I would say I am naturally a lot like the OP. When I see someone I know on the street, often my instinct is to turn down a side street so they don't see me and we don't have to talk. I often take long (4+ hour) bike rides by myself just to get away from everyone. I graduated from college in 2008 and since then I haven't called or emailed a single person from school. It isn't because I don't like the friends I had, I just don't think about it. I am happier in my own head. I don't want to change that part of myself, but I do think it is good to try to be a little more outgoing. For me social interaction is all an act. I think it is healthy to be around other people, so I try to 'act social' as much as I can. Instead of living alone I am moving in with two other guys (we will see how that goes...they are both very outgoing). I have a girlfriend who is very extroverted (we are learning a lot from each other). I also found exercise is amazing. I found if I get an hour of exercise a day (for me it is always riding a bike) I can tolerate being in groups a few times a week....
I hate that people don't think loners are normal though. A few weeks ago I had nothing to do on the weekend so I loaded camping gear on my bike and rode for 7 hours, camped overnight, then rode 7 hours back. The few people who found out I did that looked at me like I needed pity, or that something was just wrong with me because I didn't ask anyone to come with me. They just didn't get why I would want to do something like that alone...
Be careful that you don't totally turn yourself inside out and end up being your own best friend. Like it or not, people need each other and whether you have 15 good friend or two good friends, someone needs to know you exist and you need to know they exist. For you to be this anti-social and that is exactly what you are at this point, is not good. It will effect your job, your health, your way of life in general. There are way too many instances in life where there is a need to be with and communicate with other people.
If you need to call 911 are you going to not do it because you don't want to deal with anyone on the phone or anyone at your house?
If you are out running and see someone passed out on the ground are you going to run by them because you can't deal with people?
When you graduate from college..oh..look out big line of other graduates near you...how you going to deal with that?
What about work..that is if you can get a job over the email or phone then work it over the email or phone so you don't have to deal with people..I don't think your loner status is going to work here either.
Look, be whatever you want to be..thats what living in this country is all about. Just understand that there will never in this lifetime be a time when people don't need each other so stop being afraid to extrend yourself and enjoy the benefits of being a living, breathing part of this life.
Be successful in life because you DO care what happens to others and you DO want to be somebody who everyone remembers.
My coworkers and I work alone, because we're more productive that way. There is no reason to have two people working off the same pallet. And we work overnights, when we don't have customers to deal with. When I was in a relationship, she handles the bills, the grocery shopping, any interaction I might have to have with the outside world, she takes care of. Not me--can't be bothered.
911? A joke. I would never depend on another person to protect my life--I would take care of that myself.
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